Like the dreamscape you could not describe to me this morning, only because there are no words in our language that can contain or shape the complexity and delicacy of the meanings your heart’s subconscious breathed forth for you to peek at, I too can not find words that I can put together in any formation of sentence or even guttural utterance that could nearly start to describe the feelings of love that I am feeling for you right now. There is no image of anything in this world’s creation that within a millionth of a fraction of a fraction that nears the beauty that thoughts of you birth in my hearts and mind’s eyes. If there were a way I could describe how you are making me feel right this very moment to Rembrandt or Liszt or Shakespeare, they would all fail in attempting to transform these emotions into art or music or poetry because there is nothing beautiful enough in this world that my words could describe to compare to which would inspire them greatly enough paint, compose, write. But I lie.
This is just how things are now. This is only because I have not seen your eyes yet. Because I have not grazed your skin with my skin yet or run my fingers through your hair yet; because I have not felt your warm breath sighing against my neck yet; because I have not held you in my arms and rocked you to sleep yet, or laughed ecstatically while playing footsies under the table with you at a fancy restaurant, and cried mournfully together for all the past pains that we could not protect and comfort each other from.
With each day that passes I will fight to reform the words in my mind. I will pound them like hot metal until they resemble icons whose form’s could only pale in comparison to the power beyond that of even mere love that you ignite inside my soul. I will wrestle them to conform to the shapes and magnitudes of voices which swarm and bustle within my flesh. Oh yes! I will even create new sounds and new words to describe how you make me feel. My thoughts, the whispers I catch in the breeze from you calling me to remember you. Reminding me that there are only 1,299 days left until that day in which we will become completely… one… being. Soo will not be alone anymore!
I told her last night. I said the most powerful, most threateningly, meanest and hurtful yet truthful thing I have ever, ever said to another human being on this planet, at least in this lifetime – last night. I don’t even know where the words came from. It was maybe the deepest feeling of angst I’ve ever faced. It was a feeling of the greatest fear of being alone, of being abandoned, of having to wake up one day in this world in which she was no longer here. Of after finding the greatest love I could experience in this life and then to lose it. I said with the strongest emphasis and commanding voice that I’ve ever uttered not only to a human, but even to a spirit or god or the wind, “If you were to kill yourself, and didn’t tell me that you were going to do it? I would hunt you down. I would find you. And do you know what? I would never. Ever. Forgive you for that.” And I said it with the deepest, most pleading and desperate love my heart has hidden in that very last drop of blood that would fall from my body which would cause my heart to stop beating and my life to cease. She said, “Only if you will promise to do the same for me.” I promised her that I would.
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