!uoy llet I drow a eveileb reveN

Something is amiss today. A sobering, smoldering sense of something or other has descended upon me and well, I am feeling rather melancholy. It is a little like a depression, a sadness, or a disappointment. Not really quite sure what has prompted it as I have not felt exactly this way in a fair while. An actual thought of suicide popped into my mind; not so much of a need or a deed but a familiar, old sensibility that it is a friend that will always be available to take me all the way home.

Regardless, this being a familiar feeling makes it rather welcome. It feels a little med induced. I did have trouble getting to sleep last night – had only taken .5 Ambien at 9pm thinking that I’d get to sleep early; which I did. But I awoke around 4am and had to take another .5 to get back to sleep. Morning meds have just been plain old strange for weeks now. I can’t control how I am going to feel any morning at all and usually am not able to do anything until noon.

Writing today; I had a thought yesterday that maybe I could just write a short novel for my first work. A simple story aimed at a simpler audience? Just to get my name out there and then have my big project to continue working on in the background? Until I get it right. Because it is going to take a long time to get it right. I don’t want the writing of this book to kill me.

I don’t want to be consumed by a self serving piece of tripe like this and not be … damn, I don’t know. What does anything about what I think or want to do matter anyway? There is something broken inside of me. It is why everything I have ever attempted to do has failed. I’m not saying that there are not things that I did not do well. I am saying that all things I strive to achieve or gain or to become either are not reached or crumble beneath me. I told you this is not a personal diary but here I am g-n-i-k-c-u-f moaning again anyway. I’m not telling you anymore.

Back on topic: I am going to reinvestigate the literature genre of which my “novel within a novel” is to mimic – the horror literature genre. Authors like Clive Barker and H.P. Lovecraft, although both of these gents go a little deeper into horror than I really need to with my story. I just need to get some ideas of setting tone and setting. I wish I could think of some other authors… guess I’ll do a topic search in the library catalog. This is all for now. Since it is still early in the day I will definitely accost some more time to write again later.

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