THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

had a slice of chocolate cake and a hot cup of ginger tea and feel a short burst of brightness to utter a few words. i had another appointment with my psychiatrist last week, and well, my arguments of defense to stay off meds failed. rather than my arguments not being strong enough in logic, i think it is that my powers to defend myself articulately have become weakened. psych appts are brief to begin with. i feel like my ability to argue broke down several appts ago when i began to complain about not being able to sleep for more than 4 hours straight. so guess what? she recognized that my main complaint from the meds she's had me on was that i was becoming depressed and incapable of participating in my normal activities; like photo shoots and covering concerts and working on my book... so she decided to allow me to take an antidepressant; Lexapro. But no antidepressant without also taking a mood stabilizer. you won't believe what i agreed to try again - i still can't beli...

really not doing well. have a ticket to see one of my favorite bands of all time that are playing in san francisco tonight, apocalyptica, and i have decided not to go. i am in physical pain and feel so locked up emotionally from a lack of anyone to talk to. do you know what it feels like when you go for months and months and months without having anyone to just shoot the breeze with? when you have no one to talk to about how you are feeling on a daily basis, no one to talk to about things that interest you, no one to do things with that interest you... you get used to silence, you get used to believing that this is the way things are going to be forever, you become less of a believer that things will ever change, and sure, you become bitter. you become less willing to be frank when someone asks you how things are. because you don't want everyone to think that you are as big of a loser as you seem to be, as big of a loser as you feel you are, believe you are... blah, blah, blah, i k...

i watched a movie last night that really had some disturbing affects on me. i'm getting too old and sedate in my stogy ways to be slapped on the upside of the head by meanings of truth (exposed in film and literature) and care enough anymore to take suggestions to change to heart. years ago i would have watched this film and would have found courage and inspiration to take the good messages from the film and use them to bolster up my opinion of myself. the message i received last night went the other direction and made me more aware of my separateness from the world of people. the movie was " into the wild ". really a bit of genius film making and an incredible biographical tale of one of the bravest lives i've ever heard of being lived in recent years. i don't follow current movies anymore so i had never heard much about this except that someone did recommend it to me a while ago. the title stuck in my head i guess. something i would have benefited from watching ...

de dingen gaan op vandaag dat ik niet kan verklaren. ik voel flittery, niet bekwaam om op om het even wat aan te steken - geen stevige grond overal te vinden. niemand om aan die zorgen genoeg om brandend schip dat gaat onderaan snel over de horizon te helpen volledig te begrijpen of te spreken? u betcha. meer kijk ik in het vlees van mijn roman het doe schrikken me meer meer ik kijk aan mensen voor steun, begrip, gezelschap, steun, minder geloof ik ik zal worden ooit welk ik wil of nodig heb. ik weet wat niet ik meer wil. ik denk het in groot deel is omdat ik niet denk het mogelijk is om om het even welk ding te krijgen of te hebben dit senseless ramble, unfocused - doelbewust is. ga cijfer het voor zich uit. ik wil niet gedronken worden omdat ik niet op het gevoel vertrouw. ik wil geen geslacht hebben omdat ik niet denk het mogelijk is om op het gevoel te vertrouwen. ik wil niet eten omdat ik niet denk het mogelijk is om op het gevoel te vertrouwen. ik wil niet meer spreken omdat i...

Mobile post sent by daryldarko using Utterz .    Replies .   mp3

Mobile post sent by daryldarko using Utterz .    Replies .   mp3

a dear, long time friend sent me this note tonight. he is a regular reader of my blog. i will comment on this below. Daryl, You need to exercise regularly.  I know it is depressing to not be engaged in the human continuum. The endorphin rush you get from exercise, will make you look flush, and sexy You won’t look like a walking  haggis. Chicks WILL dig you for you, if you care enough about your body to make be healthy  You will look sexy to them, if they know you will care for them the same as you care for yourself. Sympathy Sex (Love) is for the pathetic. I strongly recommend the Rowing Machine, and pull ups, and free hand weights. You already have all the charm you need in your Professional Photography. Now you need a body to put it in. Suicide is too easy, and you already know you are going to re-embody right back into the test you failed. You have the best opportunity RIGHT NOW at THIS time to defeat this hole in your lifetime...