health talk, sad dreams...
TEASER: to read the entirety of this very long blog entry you must follow this link to the blog itself. once there, you can listen to music with the new FineTunes player i installed, watch video previews of the upcoming movie SUPERBAD, and leave tags on my new tag board. you can also check the status of my webcam - which i am turning on an awful lot this week.
i slept strangely this morning, emotions and body felings affected by the places my dreams took me. fell asleep between 2:30 & 3am and woke up around 9:30. it is so nice to be dreaming again but it is strange how the places we visit andthe things we see ourselves do in our dreamworlds can affect the way our emotions feel when we wake up.
i think the overall experience i had in the three or four somewhat epic dreams i had this morning was of rejection. 30 minutes ago as i came out of these dreams i debated how much personal detail i would reveal as there were real life characters in the dreams, and now that i am sitting here trying to write about them, all but the very personal detail has disappeared. well, i'll go with what i have and see what comes back.
the very last dream was of my son and i going to a friend of mine's house. that friend was not home but for some reason i felt like it was ok for us to go inside to wait for them to come home. it was a large and spacious house decorated spartanly. we looked around nervously as it seemed to me that we had just become homeless (or there had been some kind of life emergency) and i was going to ask this friend to help us out. we looked at his book and video tape collection. i indiscrimanately selected a tape from the shelf and put it in the vcr. my son was over looking out a window, waiting for them to come home.
i watched the home recorded video that revealed some secret about the friend - i do not think that i actually saw the contents of the tape though. i just knew that the tape held secrets that he did not want revealed to anyone. shortly after that he arrived home alone. he, in his normal dry, unemotional tone said that we had to go. that if anyone of his "people" (family or friends) saw us in his house it would mean trouble for him. while he was saying these things he nervously flustered with putting the tape back into its hiding place on the shelf.
then my son and i left the house. oh, and one last thing, he revealed a secret that i did not know about. that he had three daughters. three sons, which i knew about but also three daughters that i had never heard about. "Where do you keep them?" I asked. "They are at their mother's house doing crafts." When he had said that he was afraid of what people would think about "me" a vision of elders appeared in my mind.
oh yes, the preceding dream had to do with meeting two of my Flickr friends for a photoshoot. i had spoken with Green Hocker and Minnemynx on the phone about their coming up from the south bay to Berkeley to walk around and take photos. now there was nothing strange about this dreams events that alluded to my behavior, other than it just happened. or so it seems now. i was supposed to meet the two of them at the BART station in Berkeley at a set time; 5:30pm. something made me nervous though and i created a distraction for myself that prevented me from being able to be there on time. i phoned Minnemynx to tell her. she said that it was fine, that they would just take photos in the immediate neighborhood until i got there. i got there about an hour late and it had become dark.
nothing worse than this happened in the dream. it was the feeling of angst that i had that brought my energy down. i have a lot of respect for these people and letting them down like this really made me feel bad about myself.
as for the first dream of the sleep, right now i just cannot remember except that i suspect it had to do with the loss of a friendship that used to mean a lot to me.
i woke up feeling really sad and am not sure what i will do to kick out of it today. it is day 6 of this current house/pet sitting job and i am actually doing pretty well. no serious angst from missing sleeping in my own bed. the dog here is a lot of fun. a 5 year old Irish Setter named Brinkley. he loves to go for walks and will chase balls till he drops from exhaustion.
one other thing i should mention about the exorcism process is that i am staying aware of it; i know that it is a slow process and shouldn't expect immediate or monumental changes. i am just trying to stay aware of things on subtle levels.
i posted a few days ago about the book, THE GAME. well, the character that book is about is a man who goes by the name MYSTERY. he claims to be a master pick-up artist and teaches other men how to become pick-up artists. i have never been interested in picking up women and have never tried to before. haven't got a clue about how to do it. just another ingredient in my recipe of being a loser. well, his book is inspiring me to try some things he talks about. also, he has a reality tv show on VH1 that started last night.
one thing that he tells his proteges is that they must have "a look". wear something interesting that catches the attention of women's eyes; make yourself a bit of a character. well, i am already a bit of a character, with my long hair and ear rings. these things have not worked.
other things he suggests are painting fingernails black - something that has seemed curious to me whenever i've seen it on men but have never tried myself before. after watching the show last night i felt like i should do the nails and also dye my hair again; either black or a dark red. something i really enjoyed a lot before.
