cold night in lancaster…

this is a hard post to write. i can’t figure out how to get started. it’s going to go deep and i may say some things i’ll later regret making public, but i won’t mention names and most likely anyone that i may upset won’t read this anyway. it’s all about me, anyway, not them.

so i found out a few hours ago that one of the people that have most strongly influenced my personal creative instincts in this world, in this lifetime, passed away. he is someone that has been living reclusively for a number of decades now, but the art/music he created in his early/productive years is something that i consider to be of grand merit. he is the musician Captain Beefheart.

his music got under my skin when i first listened to it as an 18 year old and i was fortunate enough to be able to see him perform live twice in San Francisco (1977 at The Great American Music Hall, 1978 at The Old Waldorf). The first time I saw his band play was one of those experiences that go down in your books as classic and unforgettable. I attended the show alone and they had tables set up on the floor (which was the tradition a lot more back in the old days). The crowd was small and I was able to have the table to myself all night long. The table next to me had a reserved marker on it when I arrived. Under “RESERVED” was the name “DAGWOOD”. i should have had a better clue as to who it was for, but just before the show began four people sat at the table, a woman and three men. It wasn’t until i made eye contact with the woman, when she raised her glass to me and smiled, that i realized it was the band BLONDIE. i was too young to order alcoholic drinks then, so i’m sure i had my typical bottle of Calistoga Water in a glass of ice w/lime. I was a fan of Blondie too, but this night was about absorbing The Captain.

i watched with close scrutiny how the band member’s energy bounced off of each other in similar awkward fashion to the way the contorted and distorted musical notes and melodies they generated crashed in the air. i don’t think it was a good performance that night. there may have been breaks in the songs and shouts between band members. bad stars in the sky for artistic synchronicity but it didn’t matter to us in the audience, we came to see and hear a catastrophe of sounds that make you squirm and scratch your head for the logic in the compositions. it was brilliant and i was more elated from the performance than i had ever been before.

i am not a musician though. not a physical one. i cannot sing, nor do i know how to play a musical instrument. my soul is musical though and complicated, discordant music is what awakens/stirs me the most. Captain Beefheart, in all of his reckless abandon created the most unique, “i don’t care what anyone else thinks” music i’ve ever heard in my generation and when i listen to it, i listen to it hard and long so that it takes me deeper and deeper into my own craziness.

i used to have a friend, one person only, who could listen to this music with me. he is a legitimate musician though that can sing and play guitar. for all the other things i know about this person, i’m not quite sure why/how he has an appreciation for the Captain’s music. see, this person used to be what i’ve called “my oldest/best friend”, but that is no longer the case. time has separated us. up to a couple of years ago i would brainstorm about our future together as “old men/old friends” and say, “let’s create a Captain Beefheart cover band together and tour middle American coffee shops and bars.” he always said no to that idea… i may still do this, or something similar. more on this in a second.

the sad thing though is that this man and i have drifted so far apart as friends that even today, on a day that our last connection through a musical hero died, i have no desire left to reach out to him. i tried for a long time to keep a breath of life flowing into our friendship but he repeatedly shut down my efforts, to the point where now i just don’t care anymore. i can’t say anymore about it, don’t want to say anymore about it. i’d rather talk about the Captain himself and the ways that he inspires me…

i have made a couple of music style videos based on songs that Captain Beefheart composed (they are on youtube) and i’ve wanted to make more. maybe now is a good time to get serious about this and get to work. also, since i am going to be studying poetry beginning next month i think i am going to delve deeply into studying/researching the captains writing styles. not to duplicate him, but to find a way to tap into the spirit of absurdity that he fed upon. that, is what i want to let loose within myself.

Lancaster, California is the city in the Mojave Desert where Captain Beefheart and his friend Frank Zappa lived when they were high school boys. ok, that’s all i can say now. it hurts/confuses too much. i’m glad the pain of your suffering is over Captain. you were sick for a long time.