november ended, now it's time to rewrite...
i had a feeling all the month of November that this time i wanted to really finish this novel, finish it for good. not wait till whenever to eventually get to it. and i think i'm closer to living up to this feeling than i thought possible. it's the beginning of January and my ambitions are shifting. i still love the photography. need to do the photography. but my ambition for it to be something that will make me money, or save me is dying out. well, i still think it is something that can save me because i still get so much joy from the creation of the imagery, but i do not have professional ambitions or skills that will take me out of my obscurity. and i have, i hope, genuinely started to move into a path of dissolution of those desires. by not socializing with photographers anymore, and by not pushing my work out there to be seen, its coming down to just being something i do for myself.
i have a very strange friendship right now. i'm friends with a person that is so (seemingly) narcissistic that she really does not see beyond the edges of her own world. i get no feedback from her about "me" - "how narcissistic is that?", one may ask... but it's strange because i do get emotional energy from her that feeds me. i just can't rely on her for what i'd call normal friendship feedback. can't tell her things and expect understanding in conversation, and certainly cannot rely on her as someone i'd turn to in time of need. she is also extremely private. she fascinates me though. i just don't know why i feel so compelled to engage with her.
one thing about her is that her beauty mystifies me. she has let me photograph her several times and i am drawn into a web of seduction by being entranced by her looks. this is a new thing, to get so close to a model. i have several models that i've photographed more than one time, and in the course of doing so we have more conversations. but those conversations do not always lead to a deeper personal connection or understanding. i really wanted that to happen with Presh but she never had any opening in her defenses to let me get beyond a certain level in knowing her. and now it's been over 6 months since i've even heard a peep from her.
i just have to be careful of the dependencies i develop with these girls. and yes, there are others. one other in particular right now, but she's different. i don't really want to over talk about them right now. the important thing is that they are becoming friends that will actually spend time with me. they've met me in coffee shops, they've gone out driving with me, we've done more than one photo shoot together and i feel that our work together is getting better. they are deep, complex young women though and neither of them are available for me to develop close, bf/gf relationships with. which, really is fine. i don't have the emotional or financial capacity for that. i am just glad that i have the two of them for the interactions i am having with them.
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i came into this blog entry to write about my new ideas for what i want to do this month. i want to start to work on rewriting the draft of my novel that i wrote in November. this also means that i have to take into consideration the larger task of rewriting the draft that i wrote in November of 2010 because it is part of what i wrote two months ago. this feels good that i am here now, writing this, saying this, thinking this, and actually writing this because it is partly what i promised myself i would do. and following through on that seems really important.
another thing is on the drawing board for this month and that is a class at dvc. an art class. a class i feel a deep conviction about taking because of where i know it can lead me with my creative endeavors. i am fearful of the energy required for the commitment though. it's not that hard of a class schedule, only two days a week in the afternoons, but it is a definite sway away from my old routine of doing just the photography. well, plus the writing schedule... it's a lot of things. and the new thing of learning to draw and paint. it's really starting to stretch my mind into new directions and it's going to bring on a lot of frustration. i'm likely to feel like tossing the whole thing after the first week. or after the first class meeting. but maybe i'll be awakened with a brilliant sense of discovery and self awareness, and potentiality and the sleeping dragon inside of me that wants to draw will be rise and find it's way to the surface where it can breath and find new things to do.
the other thing that is really important about taking this class and sticking it out is BEING at the college. being around people. not only will i find new people to photograph, but i may actually make some new friends. and maybe even find, NO, don't say it. don't even think it. don't even consider the possibility...
i have a very strange friendship right now. i'm friends with a person that is so (seemingly) narcissistic that she really does not see beyond the edges of her own world. i get no feedback from her about "me" - "how narcissistic is that?", one may ask... but it's strange because i do get emotional energy from her that feeds me. i just can't rely on her for what i'd call normal friendship feedback. can't tell her things and expect understanding in conversation, and certainly cannot rely on her as someone i'd turn to in time of need. she is also extremely private. she fascinates me though. i just don't know why i feel so compelled to engage with her.
one thing about her is that her beauty mystifies me. she has let me photograph her several times and i am drawn into a web of seduction by being entranced by her looks. this is a new thing, to get so close to a model. i have several models that i've photographed more than one time, and in the course of doing so we have more conversations. but those conversations do not always lead to a deeper personal connection or understanding. i really wanted that to happen with Presh but she never had any opening in her defenses to let me get beyond a certain level in knowing her. and now it's been over 6 months since i've even heard a peep from her.
i just have to be careful of the dependencies i develop with these girls. and yes, there are others. one other in particular right now, but she's different. i don't really want to over talk about them right now. the important thing is that they are becoming friends that will actually spend time with me. they've met me in coffee shops, they've gone out driving with me, we've done more than one photo shoot together and i feel that our work together is getting better. they are deep, complex young women though and neither of them are available for me to develop close, bf/gf relationships with. which, really is fine. i don't have the emotional or financial capacity for that. i am just glad that i have the two of them for the interactions i am having with them.
___
i came into this blog entry to write about my new ideas for what i want to do this month. i want to start to work on rewriting the draft of my novel that i wrote in November. this also means that i have to take into consideration the larger task of rewriting the draft that i wrote in November of 2010 because it is part of what i wrote two months ago. this feels good that i am here now, writing this, saying this, thinking this, and actually writing this because it is partly what i promised myself i would do. and following through on that seems really important.
another thing is on the drawing board for this month and that is a class at dvc. an art class. a class i feel a deep conviction about taking because of where i know it can lead me with my creative endeavors. i am fearful of the energy required for the commitment though. it's not that hard of a class schedule, only two days a week in the afternoons, but it is a definite sway away from my old routine of doing just the photography. well, plus the writing schedule... it's a lot of things. and the new thing of learning to draw and paint. it's really starting to stretch my mind into new directions and it's going to bring on a lot of frustration. i'm likely to feel like tossing the whole thing after the first week. or after the first class meeting. but maybe i'll be awakened with a brilliant sense of discovery and self awareness, and potentiality and the sleeping dragon inside of me that wants to draw will be rise and find it's way to the surface where it can breath and find new things to do.
the other thing that is really important about taking this class and sticking it out is BEING at the college. being around people. not only will i find new people to photograph, but i may actually make some new friends. and maybe even find, NO, don't say it. don't even think it. don't even consider the possibility...
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