an old story...
the telling of this story is for a young friend of mine. rather than cram it into her Facebook wall, i thought it might be better to offer it up here where there is a little more room for expansion and who knows, others might find it of interest.
i was a strange person in high school. i had two personas; star athlete and campus jesus freak. i also did not do well in my studies, never had a girl friend, and laid the foundations for being the loner that i am today. when i say "campus jesus freak" i mean that if you were to ask anyone that went to my high school during the years that i was there, i would be the person that people would remember the most as being a freak about jesus. i started a movement there within a month of becoming a student at Monte Vista High School in Danville, California. today i have regrets about how the fervor i experienced and spread infected the thinking and behavior of those i then tried to lead to believe what i believed. how many lost souls there are in the world as a result of my unbridled passion.
my fervor sobered over time; by the time i was a junior i passed the mantle of head freak over to another and i sank into one of the first substantial depressions of my life. ok, here is specifically what this story is about.
during my junior year i went through a spiritual identity crisis. the two most important things in my life; Jesus and gymnastics battled for position of Ultimate Lord in my life. i started to feel like i was honoring and worshiping gymnastics as something more important than Jesus. this really wasn't true, and please, any young people reading this don't think for a second that you cannot serve the god of your choice with your whole heart AND excel at whatever activity thrills you to death. i was confused though and in not having an elder to discuss such questions with, came to my own conclusions.
unfortunately for my team mates and coach, i fell into this mental confusion close to the end of our gymnastics season when state championships were nearing. my heart felt split in two. which was more important to me; service to God or devotion to the practice of gymnastics. the struggle was about ownership of my thoughts rather than what it was i was doing with my time. at least i think that is the truth of the matter now, looking back. although then, the confusion may have arisen out of thinking otherwise - that i would be able to be closer to God if i did NOTHING but think about him.
now back to what a hardcore follower i was. i would cut classes so that i could spend time with other Christians reading the bible and praying. i even got sucked into a miserable plot to do a spiritual battle with sweet, innocent Mormon kids over whose faith was the right faith. and i would cut class to go the gymnasium to practice gymnastics. what classes did i ever attend? i remember regularly going to my English classes and my photography classes. that they actually graduated me from that school was a miracle in itself.
so this question of faith came to a head. i made up my mind. i could not serve two gods. it had to be Jesus or gymnastics. i sided with Jesus and wrote a letter to my coach telling him that i was quitting gymnastics for God. i left it on his desk after a Friday night meet in which i scored the highest points i had ever received for a side horse routine in my entire career. then i virtually walked into a desert of deep, personal reflection. for two weeks i stopped going to gymnastics practice. thinking back now, i don't really remember what i did with that extra time. prayed more, read the bible more, relaxed and watched tv more? i guess. but i did not think about gymnastics. and i did not feel guilty about my decision. i wasn't really friends with the big hitters on the team anyway, so the fact that we did not talk was really no different than before. later i would find that there was a lot of resentment about what i did because the team ended up not doing as well at state championships as they could have.
so the two weeks ended with a deep sense of peace of mind settling upon my spirit. i came to realize that gymnastics had been like another God to me. the battle in my heart was real. but here is what God did. it was a test. God wanted me to prove to him that i loved him more than anything else and made me go through this spiritual angst. he asked me, like he did Abraham, to sacrifice the thing i loved (as much as or) more than i loved him. when i proved to him that He was the most important thing to me He told me that i could have my other love back. but it was with a warning. and it was a lesson that i have applied throughout my life pretty much ever since.
i went back to my coach and asked him if he would take me back. "Take you back? I never sent you away!" he was a great guy. the most father like figure that i actually respected during those painful years after my father died. questions?
i was a strange person in high school. i had two personas; star athlete and campus jesus freak. i also did not do well in my studies, never had a girl friend, and laid the foundations for being the loner that i am today. when i say "campus jesus freak" i mean that if you were to ask anyone that went to my high school during the years that i was there, i would be the person that people would remember the most as being a freak about jesus. i started a movement there within a month of becoming a student at Monte Vista High School in Danville, California. today i have regrets about how the fervor i experienced and spread infected the thinking and behavior of those i then tried to lead to believe what i believed. how many lost souls there are in the world as a result of my unbridled passion.
my fervor sobered over time; by the time i was a junior i passed the mantle of head freak over to another and i sank into one of the first substantial depressions of my life. ok, here is specifically what this story is about.
during my junior year i went through a spiritual identity crisis. the two most important things in my life; Jesus and gymnastics battled for position of Ultimate Lord in my life. i started to feel like i was honoring and worshiping gymnastics as something more important than Jesus. this really wasn't true, and please, any young people reading this don't think for a second that you cannot serve the god of your choice with your whole heart AND excel at whatever activity thrills you to death. i was confused though and in not having an elder to discuss such questions with, came to my own conclusions.
unfortunately for my team mates and coach, i fell into this mental confusion close to the end of our gymnastics season when state championships were nearing. my heart felt split in two. which was more important to me; service to God or devotion to the practice of gymnastics. the struggle was about ownership of my thoughts rather than what it was i was doing with my time. at least i think that is the truth of the matter now, looking back. although then, the confusion may have arisen out of thinking otherwise - that i would be able to be closer to God if i did NOTHING but think about him.
now back to what a hardcore follower i was. i would cut classes so that i could spend time with other Christians reading the bible and praying. i even got sucked into a miserable plot to do a spiritual battle with sweet, innocent Mormon kids over whose faith was the right faith. and i would cut class to go the gymnasium to practice gymnastics. what classes did i ever attend? i remember regularly going to my English classes and my photography classes. that they actually graduated me from that school was a miracle in itself.
so this question of faith came to a head. i made up my mind. i could not serve two gods. it had to be Jesus or gymnastics. i sided with Jesus and wrote a letter to my coach telling him that i was quitting gymnastics for God. i left it on his desk after a Friday night meet in which i scored the highest points i had ever received for a side horse routine in my entire career. then i virtually walked into a desert of deep, personal reflection. for two weeks i stopped going to gymnastics practice. thinking back now, i don't really remember what i did with that extra time. prayed more, read the bible more, relaxed and watched tv more? i guess. but i did not think about gymnastics. and i did not feel guilty about my decision. i wasn't really friends with the big hitters on the team anyway, so the fact that we did not talk was really no different than before. later i would find that there was a lot of resentment about what i did because the team ended up not doing as well at state championships as they could have.
so the two weeks ended with a deep sense of peace of mind settling upon my spirit. i came to realize that gymnastics had been like another God to me. the battle in my heart was real. but here is what God did. it was a test. God wanted me to prove to him that i loved him more than anything else and made me go through this spiritual angst. he asked me, like he did Abraham, to sacrifice the thing i loved (as much as or) more than i loved him. when i proved to him that He was the most important thing to me He told me that i could have my other love back. but it was with a warning. and it was a lesson that i have applied throughout my life pretty much ever since.
i went back to my coach and asked him if he would take me back. "Take you back? I never sent you away!" he was a great guy. the most father like figure that i actually respected during those painful years after my father died. questions?
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