weird worry
Relatively, I am not sad these days. It seems that as I keep up a regular practice of meditation - that is meditating for at least 15 minutes, once a day - I am able to refresh my spirit enough to cast off the creeping shadows of sadness and depression that approach my consciousness every day. There are things happening in and around about my life that could lead to a pretty strong episode of depression but the joy that clearing my energy via meditation is relatively saving my life right now. Fuuny, but I thought that I'd spend my time writing this blog energy talking about the things that are not going right that could bring on a depressive episode - but I didn't. I jumped right to the good part of the story and talked about what is working. I'm kinda proud of myself for doing that. And happy that this happened.
All the same, just for the sake of clarity and record, I do want to talk about these things because they are not going to go away on their own, not very easily at least, or so says my rational mind. I mean, if I were to just focus on meditation as the "new thing that I do", and didn't put energy into these other things that I used to do, that I'm partly afraid I should be doing, and that if I don't do them, well what am I going to do next - those things might just completely disintegrate on their own by the majesty of how wonderful it is to be able to meditate so freely and satisfyingly... that would be a new sort of success, wouldn't it? And it might free the way for me to discover some brand new things to do, and become.
So the elephant in the room that I'm talking about are my pastimes of photography and writing. This has not been a very productive, nor successful year in my pursuit of those uses of my time. They still are things that I enjoy doing, and I feel that I have somewhat of a calling to perform in them, but I've become quite lazy and lackluster in my practices of these arts. Almost to the point of feeling like I have become a failure at them. I am not ready to say that I will decidedly give up doing them. But it sort of feels like maybe I have come to a point where I could ask those questions. Since I was never very good at either of them and never achieved any status of success or acknowledgment, I could tell myself that I did as well as I could and that now I want to do something different. The issue with that sort of decision is that I from very early in my life believed that I was "gifted" in those fields. There is nothing else that I've ever considered wanting to learn that I had as much of a foot in the door of being "gifted" as I was with those two things. If I were to venture towards wanting to learn any other arts, the odds for further failure would be grander. Even though I was never good at photography or writing, I have no predispositions of ability that are grander than what I felt I had for those things.
So perhaps, rather than trying to be one that goes on creating, maybe I should just become one that now studies. Read. Research. Just for the sake of increasing my knowledge. Stop trying to be somebody that does something, wanting to be known and to have a name. And just "be", instead. It sounds like qutting to me, but really this is how desperate I am beginning to feel about the state of being I'm in right now.
All the same, just for the sake of clarity and record, I do want to talk about these things because they are not going to go away on their own, not very easily at least, or so says my rational mind. I mean, if I were to just focus on meditation as the "new thing that I do", and didn't put energy into these other things that I used to do, that I'm partly afraid I should be doing, and that if I don't do them, well what am I going to do next - those things might just completely disintegrate on their own by the majesty of how wonderful it is to be able to meditate so freely and satisfyingly... that would be a new sort of success, wouldn't it? And it might free the way for me to discover some brand new things to do, and become.
So the elephant in the room that I'm talking about are my pastimes of photography and writing. This has not been a very productive, nor successful year in my pursuit of those uses of my time. They still are things that I enjoy doing, and I feel that I have somewhat of a calling to perform in them, but I've become quite lazy and lackluster in my practices of these arts. Almost to the point of feeling like I have become a failure at them. I am not ready to say that I will decidedly give up doing them. But it sort of feels like maybe I have come to a point where I could ask those questions. Since I was never very good at either of them and never achieved any status of success or acknowledgment, I could tell myself that I did as well as I could and that now I want to do something different. The issue with that sort of decision is that I from very early in my life believed that I was "gifted" in those fields. There is nothing else that I've ever considered wanting to learn that I had as much of a foot in the door of being "gifted" as I was with those two things. If I were to venture towards wanting to learn any other arts, the odds for further failure would be grander. Even though I was never good at photography or writing, I have no predispositions of ability that are grander than what I felt I had for those things.
So perhaps, rather than trying to be one that goes on creating, maybe I should just become one that now studies. Read. Research. Just for the sake of increasing my knowledge. Stop trying to be somebody that does something, wanting to be known and to have a name. And just "be", instead. It sounds like qutting to me, but really this is how desperate I am beginning to feel about the state of being I'm in right now.
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