foggy summer, oh it’s autumn…

could have fooled me. it’s hot out. not totally unheard of for mid-late October in California. it’s just that it’s when you hope for it to start to show more sings of change. we had rain last month! and now we are getting this last bake in. and no, it is not foggy outside. not even foggy at the coast side. the fog is in my head, and i don’t like it. it’s not a fog of confusion about what i want to be doing. i know WHAT things i should be busy doing, it is just a matter of making actual decisions throughout each day to do them. ideas come and flitter away before i can even make serious notation about them. the important ideas keep coming back, which is good, but to still be plagued by these feelings of inability to focus my concentration and enact a plan to fulfill what are basically stepping stones of projects is starting to depress me.

i don’t blame it on the heat because it’s not THAT hot out. its just toasty and there is even a slight breeze today. no, there is something else that’s got me derailed and i just can’t exactly pinpoint it. my strongest suspicion is that it is medication related. my meds have not changed, well, no new meds at least. there was an increase recently in the amount of Topamax that i take because my pdoc does not even think that it qualifies as an FDA accepted treatment for bipolar disorder. and see, this is another area that just opens up cans of worms. whenever i start to tell her more about how i’m feeling she starts to have the normal psychiatrist reaction; “you need more meds”.

i was fine on the increase of Topamax for a couple of weeks but then it eventually built up in my system and started to make me feel sludgy; physically, mentally and emotionally. and that is when i start to get bothered. i remember the year (was it 2008?) when i went med-free for a full year. and when i felt GREAT. so i saw her again yesterday. i almost didn’t go in. she called me in for a quick appointment because i was threatening, hypothetically at least, to stop taking all of my meds again. they hate that. so we ended up just swapping pills. one less Topamax a day and 50mg more Welbutrin a day. lovely.

the other thing that i started to think about today amidst all the recent discussion of Proposition 19 is whether smoking medicinal marijuana might be of benefit to me. they say it helps people sleep. that means i could get off of the Ambien. i think it is also supposed to ease or suppress pain. if that worked for reducing my back pain i would not need to leech my mom’s Vicadin anymore. i just don’t know if i can handle smoking pot. i don’t want to become a stoner and i really just want to be able to become more clear minded and able to concentrate better.

if Proposition 19 passed, which i seriously doubt it will, people will be able to cultivate their own marijuana at home. seriously, closet pot smokers would seriously come out of the closet in this state. and i don’t know how difficult it would be for me to legitimately get doctors approval for a prescription for medicinal marijuana. i know my pdoc won’t/can’t do it but the pain specialist i see may do it. and who knows, maybe even my gp would do it. what is better? a dependence on marijuana for my conditions or these pills?

other things… oh yeah, work. my projects. in such disarray right now. i just cannot get focused and create a serious plan and follow through. i had high hopes of creating a new book this month. a Cemetery Girl story book. i’ve got incentive, i’ve got an idea, i’ve got the perfect set of photographs to use for it but i just can’t get myself to clear the table and sit down and do it. i keep fussing around with unimportant side projects, like all these video music slide shows that i’ve been making. putting off the important work and playing with fluff. i think part of the problem is that i am afraid of doing this book wrong. i don’t want to rush into it and do it haphazardly or half heartedly. i want it to be really good. it’s just another aspect of the difficulty of having to work alone on my art. i don’t really have anyone that i can sit next to and bounce ideas off of.

and i know so little about professional quality design rules. all i do i figure out by myself. i mean, it’s not that difficult because there is so much information and tutorials on the web. still, the experience of what you learn from sitting in a classroom with a knowledgeable professor and other interesting and motivated students is invaluable and i hunger for it. speaking of classrooms, i did go to the DVC campus yesterday and inquired about what i need to do to register to take classes in January. it’s pretty simple. just register as a new student online and then wait for my notification about early registration and be johnny on the spot about trying to get into the exact classes i want to take.

right now the classes i’m stuck on thinking of taking are beginning filmmaking and beginning screenwriting. how they relate to my writing and my photography and whether they’ll genuinely help me learn anything new or worthwhile, who knows. in fact, i think i may be way off base in taking those classes and not taking a Photoshop and a creative writing class instead. I still have time to deliberate because actual enrollment does not occur until November.

so on Friday i’m hoping to make a private visit to Julia Morgan’s burial place at Mountain View Cemetery in Oakland. she is the motivation/inspiration for this new Cemetery Girl book that i want to make and i am thinking that if i take her some flowers and light a candle or two for her (and have a little chat with her) that maybe i’ll be able to kick start my motivation/inspiration up to a higher gear. whether i’ll actually make it or not is another thing entirely. just been feeling so weak and tired lately. taking naps during the day, watching a lot of tv. we’ll see what happens.