little bit's of star shine turn into clusters of attitudinal readjustment...
if you let them. i remembered, just for a few moments yesterday that back in the 90's i had this fascination with the concept of (higher) consciousness, and the advancing of it's powers through meditation techniques that would bring accumulations of white-light astral power into your actual physical body. light bodies was what a lot of new agers were talking about back then. pure light. you wanted to become it. it was not only holy, it was what -=god=- is.
well, i don't think that way, or live those ways anymore. i got blasted with so much of the power of white light consciousness through my practices of siddha yoga (repeating incessantly the names of god) and all the rigmarole confused with the lifestyle of an ashram community in the bowels of Oakland (i don't know how ANYONE survived that maelstrom of psychic and physical intensity) that i'm not sure how i am still alive. or how any of those people (us) are still alive. or what the others did after the fires of focus of the guru died down.
i'm actually in pretty good shape, i think. sure, i have some health issues that i'm still trying to get better at controlling. and sure, i came pretty close to going insane... maybe i WAS insane. the five years that i lived as a recluse were the closest i've ever been to actually having lost my mind, but i held on. there was something, probably my son - truth be told, that made me need to stay here. and i did. i went as far away into the darkness of societal ruin that i've ever been before, and i've climbed out. i don't think that anything i've been before what i am now ever represented the reality of who i am like i let myself be today. (huh?) i've been healthier. i've been happier. sure... but alignment with the purpose of my soul. what i do now as an artist and writer... though i flutter as a professional, i have a vision and have established my mark.
what i hoped to say out loud here, for myself to hear, is something that will help validate my understanding of how i can start to mold the experiences i want in my life with more power and decision. so long i've been the leaf floating down the river... now i want to grow some legs (and arms and balls) so that i can stand in one place and not be controlled by the whirlwind. not so much controlled by it at least... i rather love the whirlwind... i can let the whirlwind breath my spirit. i just need some solid ground to stand on.
so i want to go to europe. Ireland is a good place to start. printed off the application to obtain a passport last night. wasn't planning on doing that. thought about doing it a year ago, but didn't. thing is, without a passport you can't leave the country. ok, here is the big thing that happened when i printed out that form last night. i stepped out of my old way of thinking that "how can i go to Ireland when i have no money?" and opened my mind and heart to believe that "so what if i don't have the money right now, i can get money." and seriously, when money comes to me, with no passport, no trip to Ireland.
the other thing i remembered yesterday was an afternoon spent in the Paramount Theater in downtown Oakland, probably in 1994. Gurumayi, my guru was in town for a couple of weeks and her swami's gave afternoon talks. I went to one of these. there was a young woman in the crowd... we were given a period of time after the talk for questions and answers and this woman said something that stuck in my mind. she talked about the ability she had to manifest things that she desired. whether it was an actual quality of power that she had to magically attract the things/events she desired into her life by "wishing", or what, i did not know. but this was a big deal back in the 90's, this belief that you can conjure what you need/want out of the blue. and she claimed that she was pretty successful at it. she could think of something that she needed and in a day or two it would come to her... she had some other personal issue in her life that was confusing her that she went on to talk about, and i don't remember what that was... but i know this is true. this power. this ability. it takes clear intention. it takes freedom of a desire to own or be. and it takes freedom from stagnant beliefs that weigh us down and clog our psychic veins from channeling that power of consciousness... you can't ask for things when you feel like you don't have things. well, you can, but you can't expect them to really come to you. lack is a weakness, a leak in your consciousness... okay, it's all starting to come back to me...
-=om namah shivaya=-
well, i don't think that way, or live those ways anymore. i got blasted with so much of the power of white light consciousness through my practices of siddha yoga (repeating incessantly the names of god) and all the rigmarole confused with the lifestyle of an ashram community in the bowels of Oakland (i don't know how ANYONE survived that maelstrom of psychic and physical intensity) that i'm not sure how i am still alive. or how any of those people (us) are still alive. or what the others did after the fires of focus of the guru died down.
i'm actually in pretty good shape, i think. sure, i have some health issues that i'm still trying to get better at controlling. and sure, i came pretty close to going insane... maybe i WAS insane. the five years that i lived as a recluse were the closest i've ever been to actually having lost my mind, but i held on. there was something, probably my son - truth be told, that made me need to stay here. and i did. i went as far away into the darkness of societal ruin that i've ever been before, and i've climbed out. i don't think that anything i've been before what i am now ever represented the reality of who i am like i let myself be today. (huh?) i've been healthier. i've been happier. sure... but alignment with the purpose of my soul. what i do now as an artist and writer... though i flutter as a professional, i have a vision and have established my mark.
what i hoped to say out loud here, for myself to hear, is something that will help validate my understanding of how i can start to mold the experiences i want in my life with more power and decision. so long i've been the leaf floating down the river... now i want to grow some legs (and arms and balls) so that i can stand in one place and not be controlled by the whirlwind. not so much controlled by it at least... i rather love the whirlwind... i can let the whirlwind breath my spirit. i just need some solid ground to stand on.
so i want to go to europe. Ireland is a good place to start. printed off the application to obtain a passport last night. wasn't planning on doing that. thought about doing it a year ago, but didn't. thing is, without a passport you can't leave the country. ok, here is the big thing that happened when i printed out that form last night. i stepped out of my old way of thinking that "how can i go to Ireland when i have no money?" and opened my mind and heart to believe that "so what if i don't have the money right now, i can get money." and seriously, when money comes to me, with no passport, no trip to Ireland.
the other thing i remembered yesterday was an afternoon spent in the Paramount Theater in downtown Oakland, probably in 1994. Gurumayi, my guru was in town for a couple of weeks and her swami's gave afternoon talks. I went to one of these. there was a young woman in the crowd... we were given a period of time after the talk for questions and answers and this woman said something that stuck in my mind. she talked about the ability she had to manifest things that she desired. whether it was an actual quality of power that she had to magically attract the things/events she desired into her life by "wishing", or what, i did not know. but this was a big deal back in the 90's, this belief that you can conjure what you need/want out of the blue. and she claimed that she was pretty successful at it. she could think of something that she needed and in a day or two it would come to her... she had some other personal issue in her life that was confusing her that she went on to talk about, and i don't remember what that was... but i know this is true. this power. this ability. it takes clear intention. it takes freedom of a desire to own or be. and it takes freedom from stagnant beliefs that weigh us down and clog our psychic veins from channeling that power of consciousness... you can't ask for things when you feel like you don't have things. well, you can, but you can't expect them to really come to you. lack is a weakness, a leak in your consciousness... okay, it's all starting to come back to me...
-=om namah shivaya=-
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