rough patch, black ice, foggy dew bank…

i hope that what i’m feeling the past couple of days is in fact just due to what i suspect is going off my meds. long story, short story, i lost a bottle of one of my psych meds. i don’t know how or where. end of story is that it’s lost and i have not had any welbutrin for a week now. and now i’m experiencing confusion, lack of focus in being able to carry out tasks to completion but i am also experiencing some really great bursts of insight and inspiration. created some disturbing art over the past few days, which i like the fact that i’m brave enough to do it, but i’m worried because i have some other long term matters that i’m not processing very well.

one thing is that the college classes i signed up for begin, well, rather soon. not sure exactly when. the 22nd? or 20th? i can’t miss the first day because if i do i’ll be automatically dropped. thing is, if first day of class is one in which i feel like i felt this morning, there is no way i would even have made it to the college. slept like a corpse last night and now it’s almost 4:30pm and i still do not feel totally awake. also, i have requested permission to do a concert photo shoot on the night of January 19th in San Francisco. asked the performer (Zoe Keating) and my music zine (Ground Control Magazine) and they both want me there. how i will do that and go to a 10am class the next morning? maybe if i drive from the concert to DVC and park in the lot overnight i’ll have a better chance of getting to class on time.

my cemetery girl project is in a weird stage of pause right now. i had a lot of ambition and desire to photograph someone, anyone during the month of December and no one came forth. this really felt defeating to me. i’m tiring of the song and dance of luring and enticing models to work with me. the last good experience i had with a model was the one that i paid for her time(Mairead). and now the only sure model that i have on my calendar is another that i am going to pay, in February. both are women that model nude. i don’t mind this. in fact, i rather enjoy it. i enjoy the attitude of the women because they act more professionally than amateur and inexperienced models that i have to, i dunno, it’s almost like a courting ritual… i didn’t mind that in the beginning, but my beginning is kind of over. i’ve been doing this for 3 years now.

and i like to work quickly, when i feel like it and when i’m ready. Mairead, we made contact and then did our shoot a week later. I have one model that I’ve been courting for two years now and she still won’t commit to a date to shoot with me. i’m too old and impatient to deal with all this adolescent “i want to be in your project but i’m too shy, or maybe i won’t be good enough…”  another good example of someone that came forth and delivered instantly was Bronwen. and she had no experience modeling. she didn’t even know me. she was a friend of Bunny’s and i just took a chance and wrote to her on FB. we did her shoot within 3 or 4 days of that first message, and she was amazing!

and now here is another predicament. i’ve sort of worked myself into a corner with one of the only clients i’ve ever had that are willing to pay ME for my work. a local rock $100. it seemed like a fair price seeing that i was still a beginning photographer and had never charged anyone for my services before. i wanted to seem like a good deal so that i could attract more paying clients. well, i’ve done two sets of promo shoots for them, and a set for two of their friends bands, all for just $100 each. and now they want me to shoot new photos of them; third time for just $100. i don’t care doing it for $100. in the spirit of being an artist i don’t care doing it for $100. in fact, because of my living situation and my downtrodden attitude towards this ever being a profession for me, i’d do it for free just for the sake of having something to do. my living situation meaning that making $100 might as well mean making $10. it all goes into paying off bills and there won’t be another gig until this very same band asks me to shoot them again next year.

i’d like to feel confident enough to tell them that i want $200 for this shoot because then i’d have the amount of money that my next model, Keira Grant normally charges for a two hour session. As it is, I have been able to negotiate with her for a two hour session at $150. This woman travels the world on the money she makes from modeling and fully deserves every penny that I can give her. As you can see from her work, she will be one of the most amazing models that I’ve ever had the opportunity to work with. We’ve been planning this shoot since October. Right now I have $50 saved up for her, plus the $100 from this new band shoot… but you see? it comes out nil for me except that i get to spend more time doing what i love to do, and the few people that know that i make art in the world get to see some new stuff.

ok, since i’m in hyper-talk mode right now i’ll throw some more stuff out there. my son is in Minnesota right now and on Friday night he is going to officially propose marriage to his girlfriend. i think it’s pretty set in stone that they have been talking about getting married for some time now, but it’s just that she did not know when he was going to pop the question. it also sounds like the wedding will be in April in Puerto Rico. i’m pretty sure that i’m going to be invited but where on earth i will come up with money to get there, god only knows.

this thing about going to college, to take a poetry writing class, a short story writing class, and a screen writing class, this really could be throwing a big monkey wrench into my machine. i mean, in some ways nothing is broken so i should not be messing around with trying to fix something, right?  there are some problems with my writing skills and that is why i think being around other ambitious writers is a good idea. the one thing that i fear the most about being in classes with other people though is getting involved with other people. right now i live in a safe world. i don’t know anyone so no one has opportunity to mess with me. sitting in a room with people, hearing their voices, seeing them move, becoming interested in their lives… big can of worms, Popeye. may be better for this sailor to not go on land.

sigh