no one will understand this. but her.

i’m trying to be mean. i’m trying to be obstinate. i’m trying to be opposite things of my nature, for a change, thinking with rotten logic that if maybe i act the right bastard and be a “bad boy”, maybe she’ll come running to me the way i always run to her, because she’s my maiden in distress and my princess...  and my nature is to always want to serve and please her. and i’m further sickened with myself than i was yesterday when it was just realizations about how false and conniving my tactics at achieving her friendship were.

when i cast myself off into my dungeon of solitude yesterday, so that i could try this tactic of illogically displaying my worthlessness, but furthermore showing her that she has all she needs in the other people of her life... that i am nothing but a stone around her neck that will drag her to the bottom of the sea. she has a man that gives her emotional comfort and satisfies her sexual needs. she has reacquired the attention of her dream-soul mate. she has a man that she can play flirtatious games with (for whatever purpose that is important to her). she has gotten on path with her dream career and has enough support from her mother, boyfriend, and best friend to progress towards that. and i broke in with a selfish agenda, full of selfish demands and desires, wanting her to do things for me in exchange for things i would do for her. but she is too busy with all of the other people in her life, plus she is not interested in doing the things i want and need her to do for me, not with any desire to do them to please me.

so it comes down to failure on many levels. the way i forced my way into her life was disingenuous. the secretive ways that i hoped she’d repay my favors... you can’t make someone have feelings that they just do not, or cannot have. and if you say that you’ll wait, you are only fooling yourself. (and by “feelings” i’m not talking about love or anything like that. i’m just talking about having a genuine desire of wanting to make me happy in return for how she says i’ve supposedly made her happy, by wanting to model for me. i want her to call me up and say, “i’m feeling so pretty today, oh won’t you come and take pictures of me today? please?!!”) i thought with all the heartfelt flattery i’ve given her that she’d understand how much i treasure the spirit she transmits to me when she prims and plays before me when i create art of her... how it takes me to another world, a place in spirit where i float off the earth...  and it does go deeper and higher than this. they are not just images frozen in time. they are energy portals that connect me to her. i do believe we are soul mates of a peculiar nature, that we have known each other in other times... and that we have power together here, now... seeing her, being near her... it empowers me.

other models give me temporary experiences of this but this one, this special one has given me moments of divine grace when she has bared her soul in the light before me and it makes my moments of capturing her image similar to ecstatic religious experiences. i’ve hungered for what seems like an aeon now to have just one subject that i can obsess completely over, to see as if there were no other woman in the world...  and this one, this petite blue eyed brunette that whispers poetry to me when she smiles at me is the closest i’ve ever come to enchanting... but she doesn’t understand this hunger, this passion, this all consuming flame of desire inside this artist’s fiery soul to be surrounded and blinded by nothing in the world but the vision of just her.

and i feel dead because i’ve had to tell her all the truths now of what i’ve done to get her to let me come close to her. it hasn’t all been a lie. i DO like her as a person, extremely much. i like her as a person extremely much much much more than anyone i’ve been given the divine pleasure of getting to know this closely in over a decade. in the history of my life there are components of our friendship that make her one of the most unique and happiness fulfilling people i’ve ever had a chance with.

but i feel that right now, i am doing what i always  always always do............. i admit that i’m a fuckup and that i’m not worthy of her/their time or devotion or friendship...  and i say if it weren’t for the things i can do for you, you wouldn’t keep me around, would you.  i can’t stand being your friend if i can’t tell you the truths of what i think and believe and feel. i’m sorry. i’d rather walk away now and forget everything than ever cause you a moments more sadness because i expect too much or demand too much from you, or ask you to do things that you do not want to do, or guilt you... i can’t stand making anyone uncomfortable. this is why i loner the world.

do you understand? you want me to go now, yes. right?  i know.  everyone else always ever did. i never gave anyone this much of a confession bef9rel

everything is sooo fucking black again now. it feel slike home.. like hell

rants, tangents,,,,, my brain has a whole in it. so does my heart... i just want to walk the earth until my feet bleed and i can finish this long day-life.  i’m so tired of being alone and misunderstood.