"happiness only real when shared..."
i watched a movie last night that really had some disturbing affects on me. i'm getting too old and sedate in my stogy ways to be slapped on the upside of the head by meanings of truth (exposed in film and literature) and care enough anymore to take suggestions to change to heart. years ago i would have watched this film and would have found courage and inspiration to take the good messages from the film and use them to bolster up my opinion of myself. the message i received last night went the other direction and made me more aware of my separateness from the world of people.
the movie was "into the wild". really a bit of genius film making and an incredible biographical tale of one of the bravest lives i've ever heard of being lived in recent years. i don't follow current movies anymore so i had never heard much about this except that someone did recommend it to me a while ago. the title stuck in my head i guess. something i would have benefited from watching in my 20's or even my 30's, when i still could have broke free from the ties that bind me. but now i see myself as the old man in the film. and as the heartbroken father left alone at home. thankfully my son has not disowned me and i know where he is and that he is well.
i don't think i'll be able to comfortably watch this film again. although that is the point isn't it. its not supposed to be a comfortable watch.
so he says two things that are almost a contradiction. "You don't need human relationships to be happy, God has placed it all around us." i think he says this when he is trying to find his strength as an individual, as a philosophy to bolster his ability to break away from his family. but then later in the film, just shortly before his untimely death he says, "happiness only real when shared..." he was a spiritual man but i don't think he systematically pursued truth. i think this truth he states near the end of his life was surprising to him. he clearly did not hate people because the few people he got close to genuinely admired and cared for him. and he loved them back. maybe when he got that realization he had gotten beyond the need for happiness.
when i used to worship shiva, i used to believe that a constant state of bliss was experience-able. that no matter where you were, or what you perceived the world to be (good or bad), an energy of peace, satisfaction, and well being could permeate your awareness. what i would pay to be able to manifest that state of mind again. and huh, maybe that is why they do actually charge you to take intensives at the ashram, because you have to exhibit that you genuinely want to receive shaktipat.
if i could go back 10 years and change the actions of one day, knowing that i could have a better experience in the world today as a result, what day, and what deeds would i change... something to contemplate. it was actually 10 years ago this coming October when i left Santa Cruz and descended into this pathway of mental illness (accepting that i was mentally ill and needed professional treatment).
well, i didn't expect to go that deep into those thoughts from that movie. i do have something else to talk about. right now, as i sit here writing this to you, i could be, should be somewhere else. i should be in San Francisco at The Warfield Theater, in the freaking photo pit for a concert shoot. yeah, i got a photo pass to shoot the Les Claypool concert tonight. but i bailed.
i've been really out of sorts for the past two months because the freaking psychiatrist that i see now could not believe that i was well from using zero medications. she kept fidgeting with me, saying "oh, won't you take just a little bit of Abilify, or a little bit of Seroquel, or a little bit of Lamictal. a minimum dose can't hurt, right?" WRONG! i tried all three of those meds for her at minimum doses. two weeks on each of the three and they screwed everything up for me. the only problem that i described to her was that i was not getting enough sleep and that i had trouble concentrating.
the Seroquel worked at helping me sleep through the night and it increased my ability to concentrate, but it also made me WANT to sleep during the day. well, that led me straight into a depression. it softened my focus on my projects. yeah, it sucked. i just wanted to sleep and dream. i'm not going to go into detail about it all except to say that i feel like i have lost the edge on my life. it is going to take some time too to redevelop my sharp edge, but hopefully not too long. i do have more concerts scheduled to cover and more model photo shoots scheduled. i have got to get out of this sludgy malaise though, quick.
part of why i decided to not go to this concert tonight is because i had to sign a waiver stating that the photographs i shot would only be displayed at Ground Control Magazine. i could not display them on my own website. well, that really sucks. because i put a lot of energy into doing a shoot. i shoot between 500 and 800 exposures when i go to a concert. then i spend 5-10+ hours editing the photos so that the best shots are works of art. then to only have 15-20 of my shots from the night displayed on the internet? not worth the time or effort. and these bands tonight i don't even really like. i mean, if the magazine were paying me to do it i would do it. as it is it is totally me spending my money (gas and bridge toll) and all my personal time and energy for the shooting and editing. not a fair exchange. i almost said i'd do it for the benefit of the experience but no, i'm not healthy enough physically. i'm starting to feel like every shoot (concert or model) i do now could be my last.
hell, i feel like every day i live now could be my last.
oh, so... the good news is that i sold one of my photographs to a magazine. it is a shot of Adrian Belew from the concert in February at Slim's. Guitar Player Magazine contacted me via email and said that they found the photo in my Flickr account. they want to do a full page spread of it in their June edition. giving me $200. i was also contacted by Bass Player Magazine. they found two of my photos that they want to use; offering me $130. i'll believe it when i go to the bank with their checks.
in closing, i'm lonely tonight. lonely every day/night... haven't had a good, long talk with anyone in a long time. wish i could turn everything off and concentrate well enough to crawl into a good book. too many voices in my head... to many images in my eyes... a sleeping pill sounds like a good choice.
the movie was "into the wild". really a bit of genius film making and an incredible biographical tale of one of the bravest lives i've ever heard of being lived in recent years. i don't follow current movies anymore so i had never heard much about this except that someone did recommend it to me a while ago. the title stuck in my head i guess. something i would have benefited from watching in my 20's or even my 30's, when i still could have broke free from the ties that bind me. but now i see myself as the old man in the film. and as the heartbroken father left alone at home. thankfully my son has not disowned me and i know where he is and that he is well.
i don't think i'll be able to comfortably watch this film again. although that is the point isn't it. its not supposed to be a comfortable watch.
