THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

someone please come bury us... that's practically what it feels like should happen. two full months have passed since my last entry here where I spoke about the digression of my wonderful friendship with my muse-girl, and even though i refused to give up, in my mind, or with my actions, my heart link stayed connected to her, well now it is all severed. there is only memories and ashes. she has ground me and all of my hopes of ever having any esteem in her eyes to crushed bone beneath her iron-studded boot heels. she hates me. i, in one sense and one sense only, have given up the fight right now. and that sense is because of her how blinded she has become to any of the light that does exist inside of, between us. i know it is still there. i feel it. it will not go out. i have not lost my love for her or my belief in her or us. but i am in such a dismal state of self-worth right now because of how she has ground me to believe that, in her opinion i am nothing but a source of damage...

i've never felt anything like this happen before. not exactly like this because i don't believe it. okay, wait. i've been through a divorce. i was married. joined solidly by the heart to someone after living with them for 8 years. whether you fully love a person during times like that or not, there is attachment and the tearing apart of such attachment hurts. i remember hurting, a lot when that happened. my friend, my best friend that I could communicate with such truth to has just told me that she does not want me as a friend any longer. that she is unable to bear the negativism of how I have behaved, of how I have treated her. that i've become a foul tasting thing in her life and memories. i acknowledged my sins. but when i tried to remind her of good memories, there were none that arose in her mind, the blackness of my miserableness was too thick for her to see through. now the strange thing to me is, that despite this casting out... i do not feel a separation in...

just want to document that my dear friend had the strongest break in her spirit occur this week, during the time that i've known her, at least. was it an emotional breakdown? by medical terms? i don't know, but by all other signs, yes, she broke down emotionally. she was so heavily burdened by a thousand tons of emotions that were crushing her heart and soul and she was fighting with her mind to stay alive, to find a way to keep alive to keep on living. I've never seen such determination in anyone , ever. At least not in someone I've known personally. she entered the hospital about 50 hours ago to get emergency care and i don't know when I'll hear from her again. i get snippets of info through the grapevine but until i hear from her directly i won't truly know how she is doing. it's a real turning point, in so many ways for her, but it's also a point where she is going to be taken deeper into the realities of having to deal realistically with all the...

Forgive the negligence of my habit here. The gaps in time break the story flow so badly sometimes. The last entry should have been followed up within 3 days with the news that the silence we fell into ended. There is a force at work between us greater than our shallow thinking that overwhelms our confusions that helps us heal our misunderstandings and brings us back to union. We are once again stronger than before, yet there are still obstacles in the way that make it difficult for us to be as close as would most powerfully benefit both of our lives. I'd have to read back through my entries here, or in my other blog(s) about what my former predictions were about when she and I becoming a pair, an actual couple. Because now, more than after any of the previous breakups she's been through I have a resurgence of conviction that despite how strongly she still denies the possibility, and despite how much I have surrendered my own imaginations to her disbelief that we could ever b...

i have not written here in a very long time for a few reasons. one has been that i've been so full busy of the doings of my life that i've had no time or reason to contemplate or record my activities and thoughts. another reason i've stopped writing is because many of the activities i've been engaging in of late are no one's business but my own and my closest confidantes, and my suspicion has been aroused that there have been new readers of the blog that have cast judgement upon myself and other's close to me. that suspicion has led me to take steps to relocate the blog. whether that will hide it or not well enough, i do not know. why I do not just turn the blog entirely private is because i cannot write in this confessional manner that i enter into in these entries unless i have the sense that i am speaking before a wide open audience, as if i were in the court of God. in a private room, i would feel too scrutinized by my own observations to let myself speak fr...

i gá a thaifeadadh an dáta seo do na glúine ar mhaithe toisc go bhfuil crosbhóthar mór bainte amach. Is é mo cairdeas le óg Miss Scarlett i mbaol de dar críoch. agus díreach mar a thosaigh mé a scríobh seo amach le hintinn go hiomlán chun dul i domhain le léargais agus na mínithe ar cad a tharla dúinn a thabhairt chuig an bpointe seo (a bhí i réidh le dul isteach i doimhneacht an oiread sin go raibh mé ag dul a aistriú an téacs seo go Fraincis ionas go mba aon duine a stumble ar seo bheadh ​​siad ag dul trí roinnt iarracht chun a fháil amach cad a bhí scríofa i - ach amháin ar ndóigh, bhí siad ina labhraítear Fraincis). Ach anois go bhfuil mé ag scríobh nach bhfuil mé gur mhaith leat cuma a insint duit cad a tharla. Ní gá dom a aer mo cheann amach. Ní gá dom gearán a dhéanamh. Ní gá dom a mhíniú mo thaobh den scéal. Cad é is cóir agus beidh mé ag déileáil leis. Beidh mé a rá go bhfuil mé wounded mór ag an méid a tharla. Go mothaíonn gach lá ar an scaradh óna cosúil le bás. Gur thug ...

you know why i like the dark seasons (autumn & winter)? because they give me permission to be a depressive. at least that is what i've exemplified for myself as a cry of victory over the majority of my lifetime.  its more okay to be depressed during these months than it is when the sun is constantly shining. i'm not going to say any of what's on my mind or in my heart properly or succinctly enough in this entry because i'm very out of practice with writing. i'm out of practice with communicating outwardly and publicly. i have been living in secrecy for a very long time now and mete out what i want to be known in teaspoon fulls, but not to anyone in particular. i am becoming obscure and reclusive. it's been roughly a year since i left facebook and my goal of making stronger, real seeming relationships with people not  using that platform of communication has floundered. the majority of the members of the modern world that have been swept up into the easines...