for the want of a lover, the loner got lonelier…

i don’t make sense. the way i do things. the way i think. the way i act. how i’ll ever get to the end of the game of life and be considered anything but a fool no one will be able to explain. i won’t even have an onlooker who will care to say, “yeah, he was weird but he meant well.” because no one but my shadow sees my actions and thoughts…

see, even now i’m not making sense. anyway, i’m going to ramble like crazy in this post. there is no one to talk to anymore. no one at all. i don’t even dream of having i conversation with anyone anymore. the desire has died. to be with someone. to be understood by someone. to be appreciated by someone. it just doesn’t matter. wanting does nothing but wear you out. it’s better to just be.

came very close to changing the location of this blog. by that i mean “hiding” this blog. changing it’s name so that it cannot be found by anyone that knows it by it’s old name. the first step towards that anonymity i cancelled the mailing list for this blog. i didn’t delete it, so it’s possible to go back to using it later, but for right now i have to practice not caring if anyone reads this anymore. plus, it gives me a little more freedom to not fear writing even more openly. that is part of what curbs my ability to do all the things i want to do in life, worrying what others will think. so the power that blogging gives me, if i’m not worrying about what someone else thinks, especially when there is a mailing list to people that never say what they think, i’ll feel more free. but the second step towards total anonymity is to be hidden from anyone that ever read this and may still try to follow me. you may say, then why blog at all? i’ve talked about it before and i can’t go into it in detail now. too many other things to say… but there is power in saying something out loud. it’s like a confessional. the problem with regular, secret readers is that they over analyze what i say and it takes my life and joy out of saying and feeling it. i don’t want to be studied or summarized. not yet at least. wait till i’m dead, ok? and i’m tired of feeling the need to put everything that i write that feels secret to me on these pages in a foreign translation… too much gets read into that when i do that. i would like to say out loud what i secretly feel and think… i’m afraid for the people that know me to hear those things though…

and see? right now, i had such plans for this entry… i really wanted/needed to go off into a deep fantasy of exploration of desires and emotions but already i’m feeling stifled because i know who will read this. so either this is the very last thing i will write here or i will have to resort to hidden, confusing foreign translations.