one day closer to my dad…

i just started to realize over the past few days that i’m closer to living the life of my father, well, in this case my step-father. my step-father had one friend. a guy that he worked with for 20+ years but as far as i know they didn’t have any other friends than just each other. the thing that scares me is that they were not close friends. they were just longevity friends. i remember hearing their conversations. never spoke about anything but work, football, and telling bad jokes.

what i have started to notice with my male friends, the few that i have left, is that my ability to have open and deep conversations with them is starting to diminish. and it’s been rapid in just the past month. one of my oldest and best friends, i have stopped talking to altogether and really think there will be no recovery. i have been the only member of that friendship that even tried to keep communication open and now i am just tired of the cold shoulder. i’m done.

my other closest, old-friend is really taking on the “Andy Szanto” role, my step-father’s best friend. i’m not sure why or how, but in just the past month our conversations have fallen into very shallow territory. no one knows or cares to explore my issues. no one asks what my plans are or how i’m doing. i don’t volunteer information anymore though either, so maybe it’s my fault too. this is the ticket though to the truth of this reality. i am used to not having anyone to tell things to.

and this is how my father’s life was. i don’t remember him having any friends that he hung out with. sure, i only knew him 11 years but in that time he did not have other men (or women) that he spent time with. he was not a complex thinker so conversation was not important to him.

anyway, i don’t know what this is a sign of, of who the death of friendship is dying in the most. it must have died in me a long time ago because i am unable to meet new people to make friends with. i don’t have the power to attract people or appear interesting to them if i do. yes, i think that i am the sole core of the friendship death seed in this group but it’s weird because i feel like i am the one that has been the most ingenious about trying to keep our friendships alive and young feeling.

easier for me to be the one to give up though because i have been the lone pioneer. the lone ranger. i know the way of the lone path. and they will one day need to be here in the place of the alone. yes, that is what this seems to be about. that like my father’s who went friendless and died young (i’m nigh approaching the death age of my step-father, he died when he was 55, just three short years away from my age now.