maybe no friends would be best...

 Having a weird thought / idea right now ... And I bet it's something that a lot of people have figured out sooner than I have. When you create dependencies on people in the world, you give away your power. You look to others to feed you something that you feel unable to manifest yourself. And here's where I'm feeling this sharp stab come from. I have so few friends as it is (luckily, one of these friends REALLY understands me)... and I've tried to be a good friend, and to be of use to others in ways that I would hope to be reciprocated.. 

Okay, so here's where I'm seeing the holes in this objective of having friends. You either need to surround yourself with people that are so closely of like mind and common interest, people that are weird and thrive on the kinds of activities and ideas that motivate you, or else your going to feel incomplete. If you are a weirdo and all of your friends are normal, you're just going to appear as a circus clown to them. They'll always be scratching their heads wondering what really goes on deep inside your mind. You can't relax and be your real self around them because the sense of acceptance they give you will always be diminished by their fear of seeing what you really are like. 

This is the tale of my lifetime. I'm going to turn 62 years old in 5 days and I have 4 friends left in the world. 3 of them I've known since I was 14 years old. The other one is someone I've known for the past 10 years, and she is the one that REALLY understands me. I swear, that if it weren't for this one friend I'm sure I would have committed suicide 10 years ago. These other people/friends, it's impossible to have deep conversations with them. On top of that we all live in different parts of the country and it's rare/impossible to get to spend time in person together.

Okay, back to my new philosophy about why "no friends" might be better. I've taken a huge step towards this type of lifestyle by the act of disconnecting from social media on the internet. A year ago I stopped using Instagram and Facebook, the two places where I had accumulated the largest conglomeration of people that I tried to make connections with. I stopped exerting energy of effort trying to appear interested in their lives, and I stopped trying to gather interest from others in my life. It's been a very satisfying experience in that I've re-accumulated a lot of mental peace and calm in my life. My mind is no longer busy trying to think of ways to impress people I for the most part don't even know from my real world (online friends). I've become less anxious and have more time to use on taking care of and loving myself.

So what I'm thinking could be the next smart move is to stop talking to anyone about what I'm doing or the things I'm interested in (except my one good friend). But even with her, other than speaking about the status of our health, by stopping talking about my interests, desires, and projects/plans, I'll stop putting energy outside of myself in the hope that someone will feed me back reciprocally. I'll stop becoming depressed and despondent after telling someone about a great idea I have for a novel, or a photo project because none of the people I know care or think deeply enough about the kinds of ideas I have. By stopping putting out energy to look for feedback (that I never get in the way I hope to get it), I'll keep that energy inside my closed system, and I'll become the one to give myself my own feedback. By keeping the energy of my ideas inside myself, they'll be able to grow larger and more powerful inside my system, and what I'm hoping is that with this newly gained energy, I'll become more capable of sitting down and getting the work of writing my novels and shooting my photo projects completed. If I no longer care about what anyone on the outside of myself thinks, I'll truly only be doing this work for myself, and I'll overcome the fear of producing exactly the deepest thought out work I'm capable of.

I really do suspect that there are hoards of artists and writers out there in the world that have already made this discovery, and it is they that become the profusely productive creators. Don't get me entirely wrong. This ONE FRIEND that I have, she has illustrated to me the value of having ONE PERSON that you can trust and rely upon to be a sounding board in your life. Except I cannot have this one friend all for myself. She's already been won by another. But she has shown me the way to believe that I could benefit by having one like her for myself. And I do open my heart's doorway to the universe for such a person that is a perfect weirdo match for me to find her way into my life.

Okay, I think I said what I needed to say.