contrary to the lonely man theory…

it is the wanting, the not-having, the desire, the hunger, the missing, the remembering, the tasting but not being able to consume, that creates the pain in my heart that makes me have all of these words that i feel the need to express the emotions of with… if i did not have all of these conflicts inside of me, i would not have angst to create stories with, would i? so i’m walking a tightrope… i want to be free. i want to be content. but i don’t want to be bored or boring. i do want to have something to do. i do want to be a creator. i do want to make use of my time. i do want to entertain you. i think i’ve seen something important today though. there is a successful sort of writer that does live in seclusion. that does live alone. not all successful writers have pretty wives and houses on the beach. yeah, i do need to be a caveman cut off from the normalness of regular life.

i just have to be careful with how i manage this. i’ve already been through stages with the development of my isolation where it’s bordered on dangerous. the 5 years that i spent agoriphobically confined to my house, i never thought that was going to end. THAT became my norm. normal is accepting that you could die tomorrow and that everything, no matter how bizarre to someone’s else’s eyes your life is, is that it’s ok. i don’t think that is right. i think we should always have a sense of uneasiness about our condition. that we should always have a sensation that there is something amiss. that something is missing. or you know when you have that feeling that things are going too well? that you are due for a mishap because you don’t deserve things to be so good? there should always be an awareness of out of kilter-ness in our heads so that we don’t forget that we are not fully in control. so that we remember that there are greater forces. so that we do not become proud. humility and gratitude must remain intact so that we are ready for a surprise. otherwise, nothing will surprise us anymore and it all will become entirely mundane.

i had a thought today that this is another good reason for me not to use recreational drugs or to use alcohol. a softening of the grasp on the harshness of reality will only erode my sense that my time is short. i can’t live a day thinking that there is time to get to this next week. NOW is when things have to be done. this is the constant, burning awareness i have to surround myself with for this writing. i have got to spend as much time doing this writing NOW because there is no other time for it. ok, so back to the cave now to DO IT.