for the want of a friend, my heart breaketh, yet again...
okay, this is going to be a rant. i know it already and i am so glad i have this privacy to say what i want to say with no fear of anyone reading this. i don't want anyone to know how i am feeling or what i am thinking. even though nothing is entirely private. it's all illusions.
i've played out a pattern of behavior in my life that i now recognize for what it is. that doesn't make sense, but give me a chance. there is something i keep doing, over and over, and each time i do it i end up not getting what i want. the thing that i want must either be unattainable, or ill thought, or i go about seeking/pursuing it badly, or i have really bad luck with what it is that i end up attracting to myself.
all i want is someone to hang out with. someone to do fun and innocent things with. go to bookstores with. go to cafes with. go to movies with. go on drives to explore places with. the things i do by myself, i just want someone else to hang out with to do these things with. i'm not looking for a life partner. but i am looking for a steady friend. i do want to spend time with someone i can get better acquainted with over time. i want to be friends with someone that i can call in the middle of the week and suggest an afternoon hanging out together, and they'd say "yes".
i can't find someone like this though. not even something as simple as a companion regularly available for afternoon teas. i'd like more, sure. i've sought more, sure. but in the failure to attain, or acquire the larger friendships, companionship, i've narrowed down my vision. over the past 7 years i have had two strong friendships with young women online that i felt a strong enough connection with that i envisioned the possibility of being able to engage in more complex friendships, companionships with. okay, i'll say it, actually to the point of being able and desiring to live with these women. and in our conversations the topic was explored. in both cases, it was agreed that there was enough common interest in lifestyles and behaviorisms that we'd experience an improvement in our lives by living together.
there were circumstances in both friendships that prevented us from ever being able to create lives together and eventually the friendships fell into states of abandonment. i placed a lot of hope for the fulfillment of my soul's happiness on the expectation of being able to have one of these women enter my life and give me something, someone to devote my energies to, and to also be loved by. one of the friendships developed over a period of nearly 4 years, and i still have contact with this person, but all the intensity and openness of our original passion as friends has died out. strange, but now she is ready to move to California. timing really is critical in life. you build something up with someone and there is the period of blossoming when energies are passing back and forth, mingling between two entities and there is a sense of connection that makes your minds and heart work as one. i had that with this friend for a long time. it just was not the right time then... and now that has all died out after years of separation and searching elsewhere for companionship. momentum... it's a real force. and it takes a lot of concentration to build up. we had it. but then we lost our grip, lost our focus, lost our chances...
she came from a broken home too. i don't know how much credit to give that for saying it's to blame for her not being able to better help make things happen, but this is part of where the pattern becomes exposed. the second friend, just last year came from a broken home too. bad father figure in her life. they both had bad fathers. and now i'm attracted to someone else with a bad father. are these young women finding me? seeing something in me that they miss? need? i was not a great father, despite the fact that i raised a child that is a productive member in society. he has his scars, and i helped cause them but i never intentionally harmed my son. my damage to him was based on my inability to care properly for myself. and that is also to blame on the failure of my ability to maintain a healthy relationship with my son's mother. that all goes back to my problems with addiction... which leads back to me not having a healthy father/son relationship in my life... damn.
i don't understand all of the complexities of the issues in the current friend's life to make a fair judgement, partly because she is unable to communicate. to simply sit and talk about her issues, she cannot do it. i think part of the problem for me is that having attractions to young women, there is a time balance matter in play. the young, predominately think that they have the rest of their lives ahead of them to do things. that there will always be time later. they have an optimistic outlook for there being an open-ended flow of time available to themselves to do things. i on the other hand have crossed over a line where i now feel like time is running out. i think it started quite awhile ago when my body hurt more of the time than it felt good. it also started to seem that there is less time when it became more evident to me that there are certain things that i just cannot make happen in my life. i cannot attract the opposite sex anymore. last girlfriend? 1998. seriously folks, that means something. and there is the forever present threat that "life is short". death can strike at any moment. you've got to live while the living is good.
one good thing about this new attraction is that i found someone local. not someone that i have to get to move across the country to get to come visit me. but that's besides the point. nothing more is going to happen between this one and i. i haven't got the strength of spirit or heart to be stretched this far apart just to get someone to come out and have coffee. i've offered to do as many things as i can to help her, to make things easier for her, to trust me as someone new she can talk to but she won't... my heart, i have to take care of it. too many breaks before that even the slightest threat of calamity scares me to death. if i were being met along the way, it would be different. but she's no where to be seen.
