negative perspective outlook - rant

i'm migrating south for the winter. moving to Norway. got the itch to go live there when i was in England the first time when i was 19 and saw those fair skinned kin in person for the first time - recognized them right off the bat before i even had any genealogical proof that i was from that land. i remember meeting a few of them that were vacationing while spending afternoons in St. James's Park and talking with them, and feeling as if they were brothers and sisters... we looked so much alike. why are my thoughts drifting here now? because of how out of place i feel in this soul-arid place... because i have no souls i connect with here, no kindred souls, no family, no friends, no friendly people, not even enemies, no one that cares about or hates me... i just create disinterest and fade into nothingness here. it doesn't even make sense what i said about wanting to go to Norway except that I do really have kindred there. i did some genealogy research and there are blood relatives of mine living there. distant, distant cousins. the origins of my roots are there.

this always happens when i stop doing my model photography shoots. i get socially depressed. the interaction i have with the models is like a salve for my soul. they give me enough of a feeling of being a social being that i feel human enough to remember that i am normal enough to seem healthy. i don't depend on just one person for socialization. and i don't isolate into oblivion when that one person is not available. this time though is different. normally i feel like i'm going to go back and do the photography again. now, i feel like i've totally burned out on the photography. i don't have any new vision left. i don't feel any desire to do it anymore. not with anyone. not even with my fav muse. i don't have any desire to do anything anymore with anyone.

yesterday i got excited about going out for the evening with someone tomorrow night in the city, but she ended up freaking out because she thought it was going to be too much like "a date", so i freaked out about her freak out and i told her to forget about ever being friends at all ever again. and then that spread to another person too. someone else that i've wanted to be close to for a really long time, someone i've made myself available to that i have really strong feelings for who never responds to my my signals of desire for her... i made a gesture earlier today of giving up on ever wanting to say a thing to her again because she won't even try to talk to me. i'm just a land mine of ruinous fearful destruction for anyone that i have feelings for in this world. i can only exist separate from people. i need to become a full and complete hermit devoid of desire. if i have desire or attraction for people, i'll only create destruction. of them or myself. and maybe i'll end up destroying myself if i live in isolation, but at least that way i won't destroy anyone else - because no one else will be destroyed by my having desire for them anymore.