if it weren’t for me…

there would be no drama in my life. so i have this book publishing party to go to tomorrow night. i want to go, about 33%, NOT GO 77%. so i’ve been trying to set up a anti-sabotage tactic to actually get me to go, because I SHOULD go. but going to an event like this is like walking into a blazing fire to me. against my nature. i asked a friend to go with me. that would make it easier, right? Right? i chose the best “friend option” i have going but i end up talking myself out of trusting that she’ll actually go with me. yeah. THEN i rescinded my offer to her and me, Mr. Honesty, told her why. any normal dude would have made up some kind of lie, right? funny ending to this story, up to the minute at least is that i asked a different friend to go with me instead of first friend.  thinking that second friend would not stir same mental crazzy thinking in my mind. she agreed, but then called me around 9pm to say that she has to go out with her husband tomorrow night instead. it’s his birthday.

with body issues mounting on top of mental/emotional issues the odds are getting worse. i’m sure i won’t make it tomorrow. now in my favor, i’ll resurrect my age old defenses. where have these people been in my life over the past 30+ years. did any of them seek me out on the internet and ask to meet up or go out and do something, or become the friends we never were but might be? contrarily i feel like i am pushing myself out to show myself as something that i am not. i am not a Danville person. i never have been nor ever will be. i don’t need to meet these Danville people, who i feel more represent a gauntlet around the star of the evening than aides to assist someone like me fit in or feel comfortable. going to this event will only weaken me and strengthen my foreclosed opinion that i have never belonged here.

 

 

just a couple of random images form my collection.