other things going on...

not too much else happening these days. been in a lot of physical discomfort - muscular tension, legs are still cramping up often - trying to make myself go to the health club tonight to sit in the spa. i feel a disparate sense of disconnectedness from society and people right now. my mother and brother are leaving for 6 days. last time that happened my brother came back after one day and i was really upset at not getting to have my time to myself. i'm happy now that they are leaving again, but there is always a remote thought in the back of my head; what if they never come back...

oh god, and i heard new information today during a conversation my mother had with her best friend over lunch that blew me away. forever i have been thinking that my father died when he was 36 years old. well today she says that he was 38 when he died. i had never heard that before. all these years i've been telling people otherwise. so all the emotion i had when i turned 37, thinking that i outlived my father was premature - and wrong! she added more to the story. she was 40 when he died. she married again and her second husband died when he was 58. she was 60 at the time. i've thought for a long time that either my brother or myself would be next, that she has this curse or something on the men she lives with...

well, I AM 48 right now, the missing decade. but she is not an even year of ages old right now. she just turned 77 in September. get this though. my brother will turn 48 years old just 18 days after my mother turns 80. my brother's depression gets so severe at times, and his inability to maintain personal friendships with people is so devastating that there have been times when he isolates himself in his room for days and i've thought for sure that he's killed himself. i fear that eventually one day a bad turn of events will make things unbearable for him. primarily i've thought that the death of our mother would be his undoing. she is his only friend.

god, anyway i wanted to say these things but don't want to dwell on them. i'm listening to the new Tom Waits cd set; ORPHANS BRAWLERS, BAWLERS, BASTARDS. pretty neat, gritty stuff. Toms the man! went to a show at Gilman Street in Berkeley on Friday night which was fun. took some more photos (and a video), two of which have been added to one of the band's that played website! if you want to see my pictures they are on my Flickr account. and the video is at my YouTube account.

found a website where they say that they will pay you to write articles on any of a variety of subjects. well, i registered and what do you think the first article is that i come across that they want someone to write about? "Write a review of the band Green Day." and i was just at their birth place! think i'll do it!

well, it's after 11pm, i'm supposed to volunteer tomorrow but i have an appointment with a model for some photography. maybe i'll call in sick. also i have a homework assignment due Thursday night that i haven't started yet. and i haven't had dinner yet either. oh, and i haven't even mentioned the phone calls from the bill collectors... ugh!