meh x 10
i'm not doing well. this should probably be a private posting, with the feelings i'm having, and the thoughts i'm considering sharing. but i don't care. if i write this privately and no one knows about it but me, how will any energy from the universe come to rescue me...
i am so starved for love and affection that it's close to killing me. my thoughts just about an hour ago were, "once i finish writing this novel, i'm done. gone. over with all of this." i will have created my legacy with my photography and i will have completed the one story that i've poured more heart and soul into than anything else i've done in this lifetime. i just don't have any strength or imagination left for what i could go on to do after this is finished. the misery of feeling like a reject from society and of not being loveable enough to attract someone to come close into my life, it just makes this all feel like i'm in solitary confinement in a prison in a very dry, and hot land. i have no community to interact w/where i live. i don't have a single friend in this city that i can meet for coffee or go out for walks with. i don't do anything well. you'll see, when the novel is finished, i bet one or two people will buy it when its available online, and beyond that, those who do obtain a copy, i bet none of them will read it till completion.
i'm starved for intimacy, affection and sex, i'm starved for a solid meal, i'm starved for feeling good inside my body again, i'm starved for life in a community where i would be recognized and treated like someone who is as interesting as i actually am. and i have no effective power to make any of these things happen. i am poor. i am skilless and unemployable. i am unattractive to the point of heartbreak. i am too weird, too isolated, too moody.
i'm just airing my heart and mind out right now. i need to document of how badly i'm feeling right now so when i look back on this when times are good/better, i'll remember where i've come from. (don't alert the authorities, i've been worse than this before and am still alive.)
i am so starved for love and affection that it's close to killing me. my thoughts just about an hour ago were, "once i finish writing this novel, i'm done. gone. over with all of this." i will have created my legacy with my photography and i will have completed the one story that i've poured more heart and soul into than anything else i've done in this lifetime. i just don't have any strength or imagination left for what i could go on to do after this is finished. the misery of feeling like a reject from society and of not being loveable enough to attract someone to come close into my life, it just makes this all feel like i'm in solitary confinement in a prison in a very dry, and hot land. i have no community to interact w/where i live. i don't have a single friend in this city that i can meet for coffee or go out for walks with. i don't do anything well. you'll see, when the novel is finished, i bet one or two people will buy it when its available online, and beyond that, those who do obtain a copy, i bet none of them will read it till completion.
i'm starved for intimacy, affection and sex, i'm starved for a solid meal, i'm starved for feeling good inside my body again, i'm starved for life in a community where i would be recognized and treated like someone who is as interesting as i actually am. and i have no effective power to make any of these things happen. i am poor. i am skilless and unemployable. i am unattractive to the point of heartbreak. i am too weird, too isolated, too moody.
i'm just airing my heart and mind out right now. i need to document of how badly i'm feeling right now so when i look back on this when times are good/better, i'll remember where i've come from. (don't alert the authorities, i've been worse than this before and am still alive.)
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