adjustments...
I spent the last 5 years nurturing a very powerful friendship with a young woman half my own age. She literally became the best friend I've had since I left Santa Cruz when I last lived there in 1995. We went through a lot of changes, she and I, during these five years. There were times when we were extremely close and spoke to each other every single day, and then there were times when we would vanish into our separate cocoons of isolative depression for months. We learned a lot of things together too. This was one of the highlights of our friendship, how we would discover something new that we wanted to learn to do, and we would practice developing these new skills together. Another thing that was powerful about our friendship was how dynamic it was. We adapted to what was going on in the other person's life. I don't want to spend a whole lot of time going into details of what I'm talking about, that's not what this post is about.
I want to talk about changes I've gone through in the past 6 months since I began studying clairvoyant meditation. I've learned how to become extremely independent of needing other people. I've learned how to clean out energy that belongs to other people from "my space", so that I am not burdened by their demands, or pain. And I've learned how to detect when someone is an energy leech and now know how to block that kind of interaction from happening.
I'm not saying that this friend was an issue for me, if she were in fact doing any of these things that invaded my space. I welcomed her to share her struggles with me, and much of the time, her struggles became like my own, I felt that this is what being a friend meant. To help carry someone else when they needed help.
I advanced a lot in my own spiritual growth and awareness in the time I was in the program at IW. My friend began taking the classes there too, and our hope was that we'd grow even more close to one another as we'd be able to practice our lessons together. But we joined the classes out of sync with each other. I joined just one month before she did, and without my focused attention on practicing our lessons together, she ended up leaving the course after 2 or 3 months.
Then some other things happened back in December involving another person that she and I befriended. I don't want to talk about that situation in this post, perhaps I'll write another post just about that because it's a very complex scenario which I don't have complete understanding or finality with yet.
I'll just say that I believe that this third party person interfered with my friend's opinion of myself and that she led my friend to make a decision to exile me from our group friendship.
Regardless if anyone else is partly responsible for my friend choosing to ignore me, or not, she has done this. She has refused to acknowledge any communications I've made in trying to reach her. This was a really hard experience for me to deal with. There have been times in the past when my friend really needed to have time alone, but with how close we grew together over the past year, she needed these types of times out less and less. So it was a real shock to me, and still is, that this hiatus has lasted more than 3 months.
Here is the important thing though. I almost feel that this time, she may either never come back, or if she does, she's not going to find me to be the same person that I used to be. She's lived 3 months without any direct assistance or influence from me, so perhaps she did take the little bit she learned in the course and applied it to her daily life like I have been doing. I say that because I am almost feeling complete enough within myself to state that I don't need to have the same type of closely knit, sharing relationship with her like I used to. And I'm almost going to be daring enough to say that perhaps I don't need to have that kind of relationship/friendship with anyone else anymore. One of my natural occurring instincts was to start to find someone new that I could spend time with like I did with her, but attempts to do this have pretty much failed all around. I'm not getting depressed by them failing, nor am I feeling depressed from a lack of companionship with someone else.
Today in particular, while I was spending time on the mountain I felt a deep, calm peace with myself thinking that if it is going to just be me alone from here on out, I'm going to master this state of being independent and never look back on feeling incomplete because I don't have someone else to do things with. I think this is a major step forward in my soul's evolution. Thank the gods that I have learned how to properly meditate (and no longer need a guru to guide me) and that I've learned how to separate from the energy of others. Let's wait and see what ends up developing in my life during the months and years ahead.
I want to talk about changes I've gone through in the past 6 months since I began studying clairvoyant meditation. I've learned how to become extremely independent of needing other people. I've learned how to clean out energy that belongs to other people from "my space", so that I am not burdened by their demands, or pain. And I've learned how to detect when someone is an energy leech and now know how to block that kind of interaction from happening.
I'm not saying that this friend was an issue for me, if she were in fact doing any of these things that invaded my space. I welcomed her to share her struggles with me, and much of the time, her struggles became like my own, I felt that this is what being a friend meant. To help carry someone else when they needed help.
I advanced a lot in my own spiritual growth and awareness in the time I was in the program at IW. My friend began taking the classes there too, and our hope was that we'd grow even more close to one another as we'd be able to practice our lessons together. But we joined the classes out of sync with each other. I joined just one month before she did, and without my focused attention on practicing our lessons together, she ended up leaving the course after 2 or 3 months.
Then some other things happened back in December involving another person that she and I befriended. I don't want to talk about that situation in this post, perhaps I'll write another post just about that because it's a very complex scenario which I don't have complete understanding or finality with yet.
I'll just say that I believe that this third party person interfered with my friend's opinion of myself and that she led my friend to make a decision to exile me from our group friendship.
Regardless if anyone else is partly responsible for my friend choosing to ignore me, or not, she has done this. She has refused to acknowledge any communications I've made in trying to reach her. This was a really hard experience for me to deal with. There have been times in the past when my friend really needed to have time alone, but with how close we grew together over the past year, she needed these types of times out less and less. So it was a real shock to me, and still is, that this hiatus has lasted more than 3 months.
Here is the important thing though. I almost feel that this time, she may either never come back, or if she does, she's not going to find me to be the same person that I used to be. She's lived 3 months without any direct assistance or influence from me, so perhaps she did take the little bit she learned in the course and applied it to her daily life like I have been doing. I say that because I am almost feeling complete enough within myself to state that I don't need to have the same type of closely knit, sharing relationship with her like I used to. And I'm almost going to be daring enough to say that perhaps I don't need to have that kind of relationship/friendship with anyone else anymore. One of my natural occurring instincts was to start to find someone new that I could spend time with like I did with her, but attempts to do this have pretty much failed all around. I'm not getting depressed by them failing, nor am I feeling depressed from a lack of companionship with someone else.
Today in particular, while I was spending time on the mountain I felt a deep, calm peace with myself thinking that if it is going to just be me alone from here on out, I'm going to master this state of being independent and never look back on feeling incomplete because I don't have someone else to do things with. I think this is a major step forward in my soul's evolution. Thank the gods that I have learned how to properly meditate (and no longer need a guru to guide me) and that I've learned how to separate from the energy of others. Let's wait and see what ends up developing in my life during the months and years ahead.
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