the truest love ever...
she's the love of my life, pure and simple. by that i mean she is the most ultimate match of my soul that iv'e ever come across yet and she fills up my life now. our lives are an enigma that neither of us can decipher the mystery of, and we love it. yet we are not boy and girl friend, we are not lovers. we are soul mates, of a sort. there are so many similarities that we share in our interests and in our life goals, but it goes deeper because we have become joined somehow inside, in a way that makes us aware of and concerned about the condition and needs of the other, more than anything or anyone else. i care more about her well being than my own.
anyway, i could go on and on about this, and perhaps will one day to more explicitly pinpoint what this unique elemental structure is because it's so strong and it's making life partners out of us, we both know it. not life partners that will be completed as physical lovers are, but life partners because of all the other ways we balance out and complement each other.
what i wanted to talk about more in this entry is what kinds of things we've been experiencing lately. i've been hypomanic for a number of months now; no depression whatsoever - thanks in large part to a change in my meds. and she has not been suffering from depression. she has short bouts of sadness but none of the debilitating depression that can knock her out for days and destroy her focus on things positive. so yes, right now we are both on hypomanic rides together and it's been joyous. we do a lot of things together, see each other a lot, talk a lot; i am no longer lonely/alone and i get to spend time with someone that i genuinely have heartfelt care for.
she mentioned something last night about a worry of being in a relationship with someone who also suffered from depression. that it would be a difficult thing to be affected by the charge of the energy of the mate if they were depressed while you (she) were depressed. in my own mind, i have thought about this potential dilemma and figured that there is a way to deal with such conundrums. regardless of the power of combined depression to overpower a loving couple, one member will be stronger and would eventually be the one who could rouse enough energy to stir both members to make efforts to rise out of their mire. individual depression is a unique and solitary experience that can only be solved by experiencing it through to it's own end and resolution. still, having a compatriot that knows you so well, but also understands the mechanics of depression could be a godsend rather than a stultifying curse.
contrarily, i think the problem of two manic minded members of a couple could be more dangerous. two minds running on adrenalin, chasing the flames and sparks of the excitement of a life for answers in experiences shared; the understandings that will come to the pair are multiplied by the ecstatic clarity of their mutual visions and mental interpretations. the danger though is making poorly formulated decisions based on risky thinking, and also from mental and physical exhaustion.
i'm starting to experience a bit of physical exhaustion from this latest stage of enthusiastic living i've been having with her. i'm also starting to think a bit radically about options for taking an adventure with her. we'd been hoping to have a bit of good fortune, winning some money to take a short trip to L.A. to celebrate Elliott Smith's life with other people that appreciate what he loved and suffered through to give us his music on October 21st. That is still 3 weeks away, but the methods we've been attempting to use, intuiting numbers for the lotto have not been successful as of yet. There were bright indicators early on that made us both feel like a divine purpose was at work, unfolding for us to make this journey, like a pilgrimage - and we dreamed up the most comfortable trip we could envision making. Flying to L.A., separate hotel rooms, individual rental cars so that we could both go to all the places we wanted to see on our own each day. oh yeah, and we wanted to stay for 10 days. but the numbers we've been intuiting have not been winning. we got our first winning ticket this week though for a whole $1. that was a breakthrough, but i played again tonight; two tickets that both felt inspired and both came up zero. i have to find some new way to decipher the intuitions i'm getting.
the point i'm degrading to though is that perhaps we will not be able to afford the extravagant trip. perhaps, we will need to take the budget journey. drive in one of our cars. only spend one night (or two) there and return the next day. i still have some remaining credit card values we could use to get a hotel room with and to pay for gas with but we'd have to use cash for food. the point is, that if we make this trip by the skin of our teeth on the means that we actually have, it'll help us focus our desire into obtaining greater riches for greater tasks ahead that we will desire to achieve together. and it will be more of an adventure truer to our real lives to go on our own means, it'll impress Elliott more for him to see us make the effort to do-or-die to get there to honor his life and death.
more points about this are that we are finding and learning the ways that we work together. how our energies mingle and cooperate. there is still time for a money miracle to occur, and we believe that more are on their way (not telling you why in this entry), but i think we need to struggle together in our poverty a little bit more and see that we are capable of doing something big that we want to achieve on little more than desire and will power and conviction of spirit.
in the wildness and beauty of our combined mania last night we both overcame the weakness of fatigue - we both had extremely long days, and at 1am decided to go to the cemetery to take some photographs. i had bought a new (thrift) dress for her to model for me a couple of days ago and she couldn't wait to wear it. we drove to my house from Denny's to get it. when we pulled up in front she said something i thought i'd never hear her ever say. she said she wanted to come inside. and of all the previous times i had asked her to come inside and she was not comfortable enough to, yet... i had been so disappointed. but this night, i did not have the house to myself and to bring a stranger inside at such an early hour would have just stirred up to many questions. i dissuaded her, to both of our discouragements. i got the dress and we started to drive away. she was so overtaken with excitement by the dress she made me stop the car less than a block from the house because she insisted that she had to try it on, immediately.
now i've been on photo shoots with my other models and have not looked, but am aware that they are able to do amazing acrobatics in the front seat of a car and change clothes in a matter of minutes. i thought she would do this and i was going to turn and look aside. she opened her door and stood on the sidewalk. we parked next to a hedge and there was no streetlight so if there was anyone outside, their view would have been diminished. she was wearing a short black dress already with black pantyhose on underneath and her traditional black bra. in a second the dress was off and she was the purest scene of uninhibitedness she's ever displayed before me. i remained calm and watched as she put the new dress on. zipped it up for her and gloried in the magnificence of it with her. they were splendid together.
