a thing about today. well, maybe another or 2…

1. Just going to ramble a little bit tonight. Just said goodbye to Billy. He goes back to Ireland in the morning. He said this was a difficult visit for him because he was under so much demand from his old friends to spend time with them. I only got to see him 4 times in the 10 days he was here. Billy is a very powerful spiritual warrior. He draws no line in the sand when it comes to loyalty to people he cares about. He spent time with several old friends here that he used to get high with to be of support to them. Three friends in particular he mentioned who still have drug problems and suffer from depression. It breaks his heart I think to see them but he is such an encouragement to them to see he still cares about them.

And he spent a lot of time with his old church people in Oakland; Arthur in particular who is the pastor of this church he used to attend over there. And Virgil, his longest term friend from his youth. People just love Billy. To see him, listen to him, be around him. No wonder he is so valued by his employer (The Salvation Army) back in Dublin. Billy works in a rescue shelter with homeless men that are also drug addicts. He finishes his college courses (bachelors degree) this year that will make him a specialist in addiction studies. He mentioned that part of his studies this year will be doing an internship at a Salvation Army facility in London for two weeks. He sounded very excited about that opportunity.

I know Billy feels sad and concerned when he looks at me and what has become of my life. My current health condition with the swelling and high blood pressure did not put him at ease. In some ways it feels wrong that he chooses to live so far away from his birth parents but I believe he has followed his heart. It is over four years that he has lived in Ireland; he lasted much longer there than I was ever able to. 2 years straight was the longest I could endure the hardships there, but that was back in the 80’s when life was extremely difficult there. 30% unemployment, the troubles in the north, and a lack of all the new technology that is rampant in Dublin now. Hell, when I was there you were lucky to find a public telephone on the street that had not been vandalized, let alone know someone that had a telephone installed in their own home.

Ok, for now, the Irish rant is over. Would I go live there again? Not with the health issues I have now. No.

2. Mental health review; Been feeling a bit on the edge of depression because of this condition with the swelling in my feet. I’ll phone my doctor again tomorrow. I was hopeful at the beginning of week because once I started this new diuretic I lost two pounds within one day. But now the weight has stopped coming off and the swelling only diminishes overnight when I am sleeping. By noontime my feet are fat again.

I, like many people are I am sure, am starting to play out swine flu scenarios in my head. Since I was just sick with the flu in December images and memories of the misery of that illness are vibrant. So I’m imagining that the germ is still inside of me. Or that an imprint has been made and that I will attract the new germ to myself. I have not felt good since September anyway and it just seems like I keep getting worse. Getting over the flu in December was a huge relief but I’ve never been the same since.

3. Photography; took one photo today of what I ate for lunch. Cooked it myself. Baby bok choy, green beans, shitake mushrooms and 3 catfish filets on a bed of steamed basmati rice. Cooked it all in just 20 minutes in the rice cooker/steamer. I’m getting a little worried about the future work I am going to be able to do. I’m distracted by wanting to do more and more of the work I did last year on the Cemetery Girl project and keep dancing around with thoughts of scheduling more shoots. And now I have two new models that want to keep me busy when all I really want to do is finish this shooting project with one last model; lil presh. I have a special connection with her, in that we are both bipolar and are having a hell of a time getting in synch with our mood schedules! but then that is it. i’ve been talking about post-production projects for so long now, I have got to stop shooting and start producing; Blurb books, and Zazzle merchandise.

And my novel.

But see, I feel like I’m dying. I feel like any day, with this high blood pressure out of control that I could have a heart attack or a stroke. I’m in pain, I can’t get comfortable, and the swine flu is dressed as death standing outside my window. No peace in this body or soul tonight. My mania pushes me to keep doing as much work as I can in case I do die soon.

-FIN-