crazyman in the foxhole, beware his grenade!

now would be a good time to scream. i wish i was a screamer because today i would scream. i feel like breaking glass too. yes, that would definitely feel good. i signed off of facebook yesterday, yet again. it’s doing that soul-sucking thing again. this time i didn’t even say goodbye. just clicked off the lights. it was an impulse decision and maybe i’ll sign back on in a few days and find that no one at all even noticed that i had left. THAT would be genius. that would be the exact result i desire in this experiment of my life. but really, a shift is occurring and it feels major. photography is really taking a major reroute right now. i’m extremely agitated by the fickleness of models and can’t stand anyone that won’t jump johnny-on-the-spot and do a shoot right now when i’m feeling like it. i don’t know. maybe i’m having a man-period or something. the last successful model shoot i had was Mairead in November. i begged God for a model in December but not a single one appeared under my Festivus Pole. that broke my spirit badly and now i’m Mr. Curmudgeon. two girls appeared this week from ModelMayhem that teased that they could shoot right away but two days with no return emails/phone calls and i called it quits.

so where i think i’m going is into the literary foci for awhile. it really is what i’ve been talking about for months and months now, that i want to write more and more. and that i was going to sign up for writing classes at the junior college. and i have. classes start on Monday. i’m just going through all sorts of conniption fits about if i CAN do it. whining is really what i’m doing. i think if i can just forget about my worries enough to be able to get to the first day of classes, that will be enough to convince me that it’s the right thing to be doing right now. i’m having all sorts of mental health worries about i should not go. enough arguments that i could easily accept as valid and believe and fearfully obey. and end up staying home going deeper into isolation. if i can’t even negotiate photo shoots with models right now, what will become of me? other than going to the college, there is nothing else healthy on the horizon.

it is still pretty much the middle of winter, despite the fact that the temperatures are in the 60’s and the sun shines everyday and the hills are a’blossom. but the soul darkness of winter is weighing heavily upon me. that is the only explanation i have for how anti-social i have become right now. i don’t know if i will ever understand the mechanics of how it is that i socialize the ways that i do. and in doing that i don’t do. people look at me and think, “oh he wants to be alone. don’t disturb him. when he’s ready to talk to us, he’ll come out of his cave/the desert/off the mountain top and say something.”

i went through a serious experience of the desolation of friendship just this past month. two events occurred in just a month’s period of time that should have made one of my old friends feel like having a conversation with me. it would take about 4 pages of writing for me to tell the whole story, and maybe i will write it and post it somewhere so that i can at least get it out of my head and feel some healing and separation from it. it’s too much to insert here. but i’ll tell you, this failure to communicate, on this other party’s part, to me, is a great disappointment, not only in this “friend” but also in the quality of essence of human caring. oh, and by the way, i did reach out. i did try to communicate. but was not received. stupid me for being cryptic here. sorry.

another serious experience of the desolation of friendship is occurring this very week. and again, i can’t spell it out here in any abbreviated fashion. i have to tell the whole story. well, one of the classes i’m enrolled in at the jc is a short story class. not a ss writing class but a literature class where i will be required to read and discuss quality short stories of successful writers. what i am hoping is that this will teach me some things about the art of short story writing and bring a visitation of the spirit upon me so that i can learn a way to channel these amazing stories of my life that are tornado-ing in my heart into a concise literary form that will deliver my soul, but also work to entertain readers.

so if anybody reads this, and feels an ounce of caring, just send me some thought energy to help me feel strong enough and courageous enough to make it to my first class on Monday. it starts at 12:30 and is a script writing class. the poetry writing class and short story class meet on the next day. if i were a drinking man, i’d love to get into a lonely and miserable drunk tonight. i think i’ll probably go and start one of these stories now though. i won’t post them here. i do have a site for my writing but i’ve been hesitant to put things there because my really vital writing is so revealing. it’s crap first draft writing too. for instance, my nanowrimo novel from November is there. if anyone wanted to read it, i’d consider giving you the link.

one last thing. my son announced his engagement to his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. it’s going to be on April 9th in San Juan, Puerto Rico.  I’m expected to be there but everyone knows that I do not work and that I have no surplus funds to pay for the trip. So now guilt and fear is mounting about this. it’s a prime opportunity for me to become the even blacker sheep of the family and go deeper into hiding.

and i did do something good this month. a photo shoot. for hire. a band shoot. and i asked them for more money than i usually charged them before. they asked me if i was available and one week later we did the shoot. one week after that i was finished with editing their photographs. one of the quickest turn arounds i’ve ever done. and some of the most amazing photographs i’ve ever taken. pity no one gets to see them as they are strictly for the private usage of the band members for their advertisement purposes.

oh, one more last thing. i met a guy on ModelMayhem, a local photographer whose portrait style is somewhat similar to my own. he said that i need to get my work into an art show. and he found one that goes up early next month. i submitted some samples of my work and they wrote back saying that i’m under consideration. fingers are crossed. i really want to be in this show.