cycling systems of understanding thru the years...

This is my annual, typical, probably getting boring blog entry about my relationship with my dad. Dad's birthday was yesterday (October 5, 1932). He was born in Springfield, Ohio and that is where he is buried too. He died on September 7, 1969 in San Leandro, California). 36 years, 11 months and 2 days of living in this world was all the time he was allotted to figure things out with. His last couple of years, he became very quiet. Well, he was a pretty quiet man all the time that I knew him - he was not a big thinker or talker (the total flip side of how my step-father was - he was a huge talker and very extroverted. probably the greatest influence by an extrovert I ever experienced was from him.) no, my dad was very introverted. and where I was going with that thought was that the last couple of years of his life he was more quiet than usual - and I think that was because of the physical pain he must have been in. He died from lung cancer. 75% of his lungs were eaten up by the cancer when the doctors finally discovered it. He never told anyone that he wasn't feeling well. I think it was just plain old fear of not wanting to find out what was wrong that kept him from speaking up. Why was he like that? It may be impossible for me to ever understand or come up with a satisfactory answer. If I could talk with him, that is one of the biggest questions I'd have for him. Yeah, if I could sit down and have a long chat with him, I'd ask him so many things. Things that a boy who was my age when he died would not have had the depth of character to know to ask, or be brave enough to ask. Gosh, this is sort of an interesting thing for a story... to be able to sit down with someone that has died and ask them questions about what their life was like. Or maybe write it as a play. Gosh, not where I was intending on going with this entry but something I will now start to consider more.

One thing I wanted to talk about in this blog is how my awareness of him has opened up in this past year since I developed my psychic awareness more highly. It was about 2 years when I first began to feel like he was a living spirit, on the other side, and that it was possible for me to call out to him, and that he could hear and respond to me. I'm sure there is an old entry in here that talks about when those experiences began. And similarly this year I've come to sense what it is that he is doing in the heavens now. There are other relatives that I've discovered similar info about and know what they are doing more clearly than I do about my dad. I just need to take some more time to meditate and talk to him. Back when my son was born, I felt a strong sense that Billy was the reincarnation of my son. And that was why I chose to name him after my father. I still believe that could be the truth, and it's something I should actually ask him about. Okay, maybe that's where I'll end this for now.