so he says two things that are almost a contradiction. "You don't need human relationships to be happy, God has placed it all around us." i think he says this when he is trying to find his strength as an individual, as a philosophy to bolster his ability to break away from his family. but then later in the film, just shortly before his untimely death he says, "happiness only real when shared..." he was a spiritual man but i don't think he systematically pursued truth. i think this truth he states near the end of his life was surprising to him. he clearly did not hate people because the few people he got close to genuinely admired and cared for him. and he loved them back. maybe when he got that realization he had gotten beyond the need for happiness.
when i used to worship shiva, i used to believe that a constant state of bliss was experience-able. that no matter where you were, or what you perceived the world to be (good or bad), an energy of peace, satisfaction, and well being could permeate your awareness. what i would pay to be able to manifest that state of mind again. and huh, maybe that is why they do actually charge you to take intensives at the ashram, because you have to exhibit that you genuinely want to receive shaktipat.
if i could go back 10 years and change the actions of one day, knowing that i could have a better experience in the world today as a result, what day, and what deeds would i change... something to contemplate. it was actually 10 years ago this coming October when i left Santa Cruz and descended into this pathway of mental illness (accepting that i was mentally ill and needed professional treatment).
well, i didn't expect to go that deep into those thoughts from that movie. i do have something else to talk about. right now, as i sit here writing this to you, i could be, should be somewhere else. i should be in San Francisco at The Warfield Theater, in the freaking photo pit for a concert shoot. yeah, i got a photo pass to shoot the Les Claypool concert tonight. but i bailed.
i've been really out of sorts for the past two months because the freaking psychiatrist that i see now could not believe that i was well from using zero medications. she kept fidgeting with me, saying "oh, won't you take just a little bit of Abilify, or a little bit of Seroquel, or a little bit of Lamictal. a minimum dose can't hurt, right?" WRONG! i tried all three of those meds for her at minimum doses. two weeks on each of the three and they screwed everything up for me. the only problem that i described to her was that i was not getting enough sleep and that i had trouble concentrating.
the Seroquel worked at helping me sleep through the night and it increased my ability to concentrate, but it also made me WANT to sleep during the day. well, that led me straight into a depression. it softened my focus on my projects. yeah, it sucked. i just wanted to sleep and dream. i'm not going to go into detail about it all except to say that i feel like i have lost the edge on my life. it is going to take some time too to redevelop my sharp edge, but hopefully not too long. i do have more concerts scheduled to cover and more model photo shoots scheduled. i have got to get out of this sludgy malaise though, quick.
part of why i decided to not go to this concert tonight is because i had to sign a waiver stating that the photographs i shot would only be displayed at Ground Control Magazine. i could not display them on my own website. well, that really sucks. because i put a lot of energy into doing a shoot. i shoot between 500 and 800 exposures when i go to a concert. then i spend 5-10+ hours editing the photos so that the best shots are works of art. then to only have 15-20 of my shots from the night displayed on the internet? not worth the time or effort. and these bands tonight i don't even really like. i mean, if the magazine were paying me to do it i would do it. as it is it is totally me spending my money (gas and bridge toll) and all my personal time and energy for the shooting and editing. not a fair exchange. i almost said i'd do it for the benefit of the experience but no, i'm not healthy enough physically. i'm starting to feel like every shoot (concert or model) i do now could be my last.
hell, i feel like every day i live now could be my last.
oh, so... the good news is that i sold one of my photographs to a magazine. it is a shot of Adrian Belew from the concert in February at Slim's. Guitar Player Magazine contacted me via email and said that they found the photo in my Flickr account. they want to do a full page spread of it in their June edition. giving me $200. i was also contacted by Bass Player Magazine. they found two of my photos that they want to use; offering me $130. i'll believe it when i go to the bank with their checks.
in closing, i'm lonely tonight. lonely every day/night... haven't had a good, long talk with anyone in a long time. wish i could turn everything off and concentrate well enough to crawl into a good book. too many voices in my head... to many images in my eyes... a sleeping pill sounds like a good choice.
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Comments
Everyone I know who has seen that film has gone into a tail-spin.
This is what I have learned about the movies from those who talk about it around me:
It's just a movie, but it is based on a person and his experience. But that's the dark side of the tail-spin. The glorification of person so confused, and unprepared is not a good thing. People talk about the kid and his courage. But the reality is that he was messed up and unprepared. His problems and his inability to have a healthy human relationship led him to make bad choices. Those choices led to his death.
I see no courage and no glory when I listen to people talking about this story. I see a young man in the midst of a temper tantrum on a large scale. He shuts himself off and desires solitude. Solitude and isolation are not the same things but they are often mistaken for each other. Isolation can led to death. I am taught by my faith that we were not meant to live in isolation, we were created for companionship. How that companionship manifest varies. And the variety of companionship is as important as having companionship in the first place. It is what gives me a "peace that surpasses all understanding" in the face of struggle, chaos, and pain. Peace does not mean happiness, or fiesta, it is that inner calm that comes with knowledge of the truth. I had that today. I pray to have that everyday.
I am sorry for that man's parent's, and it is sad tragic story. I think it is far more tragic than most will confess too. And, I will not watch the movie.
Just a thought.... thought to share since I know so many (have of my co-workers) who have gotten depressed or worse after watching the film. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Love to you,
K
I saw the film on HBO in Taiwan yesterday.
I also have "disturbing affects".
I can't get peace in my heart since I saw the death of Chris.
This film caused considerable disquiet for me.
However, I found your blog about the film, and I got some help.
Your words relieve my distress.
Anyway, I just want to say thank you.