what would you do if you won...
so the old "lotto fever" has crept back into my noggin. i've had the feeling since i first became responsible for the lives of others back when i was a young man, got married and started a family. there was an imbalance of some sort in my karmic/financial balance in this lifetime that's made me be unable to ever have enough finances to take care of all of the things i need to take care of. i've never been "dirt poor", but i've never been out of debt either. and were an emergency to arise, a true, life altering emergency of any magnitude; well there's never been any source of income to fall back upon to take care of such situations. blah blah blah... blah blah blah, stfu, okay??
well, to balance out all of that poverty mentality and poverty reality, i started to have imaginations (or inspirations) about being blessed by god with a gift of magnanimous wealth. thing is, it never happened. ever. not then when i was young. not in my 30s or 40s either. and now here i am in my 50s and i still have a hankering feeling that it could happen. not that it's owed to me or that i deserve it because i've asked nicely, but it really does feel like it's in my bones, or in my spiritual dna, my destiny to experience this. i believe that i am not supposed to be poor my entire lifetime. i believe that i am supposed to achieve greatness in this lifetime, and in many ways, all along the pathway of my years, i have. i have overcome obstacles that have tried to overwhelm and destroy me by finding a core belief in myself that is greater and more powerful than the weaker forces around me that try to tear me down.
right now i am experiencing one such achievement; through the nurturing of a need and desire in my desolate heart i drew the best friend i've ever known to myself out of the mysts. whether this is the one person that i will spend the rest of my life with or not, i do not know yet. what is important is that she has willingly participated in this relationship with me and has proven to me that i am worth knowing.
so back to the matter of overcoming poverty. it's an ultimate matter for me. just as my new friendship is. i can't be satisfied with just half doses of a little bit of friendship here, or a little bit of a different sort of aspect of friendship coming from a different person over there. i need to be able to experience being consumed in a full experience with one being. likewise, it seems to be with money for me. i can't figure out how to manage getting money from a bunch of smaller options. the question is repeatedly posed to me about my photography. people say, "oh, your work is so good. why don't you sell it. or hire yourself out for weddings (etc)." and i adamantly reply that i am an artist, not a businessman. i need someone, a partner to do that aspect of my life for me. if i were to attempt to negotiate becoming a salesman i'd lose my focus on doing my art as intensely as i do. and it's not a matter of my not being willing to try. i'm just hardwired this way. i've tried. and cannot do it.
so i dream with big eyes of a big answer to my big problem of being under-wealthy all my lifetime. i need one fell swoop of income to fall upon me to wipe out all of my worries so i can just concentrate on doing the things that i do best. many of which i bet i have not even discovered yet, because i've been so limited in taking care of myself properly due to my poverty.
so what would i do if i won the lottery? what if i won $1,000,000. what would i do with that money. by today's standards that is not such a huge sum anymore, by the standards of richness in our society. still, at the rate of wealth i've lived at my entire life, it is more than i would have accumulated in 10, maybe even 100 of my lifetimes. i would do the standard things to take care of those closest to me. i would buy a new house in a new city for my mother to live in. somewhere near the sea. a house large enough for many people to be able to come and live in. not a brand new modern house. not in the best neighborhood of a rich city. probably Portland, Oregon we could get a place for $250,000. i'd buy my brother a car/truck; $25,000 - although i'd probably offer him $50-75,000 so that he could move away and be on his own. the most important thing i believe i had to do is give money away. out of $1,000,000 i would seriously consider giving half of it away. And i'd want to do it in creative ways. It would be easy to just plop down several $100,000 checks on some major worthy charities, but those big charities are too much like corporations and the money gets too absorbed into operating expenses. i'd like to find ways to help out smaller types of organizations, or even just individuals that are in need, or that have visions of doing something with their lives... like i did when i was in my 20s and wanted to start an organic farming project in Ireland. all i felt i needed was $30,000 to do that back then. what a miracle that would have been if someone just came along out of the blue and said, "here, go do it!"
for myself, i do not want to own a house. i do not want to feel secure. i would hire an accountant to set up a trust fund for myself to take care of the rest of the money. to only allow myself to have access to a certain amount of money a month. a little bit more money than i am used to regularly spending. i want to travel. i want to see so many places and live in so many rough neighborhoods and cheap apartments so that i can feel unburdened from caring about what i look like and having to please and fulfill the expectations of the neighbors. but i want to see Paris and walk her streets. not own a fancy car. not stay in a fancy hotel. i want to cook in my room. maybe if i end up liking the town after being there for a month i'll decide to upgrade and get a nicer flat with furniture i like so i could entertain guests. i want to be a true bohemian. if i get tired of Paris after 4 or 6 months, i can pack my two suitcases and head off for Berlin. or wherever. then after a year come back to Portland and crash with my mom and tell her all the stories of the places i got to see. or some such extravagant dreamy lifestyle. the point is, i do not want to act rich. i do not want to be rich. i just want to be able to do the normal things that i've dreamed of doing, more often, more easily. and i still want to be able to help people i meet along the way.
if i still end up blowing all of my $1,000,000 after 2, or 3, or 4 years, here's the kicker. i believe that if i figured out how to win it once, and if i shared the money, used the money responsibly, not locked it into a bank or spent all of it on myself, i'd be able to win more again.