well, i've already written so much here and wandered over a lot of territory. i'll talk about what happened over the rest of the early morning in my next entry.
anyway, i could go on and on about this, and perhaps will one day to more explicitly pinpoint what this unique elemental structure is because it's so strong and it's making life partners out of us, we both know it. not life partners that will be completed as physical lovers are, but life partners because of all the other ways we balance out and complement each other.
what i wanted to talk about more in this entry is what kinds of things we've been experiencing lately. i've been hypomanic for a number of months now; no depression whatsoever - thanks in large part to a change in my meds. and she has not been suffering from depression. she has short bouts of sadness but none of the debilitating depression that can knock her out for days and destroy her focus on things positive. so yes, right now we are both on hypomanic rides together and it's been joyous. we do a lot of things together, see each other a lot, talk a lot; i am no longer lonely/alone and i get to spend time with someone that i genuinely have heartfelt care for.
she mentioned something last night about a worry of being in a relationship with someone who also suffered from depression. that it would be a difficult thing to be affected by the charge of the energy of the mate if they were depressed while you (she) were depressed. in my own mind, i have thought about this potential dilemma and figured that there is a way to deal with such conundrums. regardless of the power of combined depression to overpower a loving couple, one member will be stronger and would eventually be the one who could rouse enough energy to stir both members to make efforts to rise out of their mire. individual depression is a unique and solitary experience that can only be solved by experiencing it through to it's own end and resolution. still, having a compatriot that knows you so well, but also understands the mechanics of depression could be a godsend rather than a stultifying curse.
contrarily, i think the problem of two manic minded members of a couple could be more dangerous. two minds running on adrenalin, chasing the flames and sparks of the excitement of a life for answers in experiences shared; the understandings that will come to the pair are multiplied by the ecstatic clarity of their mutual visions and mental interpretations. the danger though is making poorly formulated decisions based on risky thinking, and also from mental and physical exhaustion.
i'm starting to experience a bit of physical exhaustion from this latest stage of enthusiastic living i've been having with her. i'm also starting to think a bit radically about options for taking an adventure with her. we'd been hoping to have a bit of good fortune, winning some money to take a short trip to L.A. to celebrate Elliott Smith's life with other people that appreciate what he loved and suffered through to give us his music on October 21st. That is still 3 weeks away, but the methods we've been attempting to use, intuiting numbers for the lotto have not been successful as of yet. There were bright indicators early on that made us both feel like a divine purpose was at work, unfolding for us to make this journey, like a pilgrimage - and we dreamed up the most comfortable trip we could envision making. Flying to L.A., separate hotel rooms, individual rental cars so that we could both go to all the places we wanted to see on our own each day. oh yeah, and we wanted to stay for 10 days. but the numbers we've been intuiting have not been winning. we got our first winning ticket this week though for a whole $1. that was a breakthrough, but i played again tonight; two tickets that both felt inspired and both came up zero. i have to find some new way to decipher the intuitions i'm getting.
the point i'm degrading to though is that perhaps we will not be able to afford the extravagant trip. perhaps, we will need to take the budget journey. drive in one of our cars. only spend one night (or two) there and return the next day. i still have some remaining credit card values we could use to get a hotel room with and to pay for gas with but we'd have to use cash for food. the point is, that if we make this trip by the skin of our teeth on the means that we actually have, it'll help us focus our desire into obtaining greater riches for greater tasks ahead that we will desire to achieve together. and it will be more of an adventure truer to our real lives to go on our own means, it'll impress Elliott more for him to see us make the effort to do-or-die to get there to honor his life and death.
more points about this are that we are finding and learning the ways that we work together. how our energies mingle and cooperate. there is still time for a money miracle to occur, and we believe that more are on their way (not telling you why in this entry), but i think we need to struggle together in our poverty a little bit more and see that we are capable of doing something big that we want to achieve on little more than desire and will power and conviction of spirit.
in the wildness and beauty of our combined mania last night we both overcame the weakness of fatigue - we both had extremely long days, and at 1am decided to go to the cemetery to take some photographs. i had bought a new (thrift) dress for her to model for me a couple of days ago and she couldn't wait to wear it. we drove to my house from Denny's to get it. when we pulled up in front she said something i thought i'd never hear her ever say. she said she wanted to come inside. and of all the previous times i had asked her to come inside and she was not comfortable enough to, yet... i had been so disappointed. but this night, i did not have the house to myself and to bring a stranger inside at such an early hour would have just stirred up to many questions. i dissuaded her, to both of our discouragements. i got the dress and we started to drive away. she was so overtaken with excitement by the dress she made me stop the car less than a block from the house because she insisted that she had to try it on, immediately.
now i've been on photo shoots with my other models and have not looked, but am aware that they are able to do amazing acrobatics in the front seat of a car and change clothes in a matter of minutes. i thought she would do this and i was going to turn and look aside. she opened her door and stood on the sidewalk. we parked next to a hedge and there was no streetlight so if there was anyone outside, their view would have been diminished. she was wearing a short black dress already with black pantyhose on underneath and her traditional black bra. in a second the dress was off and she was the purest scene of uninhibitedness she's ever displayed before me. i remained calm and watched as she put the new dress on. zipped it up for her and gloried in the magnificence of it with her. they were splendid together.
well, i've already written so much here and wandered over a lot of territory. i'll talk about what happened over the rest of the early morning in my next entry.
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