lost window of opportunity, probably squandered it on my own behalf...

I'm too uncomfortable emotionally this week to say exactly what I want to say here, right now, so this will be brief and incoherent due to a lack of detail...

So "Lorie" is doing her 3 mini-sessions tomorrow. I signed in and requested to be considered for one of those 3 positions, as did over 100 other people. She consults with her spirit guides about who to select for these "sessions". But she also dropped hints last time, a month ago, when she did the July sessions that she likes to prioritize men in the selection process - since there are so few men in the group. I've seen about 3 different men attend her live sessions, compared to the 200-400 women that attend. So I became proud thinking that I'd be sure to be selected for this months offering. When I reviewed the list of people that requested to be included, I was the only man in the list.

So between Sunday and tonight, I patted myself on the back thinking that I was a shoe-in for being chosen. Now, other than being ego-driven with these thoughts and ideas, I think I also ruined my chances because all these days this week, as I previewed in my mind how I would present my "questions" to her in a live session, I heard myself grovelling and moaning about how hard my life has been (in regards to failing to achieve the goals I have set for myself in this lifetime). Honestly, I sounded ridiculous in my mind with all the "woe is me" that I was going to cry out with.

And tonight, once I saw that I was not one of the chosen ones, I suddenly saw how weak that posturing was. More so, I suddenly felt a surge of inner soul-strength that said, "HEY SILLY MAN! YOU DON'T NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO GIVE YOU ANSWERS FOR THINGS YOU ALREADY KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT!" In that moment I was not "fixed", but I saw the door opening for me to become able to access my own spirit guides and felt the words rising up in my throat to discuss with them, the why's and how's and the let's get busy doing this work ON OUR OWN. Why do I think I need to be on display in front of all these other on-lookers being hand fed answers by someone else... I DON'T NEED THAT! but part of the answer to that question was that I thought, maybe one from these hundreds of women might hear me and find some sort of attraction to me and could reach out to me to start a conversation that might lead to developing a connection. I did not think this thought until tonight. Would that have been wrong? Would it have been manipulative? I don't think it would have been wrong, but I do think it could have been manipulative.

Anyway, I'm at peace with not being selected, and I feel brave about taking new steps to figure out MY STUFF. Soon. After this Sturgeon Moon wanes it's ferocity a little bit more. I'll find my poise and start my journey afresh.

Oh, and I think I did pretty much say exactly what I didn't think I'd be able to say.