and now i am back in the position of lone man again. last night Alan phoned and told me that he has a girl friend. i am really happy for him. not that i really expected having a chance to hang out with him again but i was picturing us being wingmen for each other so we could try some of Mystery's techniques. now i don't know any single men at all to hang out with.
i slept strangely this morning, emotions and body felings affected by the places my dreams took me. fell asleep between 2:30 & 3am and woke up around 9:30. it is so nice to be dreaming again but it is strange how the places we visit andthe things we see ourselves do in our dreamworlds can affect the way our emotions feel when we wake up.
i think the overall experience i had in the three or four somewhat epic dreams i had this morning was of rejection. 30 minutes ago as i came out of these dreams i debated how much personal detail i would reveal as there were real life characters in the dreams, and now that i am sitting here trying to write about them, all but the very personal detail has disappeared. well, i'll go with what i have and see what comes back.
the very last dream was of my son and i going to a friend of mine's house. that friend was not home but for some reason i felt like it was ok for us to go inside to wait for them to come home. it was a large and spacious house decorated spartanly. we looked around nervously as it seemed to me that we had just become homeless (or there had been some kind of life emergency) and i was going to ask this friend to help us out. we looked at his book and video tape collection. i indiscrimanately selected a tape from the shelf and put it in the vcr. my son was over looking out a window, waiting for them to come home.
i watched the home recorded video that revealed some secret about the friend - i do not think that i actually saw the contents of the tape though. i just knew that the tape held secrets that he did not want revealed to anyone. shortly after that he arrived home alone. he, in his normal dry, unemotional tone said that we had to go. that if anyone of his "people" (family or friends) saw us in his house it would mean trouble for him. while he was saying these things he nervously flustered with putting the tape back into its hiding place on the shelf.
then my son and i left the house. oh, and one last thing, he revealed a secret that i did not know about. that he had three daughters. three sons, which i knew about but also three daughters that i had never heard about. "Where do you keep them?" I asked. "They are at their mother's house doing crafts." When he had said that he was afraid of what people would think about "me" a vision of elders appeared in my mind.
oh yes, the preceding dream had to do with meeting two of my Flickr friends for a photoshoot. i had spoken with Green Hocker and Minnemynx on the phone about their coming up from the south bay to Berkeley to walk around and take photos. now there was nothing strange about this dreams events that alluded to my behavior, other than it just happened. or so it seems now. i was supposed to meet the two of them at the BART station in Berkeley at a set time; 5:30pm. something made me nervous though and i created a distraction for myself that prevented me from being able to be there on time. i phoned Minnemynx to tell her. she said that it was fine, that they would just take photos in the immediate neighborhood until i got there. i got there about an hour late and it had become dark.
nothing worse than this happened in the dream. it was the feeling of angst that i had that brought my energy down. i have a lot of respect for these people and letting them down like this really made me feel bad about myself.
as for the first dream of the sleep, right now i just cannot remember except that i suspect it had to do with the loss of a friendship that used to mean a lot to me.
i woke up feeling really sad and am not sure what i will do to kick out of it today. it is day 6 of this current house/pet sitting job and i am actually doing pretty well. no serious angst from missing sleeping in my own bed. the dog here is a lot of fun. a 5 year old Irish Setter named Brinkley. he loves to go for walks and will chase balls till he drops from exhaustion.
one other thing i should mention about the exorcism process is that i am staying aware of it; i know that it is a slow process and shouldn't expect immediate or monumental changes. i am just trying to stay aware of things on subtle levels.
i posted a few days ago about the book, THE GAME. well, the character that book is about is a man who goes by the name MYSTERY. he claims to be a master pick-up artist and teaches other men how to become pick-up artists. i have never been interested in picking up women and have never tried to before. haven't got a clue about how to do it. just another ingredient in my recipe of being a loser. well, his book is inspiring me to try some things he talks about. also, he has a reality tv show on VH1 that started last night.
one thing that he tells his proteges is that they must have "a look". wear something interesting that catches the attention of women's eyes; make yourself a bit of a character. well, i am already a bit of a character, with my long hair and ear rings. these things have not worked.
other things he suggests are painting fingernails black - something that has seemed curious to me whenever i've seen it on men but have never tried myself before. after watching the show last night i felt like i should do the nails and also dye my hair again; either black or a dark red. something i really enjoyed a lot before.and now i am back in the position of lone man again. last night Alan phoned and told me that he has a girl friend. i am really happy for him. not that i really expected having a chance to hang out with him again but i was picturing us being wingmen for each other so we could try some of Mystery's techniques. now i don't know any single men at all to hang out with.
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