getting back to my process of finding the winning numbers of upcoming lotto drawings, i know it's impossible (or practically impossible) to read the future in any scientific manner. what i do believe is possible is to work magic through intuition and combined effort of belief. my friend and i have been having unique experiences of combined intuitive effort to make things come together for ourselves. right now, our dream goal is to have enough money come to us to make a trip for a week to stay in Los Angeles together in October. our concentrations and meditations are at work to make this be. stay tuned to see what manifests.
well, to balance out all of that poverty mentality and poverty reality, i started to have imaginations (or inspirations) about being blessed by god with a gift of magnanimous wealth. thing is, it never happened. ever. not then when i was young. not in my 30s or 40s either. and now here i am in my 50s and i still have a hankering feeling that it could happen. not that it's owed to me or that i deserve it because i've asked nicely, but it really does feel like it's in my bones, or in my spiritual dna, my destiny to experience this. i believe that i am not supposed to be poor my entire lifetime. i believe that i am supposed to achieve greatness in this lifetime, and in many ways, all along the pathway of my years, i have. i have overcome obstacles that have tried to overwhelm and destroy me by finding a core belief in myself that is greater and more powerful than the weaker forces around me that try to tear me down.
right now i am experiencing one such achievement; through the nurturing of a need and desire in my desolate heart i drew the best friend i've ever known to myself out of the mysts. whether this is the one person that i will spend the rest of my life with or not, i do not know yet. what is important is that she has willingly participated in this relationship with me and has proven to me that i am worth knowing.
so back to the matter of overcoming poverty. it's an ultimate matter for me. just as my new friendship is. i can't be satisfied with just half doses of a little bit of friendship here, or a little bit of a different sort of aspect of friendship coming from a different person over there. i need to be able to experience being consumed in a full experience with one being. likewise, it seems to be with money for me. i can't figure out how to manage getting money from a bunch of smaller options. the question is repeatedly posed to me about my photography. people say, "oh, your work is so good. why don't you sell it. or hire yourself out for weddings (etc)." and i adamantly reply that i am an artist, not a businessman. i need someone, a partner to do that aspect of my life for me. if i were to attempt to negotiate becoming a salesman i'd lose my focus on doing my art as intensely as i do. and it's not a matter of my not being willing to try. i'm just hardwired this way. i've tried. and cannot do it.
so i dream with big eyes of a big answer to my big problem of being under-wealthy all my lifetime. i need one fell swoop of income to fall upon me to wipe out all of my worries so i can just concentrate on doing the things that i do best. many of which i bet i have not even discovered yet, because i've been so limited in taking care of myself properly due to my poverty.
so what would i do if i won the lottery? what if i won $1,000,000. what would i do with that money. by today's standards that is not such a huge sum anymore, by the standards of richness in our society. still, at the rate of wealth i've lived at my entire life, it is more than i would have accumulated in 10, maybe even 100 of my lifetimes. i would do the standard things to take care of those closest to me. i would buy a new house in a new city for my mother to live in. somewhere near the sea. a house large enough for many people to be able to come and live in. not a brand new modern house. not in the best neighborhood of a rich city. probably Portland, Oregon we could get a place for $250,000. i'd buy my brother a car/truck; $25,000 - although i'd probably offer him $50-75,000 so that he could move away and be on his own. the most important thing i believe i had to do is give money away. out of $1,000,000 i would seriously consider giving half of it away. And i'd want to do it in creative ways. It would be easy to just plop down several $100,000 checks on some major worthy charities, but those big charities are too much like corporations and the money gets too absorbed into operating expenses. i'd like to find ways to help out smaller types of organizations, or even just individuals that are in need, or that have visions of doing something with their lives... like i did when i was in my 20s and wanted to start an organic farming project in Ireland. all i felt i needed was $30,000 to do that back then. what a miracle that would have been if someone just came along out of the blue and said, "here, go do it!"
for myself, i do not want to own a house. i do not want to feel secure. i would hire an accountant to set up a trust fund for myself to take care of the rest of the money. to only allow myself to have access to a certain amount of money a month. a little bit more money than i am used to regularly spending. i want to travel. i want to see so many places and live in so many rough neighborhoods and cheap apartments so that i can feel unburdened from caring about what i look like and having to please and fulfill the expectations of the neighbors. but i want to see Paris and walk her streets. not own a fancy car. not stay in a fancy hotel. i want to cook in my room. maybe if i end up liking the town after being there for a month i'll decide to upgrade and get a nicer flat with furniture i like so i could entertain guests. i want to be a true bohemian. if i get tired of Paris after 4 or 6 months, i can pack my two suitcases and head off for Berlin. or wherever. then after a year come back to Portland and crash with my mom and tell her all the stories of the places i got to see. or some such extravagant dreamy lifestyle. the point is, i do not want to act rich. i do not want to be rich. i just want to be able to do the normal things that i've dreamed of doing, more often, more easily. and i still want to be able to help people i meet along the way.
if i still end up blowing all of my $1,000,000 after 2, or 3, or 4 years, here's the kicker. i believe that if i figured out how to win it once, and if i shared the money, used the money responsibly, not locked it into a bank or spent all of it on myself, i'd be able to win more again.
getting back to my process of finding the winning numbers of upcoming lotto drawings, i know it's impossible (or practically impossible) to read the future in any scientific manner. what i do believe is possible is to work magic through intuition and combined effort of belief. my friend and i have been having unique experiences of combined intuitive effort to make things come together for ourselves. right now, our dream goal is to have enough money come to us to make a trip for a week to stay in Los Angeles together in October. our concentrations and meditations are at work to make this be. stay tuned to see what manifests.
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