this is not my miserable life. how did i get here?
i made a decision a few days ago to self regulate my medications. my pdoc failed to cooperate with me and allow me to try out using Straterra to see if it would assist me achieve power of concentration to achieve goals. Simple goals of completing academic style tasks, like reading books, paying attention through a film from beginning to end, coming up with ideas for writing projects and being able to sit down and write out an outline without drifting off into daydreams after just 10 minutes and then not being able to remember at all what my original ideas were. Simple kinds of tasks that a normal majority of human beings on this planet are able to do. Not all humans are perfect and not all can do these things at all times, but I used to be able to do them much more aptly than I have been able to over the past 4-6 months. Yes, even just 8 months ago I was in much better mental dexterous condition than I am now. Well, better than I was up until a couple of days ago. Before I wrestled control of my will power from my pdoc.
That's what it seems to come down to in the end. Who is in charge of what I allow happen to myself. That's the rule for all of us, isn't it? I didn't make a drastic change to my meds. I didn't stop taking all of them. I just cut back on one tablet of a two tablet a day dosage of Wellbutrin. "Why would he want to cut back on his antidepressant? Aren't those supposed to make you feel happier?", someone may ask. So say the pdocs, but when these things are in your blood you get an intrinsic sense of what they are really doing to you. I could tell that it is the thing that pushed me over the edge into over-mellowness, which effectively was the cooling off of my mental acuity. I don't want to be floating on a lake of placidity. I need some ripples and rough currents. and by god, i've gotten them back already.
I have an extremely good friend in my life right now. Someone that i can be extremely frank with but who I also admire beyond reproach. Last night we were conversing and I started to have a melt down about how i felt like my whole reason of understanding her desire for being friends with me were built upon false pretenses, that i was not a person worthy of her attentions or affections and that i was a liar and only wanted things from her to please myself. and that if she did not want to be hurt or disappointed by me in the future that it would be better if she just accept my admissions of disrepute and let me walk away. well, she let her true genuineness shine through and convinced me that her opinions of me were based on stronger and more pure interpretations of what she saw as valid and legitimate character strengths. i'm still in doubt and am going to spend the weekend delving into hellish self analysis and abusive accusations to punish myself but also...
That's what it seems to come down to in the end. Who is in charge of what I allow happen to myself. That's the rule for all of us, isn't it? I didn't make a drastic change to my meds. I didn't stop taking all of them. I just cut back on one tablet of a two tablet a day dosage of Wellbutrin. "Why would he want to cut back on his antidepressant? Aren't those supposed to make you feel happier?", someone may ask. So say the pdocs, but when these things are in your blood you get an intrinsic sense of what they are really doing to you. I could tell that it is the thing that pushed me over the edge into over-mellowness, which effectively was the cooling off of my mental acuity. I don't want to be floating on a lake of placidity. I need some ripples and rough currents. and by god, i've gotten them back already.
I have an extremely good friend in my life right now. Someone that i can be extremely frank with but who I also admire beyond reproach. Last night we were conversing and I started to have a melt down about how i felt like my whole reason of understanding her desire for being friends with me were built upon false pretenses, that i was not a person worthy of her attentions or affections and that i was a liar and only wanted things from her to please myself. and that if she did not want to be hurt or disappointed by me in the future that it would be better if she just accept my admissions of disrepute and let me walk away. well, she let her true genuineness shine through and convinced me that her opinions of me were based on stronger and more pure interpretations of what she saw as valid and legitimate character strengths. i'm still in doubt and am going to spend the weekend delving into hellish self analysis and abusive accusations to punish myself but also...
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