THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

okay, this is going to be a rant. i know it already and i am so glad i have this privacy to say what i want to say with no fear of anyone reading this. i don't want anyone to know how i am feeling or what i am thinking. even though nothing is entirely private. it's all illusions. i've played out a pattern of behavior in my life that i now recognize for what it is. that doesn't make sense, but give me a chance. there is something i keep doing, over and over, and each time i do it i end up not getting what i want. the thing that i want must either be unattainable, or ill thought, or i go about seeking/pursuing it badly, or i have really bad luck with what it is that i end up attracting to myself. all i want is someone to hang out with. someone to do fun and innocent things with. go to bookstores with. go to cafes with. go to movies with. go on drives to explore places with. the things i do by myself, i just want someone else to hang out with to do these things with. i...

i printed off a copy of my completed nanowrimo from 2010 so that i can read through it and start to make notes and scratch outs and changes. on reading the very first page i see a great thing. that the idea i had in the very beginning, of writing the story about a man that is dying and trying to write a testimony of what has brought about his demise - well, it looks like in the span of two nanowrimos i actually did it! i did not lose the thread that i imagined from the beginning. there may be some structural elements that need adjusting. for one thing, the first nano i did this thing with counting down the days 30-1 until the end of the month as chapter headings. and i did not do that for the second nanowrimo. so that has either got to change by dropping the countdown from the first nano or there must be someway to sprout from the end of the first one into the second one and make it work. anyway, i'm trying to figure out how to start the process of going through the pages (and pa...

i had a feeling all the month of November that this time i wanted to really finish this novel, finish it for good. not wait till whenever  to eventually get to it. and i think i'm closer to living up to this feeling than i thought possible. it's the beginning of January and my ambitions are shifting. i still love the photography. need to do the photography. but my ambition for it to be something that will make me money, or save me is dying out. well, i still think it is something that can save me because i still get so much joy from the creation of the imagery, but i do not have professional ambitions or skills that will take me out of my obscurity. and i have, i hope, genuinely started to move into a path of dissolution of those desires. by not socializing with photographers anymore, and by not pushing my work out there to be seen, its coming down to just being something i do for myself. i have a very strange friendship right now. i'm friends with a person that is so (...

i fell in love with the music of opeth during the winter of 2007. it was near the time when i first discovered the soothing balm of death metal music... they are playing in San Francisco on Tuesday night and i feel like i should be there. i'm on the verge of buying a ticket to go by myself. i just would rather have someone to go with. my first choice of who i'd like to go with is my oldest known Opeth fan friend, Rachel. i still have a crush on her and i think she suspects this. she said no when i asked her to go with me. i wrote a note just a few minutes ago to see if young Kaiti, the fiery Norse-goddess from Oakland wants to go. waiting to hear back from her. if she says yes, i will definitely go. tempted to ask Daisy, sort of as a last resort but she seems so spacey to me sometimes when i've been out with her before i'm not sure what it would be like to be with her, even though any time i've been out with her before i've enjoyed myself. and here is the sad fa...

okay, i'm not sure where this came from but i am so glad it came. i just sprung up with an idea that could be monumental, if i can really tap into a power source and get focused enough to do it. i think i can write not just one, but a series of "Cemetery Girl" novels. of course, i need to get the first one finished... but there is inspiration inside all of my models that i have photographed that i can create new stories from. they'd have to be short novels. this is the thing i have to start brainstorming "down" with, is bringing the hugeness of the first novel i have been wanting to write down to a manageable size. you have to get focused though, man. your energy goes out so many places and it's hard for you to concentrate... just sitting here in the cafe for 2 hours tonight you hit on some amazing breakthrough ideas. first you have to finish the Danville Cemetery Girl story. then you can write the Wenchi-Julia Morgan Cemetery Girl story. then you ca...

okay, so i'm feeling a new idea pull together about how to get my senses to pull in their straggling, wavering indifference's about how to be serious about what is going on these days... how's that for a blur of meaning and intent...  so here is one thing that realllllly bothers me, and i don't know if it's a mirrored reflection of my own personality and the energy i put out as a person and an artist or what. it must be, but why it works this way i'm really not sure. a mystery of life i guess...  i keep asking models if they want to do some new work with me. and everyone says, "yes" and "soon" and "i'll get back to you", but soon never comes. i am either only asking indecisive and insecure models to work with me, or i am equally radiating an air of indecision and wishy-washyness. i mean, i'll confess to that for sure because i have been feeling wishy washy over the past few weeks. without confident and energetic desires comi...

i did have an idea, once, of using my cemetery girl photographs as the basis for writing children stories with. or at least writing stories in a children's story book-like format; picture story books... if you will. not that the stories would need to be fit for children, but that the allure may be in the stories being fairy-tale like... or the appearance of the books being appealing in an innocent style that might make them more attractive to buyers. and see? this is where i fail as a social creature. i do not have the ability to attract anyone to sit down next to me to have a conversation with to talk about this idea and say, "hey! wanna collaborate? i have this idea but i'm not sure how to do it just right. and i'm willing to let you work on this with me, share making this a creation between the two of us." it's partly because i don't know anyone well enough. the people i do know all think i am just a do-it-by-yourself-kinda-guy and they never suspect ...