old tired men….

i had bigger ambitions for today than i was able to embody. it’s my dad’s birthday and i had a wild imagination that it would be great to have been able to visit his grave this year. after all, i was just in the midwest and was less than 1,000 miles away from the land of where he lived as a boy and where his remains now lay in the earth. but it was yet another act of power in this lifetime that i was unable to enact. i do the things i am supposed to do, not the things i want to do. i would have much rather spent the last 10 days in Springfield, Ohio than in the suburbs of Chicago. but my mother and i were enabled to take that trip because we were employed. it was not a trip that we made with our own monies. it is rare when i get to travel to places that i desire to visit for reasons of my own. travel is a luxury of the rich.

so today, knowing that i would be home, i did have other ideas of things to do to acknowledge my father’s life, especially after the publication of my book earlier this year. but i am tired. exhausted really. i’ve overdone things, as i tend to do and i just don’t have any power of concentration or body to do anything special for dad. not to even go to the store and buy some cake.

parte del problema è l'energia in questo luogo. a causa della gelosia e stagnante, l'energia arrabbiato tra il mio fratello e me. si siede in silenzio stufare in segreto l'invio di onde invisibili di energia negativa che mi fanno male. Io non sono libero di muoversi o parlare per paura di rompere il gelo dallo shock di vera espressione. Mi piacerebbe lanciare un tale partito giubilo per il mio papà, e se ho la libertà da questa prigione della rivalità fraterna, lo farò. io gridare e ballare e una celebrazione rauco del fatto che mio padre ha vissuto, amato mia madre, e mi ha dato la vita. per quelle cose che mi sono grato.

today is Clive Barker’s birthday too, and i wanted to do some artistic things to acknowledge his birth; simple things, just take some photographs of my collection of his books, down in the cemetery. it would have been fun to send him some prints. but i’m tooo tired from Chicago. been sleeping a lot. trying to get as many photos edited of my newest models done as i can so that they don’t think all their work was for naught.

other, large projects lie on the near horizon. nanowrimo is just 26 days away. and i already know what i am going to write. i still want to cultivate myself for the month of intense dedication to the task of pouring out the 1,660 words a day though. in regards to both the physical task and the mental task. i need to get quite a bit of other work, photo editing especially, finished before November 1st. and there is actually a whole other sub-project that i have as an ambition to complete within the next 20-25 days or so and that is to write a short story to accompany the photographs i recently took of Candace/Wenchi and publish it as a blurb book. this is actually quite a sizeable task to take on and i am really rushing into it, but i think this is a good way to do it. spontaneously. i know what the story is. i can write it with sparks of inspiration from “the muse” and the photos to include are plentiful and easy edits. i know how to use blurb’s editing software relatively well. i think i can do it. i want to do it. it will be a really good thing if i can pull this off, so wish me well!

another thing i have to make some decisions about, quickly, are whether i really do want to go to the junior college in January. i have to enroll this month, or else i will miss my chance to get into any classes. i just don’t know if it is something that will empower me and my work, or derail me. i’ll talk more about this later.

anyway, i feel better after talking to you. so thanks for listening. i may still go out tonight and get a slice of cake at Safeway. and maybe i’ll get a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon to drink with it. dad’s favorite beer was Falstaff but they don’t make that stuff anymore. ooh, and i am in conversations with a couple of artist ladies online. one is one of my longest term net-crushes ever, Kristamas Klousch. she just announced that she is creating a ModelMayhem account and is going to start modeling for other photographers. she lives in Canada but i would do anything to be able to go meet and work with her. years ago, she and i used to write to each other a lot on the net, then don’t tell her, but i got a little bored with her work and stopped following her for awhile. then she showed up on facebook and became a lot more multi-dimensional, and more interesting. so i started to pay more attention to her again. her artistic style is extremely unique, but in my opinion, a bit static. it just hasn’t evolved much. anyway, she is highly revered in the alternative-gothic-art-style world, and she mainly does self portraits so that she is coming out into the world and going to work with others is really quite fantastic! the other thing that connects she and i is that we are both bipolar.

the other femme i am conversing with, well, it has not even begun yet but she is a photographer in Berkeley, my age, european. found her, or well, she found me on okcupid. she first wrote to me about 2 months ago. a note of observation rather than an inquiry. and i responded plainly, despite the fact that i found her profile and her portraits fascinating. and she has a great nickname. STONE. i’m going to write her a longish letter tonight.