i've played out a pattern of behavior in my life that i now recognize for what it is. that doesn't make sense, but give me a chance. there is something i keep doing, over and over, and each time i do it i end up not getting what i want. the thing that i want must either be unattainable, or ill thought, or i go about seeking/pursuing it badly, or i have really bad luck with what it is that i end up attracting to myself.
all i want is someone to hang out with. someone to do fun and innocent things with. go to bookstores with. go to cafes with. go to movies with. go on drives to explore places with. the things i do by myself, i just want someone else to hang out with to do these things with. i'm not looking for a life partner. but i am looking for a steady friend. i do want to spend time with someone i can get better acquainted with over time. i want to be friends with someone that i can call in the middle of the week and suggest an afternoon hanging out together, and they'd say "yes".
i can't find someone like this though. not even something as simple as a companion regularly available for afternoon teas. i'd like more, sure. i've sought more, sure. but in the failure to attain, or acquire the larger friendships, companionship, i've narrowed down my vision. over the past 7 years i have had two strong friendships with young women online that i felt a strong enough connection with that i envisioned the possibility of being able to engage in more complex friendships, companionships with. okay, i'll say it, actually to the point of being able and desiring to live with these women. and in our conversations the topic was explored. in both cases, it was agreed that there was enough common interest in lifestyles and behaviorisms that we'd experience an improvement in our lives by living together.
there were circumstances in both friendships that prevented us from ever being able to create lives together and eventually the friendships fell into states of abandonment. i placed a lot of hope for the fulfillment of my soul's happiness on the expectation of being able to have one of these women enter my life and give me something, someone to devote my energies to, and to also be loved by. one of the friendships developed over a period of nearly 4 years, and i still have contact with this person, but all the intensity and openness of our original passion as friends has died out. strange, but now she is ready to move to California. timing really is critical in life. you build something up with someone and there is the period of blossoming when energies are passing back and forth, mingling between two entities and there is a sense of connection that makes your minds and heart work as one. i had that with this friend for a long time. it just was not the right time then... and now that has all died out after years of separation and searching elsewhere for companionship. momentum... it's a real force. and it takes a lot of concentration to build up. we had it. but then we lost our grip, lost our focus, lost our chances...
she came from a broken home too. i don't know how much credit to give that for saying it's to blame for her not being able to better help make things happen, but this is part of where the pattern becomes exposed. the second friend, just last year came from a broken home too. bad father figure in her life. they both had bad fathers. and now i'm attracted to someone else with a bad father. are these young women finding me? seeing something in me that they miss? need? i was not a great father, despite the fact that i raised a child that is a productive member in society. he has his scars, and i helped cause them but i never intentionally harmed my son. my damage to him was based on my inability to care properly for myself. and that is also to blame on the failure of my ability to maintain a healthy relationship with my son's mother. that all goes back to my problems with addiction... which leads back to me not having a healthy father/son relationship in my life... damn.
i don't understand all of the complexities of the issues in the current friend's life to make a fair judgement, partly because she is unable to communicate. to simply sit and talk about her issues, she cannot do it. i think part of the problem for me is that having attractions to young women, there is a time balance matter in play. the young, predominately think that they have the rest of their lives ahead of them to do things. that there will always be time later. they have an optimistic outlook for there being an open-ended flow of time available to themselves to do things. i on the other hand have crossed over a line where i now feel like time is running out. i think it started quite awhile ago when my body hurt more of the time than it felt good. it also started to seem that there is less time when it became more evident to me that there are certain things that i just cannot make happen in my life. i cannot attract the opposite sex anymore. last girlfriend? 1998. seriously folks, that means something. and there is the forever present threat that "life is short". death can strike at any moment. you've got to live while the living is good.
one good thing about this new attraction is that i found someone local. not someone that i have to get to move across the country to get to come visit me. but that's besides the point. nothing more is going to happen between this one and i. i haven't got the strength of spirit or heart to be stretched this far apart just to get someone to come out and have coffee. i've offered to do as many things as i can to help her, to make things easier for her, to trust me as someone new she can talk to but she won't... my heart, i have to take care of it. too many breaks before that even the slightest threat of calamity scares me to death. if i were being met along the way, it would be different. but she's no where to be seen.
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