THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

on top of everything else that i feel that i cannot do as of late (lost all desire to do photography, cannot write/finish my novel), now i can add to the list that i feel unable to muster up the belief in myself to become mentally powerful enough to overcome the obstacles that prevent me from returning to college to complete my college degree. ugh, i can't even concentrate enough to write this ... more later. things are getting dark all around me...

suicide note/love letter/thank you note to god/the devil/to everyone i’ve ever known/everyone i’ve never met, and mostly to the one woman who made me feel the capability to love the most. i feel like my life is at a pinnacle moment now and that it’s a fine time to step away from the drawing board of trying to think of new reasons of why to stay alive here, to spend more time causing consternation in the minds and lives of those that my tumultuous life affects. i’ve met someone that makes me feel more love and happiness for being alive and for being able to tell the truth about how i feel about things than anyone i’ve ever known before. i’ve never been made so happy from the simple deeds of just being able to tell the truth to someone like this before. there was one woman whose companionship and loyalty through 8 years of life together sufficed as solid friendship, stronger than anyone ever stood by me before - yet, i had no ability to communicate truthfully with her like I can w...

each day that passes, i know, by logic, that i'm closer to my end. what frightens me though is how i find that there is a mixture of how i am orchestrating my end, both by my own actions, thoughts, and deeds, combined with the mechanisms of how the universe around me operates. it's a dance of death, this life. i can't believe i've lasted as long as i have. and more than ever i'm feeling greatly tired of being here. i hate pornography. if i were a mercenary i would hunt it down like a despised politician and assassinate it i hate it so despisedly. It's ruined me as a lover in this lifetime. pure truth. i lie not. it's been a curse upon me since i first discovered copies of dad's playboy magazines that were hidden in the garage when i was a boy. a fascination and fear of women was instilled inside of me that made it forever impossible for me to have natural occurring experiences with women. I once had a naturally occurring experience with a woman, but I ...

i'm migrating south for the winter. moving to Norway. got the itch to go live there when i was in England the first time when i was 19 and saw those fair skinned kin in person for the first time - recognized them right off the bat before i even had any genealogical proof that i was from that land. i remember meeting a few of them that were vacationing while spending afternoons in St. James's Park and talking with them, and feeling as if they were brothers and sisters... we looked so much alike. why are my thoughts drifting here now? because of how out of place i feel in this soul-arid place... because i have no souls i connect with here, no kindred souls, no family, no friends, no friendly people, not even enemies, no one that cares about or hates me... i just create disinterest and fade into nothingness here. it doesn't even make sense what i said about wanting to go to Norway except that I do really have kindred there. i did some genealogy research and there are blood rel...

And he's back on the downswing again. I did good for two weeks, wrote everyday and got about 20k words added to the novel. Then made some weird, unfounded decision to go off my meds and replace them with drinking St. Johns Wort. Except that I lapse on drinking it when I should. I lapse in doing anything when I should. Like eating, or sleeping, our exercising. No system in my life at all right now. Screwing up on being friendly with anyone right now too. No, I'm way of key.

things have changed since i wrote the last entry, already. i really do have the very best friend in my life now, the very best I've ever had and I am deeply in a mysterious swoon of spellbinding connection with her. we had a long talk last night about "things", and she helped soothe my discontent, in ways that I believe only she could have done. i had been in a sliding path of doom, and even though she was still around and hanging out with me, it took the soul-breaking despair that i fell into to be able to confront it. now i feel reawakened and have swung around back into place where my plans of a hopeful future are alive. i have a desire of a plan and by god, i'm gonna do it or die.... later, hahaha

i'm not doing well. this should probably be a private posting, with the feelings i'm having, and the thoughts i'm considering sharing. but i don't care. if i write this privately and no one knows about it but me, how will any energy from the universe come to rescue me... i am so starved for love and affection that it's close to killing me. my thoughts just about an hour ago were, "once i finish writing this novel, i'm done. gone. over with all of this." i will have created my legacy with my photography and i will have completed the one story that i've poured more heart and soul into than anything else i've done in this lifetime. i just don't have any strength or imagination left for what i could go on to do after this is finished. the misery of feeling like a reject from society and of not being loveable enough to attract someone to come close into my life, it just makes this all feel like i'm in solitary confinement in a prison in a ...