THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i have not heard back from Meg yet, not via email at least. yesterday though, i got a strong influx of psychic energy from her that made me think that she completed the task. i had a feeling for a few days that she might just go for it, the adventurous and daring girl that she seems to be. i used to get signals like this a lot from all sorts of people. used to be a hallmark characteristic of mine, to be able to tune into people from a distance, people i used to know, people i wanted to know, people i wanted to work with in some way. it was an invisible and imaginative method that i created for myself to fight the woes of lonesomeness with. it was what i used to find my first wife. yes, truly. psychic connections with people is the best way to create deep and lasting interactions. i pulled my wife to me out of the ethers nearly 30 years ago and we are still involved (minimally now) in each others lives. what do i need to do now though to create connections out of the ethers? i need to s...

ok, one of you must be responsible for the things that are suddenly coming together and i want to know who it is NOW! no, i'm kidding. i don't believe that any individual is any more responsible for the synchronicity of events than saying that a divine force could be responsible... but still, something has shifted significant, symbolic and timely events into focus and i'm getting a little blown away by it. one thing that sort of started this whole ball rolling was meeting this guy in town named "Phil". he is a painter and there is an amazing portrait that another painter in town painted of him.; it's on the wall at this Starbutz on Love Lane in Danville and "Phil" likes to sit beneath it. i'm beginning to think of him as an unofficial mayor of this town as he knows everyone it seems and you can always seem to find him when you need to with little effort. anyway, the first day i met him we got onto the subject of "my novel" about Eugene ...

Disclaimer: I'm going to say some things in this post that reveal extremely personal and secret things about myself. Thus, it is being translated into a foreign language. I will include a link somewhere in this post to the literal translation. I will tell things truthfully, yet there is also a powerful element of fantasy being used. Ok, enough! I went out on Saturday with a female friend to attend a concert. I had won free tickets to a show at the Great American Music Hall, courtesy of the amazing Leah . The woman I decided to ask to go with me is someone that I have known since January from college. I can talk pretty openly with her and have wanted to go out to take photographs together with her for some time now. She had suggested that we go out together on Father's Day and uncelebrate the day, seeing that we both have "no fathers". I thought it was a great idea but I fell into an ugly funk that weekend and was just unable to celebrate, or not, in any way. So gettin...

non sûr ce que vous recevrez des nouvelles moi aujourd'hui. ou si vous pourrez le lire j'ai eu une réalisation hier qu'une partie de la raison pour laquelle obtenir je ne peux pas ce que je veux est que je le rends si évident que je suis dans le besoin. ainsi, peut-être est un changement d'attitude ce que je dois entreprendre. je laisse tellement de mon énergie sortir aux endroits inconnus à la recherche de de ce que j'ai besoin et c'est unmet. quand est-il senti par d'autres qu'il a ce dégoût indigent à lui ainsi à la baise qui, hein ? je n'ai besoin aucun ou n'importe quelle chose tout que j'ai est exacte ici chez moi je connais que ceci ne fonctionnera pas parce qu'une partie de ce qu'est ma logique est ceci. je passe tout mon seul temps déjà. je pourrais aussi bien m'amuser être par me, seul je ne vais pas obtenir d'avoir l'amusement avec d'autres en le désirant plus, quand je demande à d'autres pour avoir l...

i'm getting a bad memory and am feeling worse today. many bad memories, having faulty reasoning.  hopelessness is cropping up strongly. when i first went into therapy back in 1989, it was all the things, emotions, feelings, excuses, get dug up, stirred up. therapy is a shitty thing to put people through. what did people do to come to better understandings about their lives, their problems prior to Sigmund Freud and the science of psychoanalysis? They danced, they sang, they fucked, they fought... and today you find someone like me that lives in stifled frustration, that stays locked in his room and drowns in regrets and hurt and decides to give up on ever trying to love or have success again. i wish i had the balls to commit a crime. that way i could be taken before a court of law and be given the opportunity to make a confession.  i feel so guilty about how i've failed in life that i want say i'm sorry. i want to take the blame for crimes that others have...

i'm better today than i was yesterday. i am sorry for all that vile that poured out of my guts, especially if it spilled on any of your pretty frocks. i picked my mom up from her latest pet sitting job and we went out for lunch at our favorite restaurant (Bombay) in Walnut Creek. I got a perfect parking place in the shade just across the street, and just as i was turning the car off i felt my phone vibrating in my shirt pocket.  it was my son Billy phoning from Ireland to wish me a happy father's day. so those two things, hearing from Billy and eating a delicious Indian lunch jacked up my spirit pretty good. there is more detail i need to explain about what was so debilitating yesterday, and maybe i'll do it here, maybe i won't. another sign that i perked up even more was that i did in fact take my camera out with me today and shot two panographys. one is displayed on my Flickr account.  it's really atrocious and it doesn't rank in quality of w...

not good, no, no, sinking really... i used to have a blog called, um, jeeze, now i can't remember. something like, "I'm going down with this ship..." it had photos of sinking boats in the banner. i was really depressed back then, although the writing i did was more along the lines of a memoir; retelling stories of my life experiences. it was a "blogger blog" so it is still online somewhere. if i remember the name and can find it i'll provide a link. but today is not a good day. i actually had a suicidal ideation earlier this week. it was probably the really hot day we had because the vision that entered my imagination was of myself hanging from a tree in the backyard and i pictured the body not being found for several days and that crows would have eaten the eyes out... i also remember thinking that it would be a good way to go because the news of such an event, the discovery of a decayed and hanging body would be memorable in my oh so vanilla town. and ...