heart pitter-patter

something started to move inside my heart-space earlier this week. an old feeling that i have not recognized as being there in a number of years, and when it got stirred a few days ago, i was like, “oh where have you been! i’ve missed you soo much, my love!”

what i think it is is the spark of spiritual connection of my heart to the divine. there have been different ways that this has manifested in my understanding over the years, and of course, my understanding now is different than it ever was before.

my first memorable powerful experiences of this pitter-patter were when i was 13 years old and felt the flooding of power of the Christ-spirit into my heart. years later though, the pitter-patter felt different when i developed a romantic crush on a teenage girl at high school.

there are times when the heart pitter-patter is subtle and other times when it is overwhelming and all consuming. sometimes the pitter-patter is just a dull ache and reflects how i miss something/someone or want to be somewhere or with someone really badly.

i’ve had heart pitter-patter over love for television show characters (Buffy) and from the emotions that pure music can stir in my soul, but there is something different about the heart pitter-patter that the connection with a real human being can instigate. i’ve only had this three times. in three very different manifestations.

the most powerful ever heart pitter-patter connection i’ve had was with an enigmatic personality that i never really got to know personally. my guru. a woman, not many years older than myself. i know, you have no idea what i really mean by this because as soon as you hear the words “my guru” your mind shuts down. western minds do not have the capacity to understand what this relationship between guru and disciple is all about, and i will have to write an entire nanowrimo length novel to explain those years of experience to the world. later, i promise.

THAT pitter-patter though, was the strongest LOVE i have ever ever ever felt in my entire lifetime. it is an ethereal spiritual godly love that transcends the body.

the second most powerful heart pitter-patter connection i’ve ever experienced was with a physical lover. there has only been one, and as far as i can tell, that is all that i need to have experienced. but she was penultimate in how she awakened my inner physical beast and took me to places of surrender and satisfaction that i had never even imagined were possible in my karma bound experience. i could write 10 chapters about that love affair, easily, and maybe i will. i will never forget her blessings.

the third most powerful heart pitter-patter came through an online friendship in which the other party and myself were able, through letters, to express ourselves so incredibly deeply and honestly to each other, and i think what gave us this aura of safety was the protection of not really knowing each other in person. or fearing that we would really ever meet. that friendship, in the stages of its most powerful intensity lasted for about 2 years. we are still in contact today, yet we still have never met in person.

so what does this heart pitter-patter feel like? it feels like champagne bubbling inside of my chest. it is bright and flutters and it is not just a warm feeling i get after hearing a feel-good-story on the evening news. it is an aliveness that feels like it is growing, but here is the kicker; it is not just my own, single, lone heart beating. it is a connection to another heart that causes this pitter-patter-flutter.

when it kicked up to this new level this week my very first thought was, “who is that? who is that there in my heart space, connecting with me right now?” and it only took a second before i knew the answer. it is someone i’ve been developing a friendship with recently who is also going to be one of my new models. a muse.

and that is when the true meaning of this became clear. this heart-pitter-patter-flutter is me connecting with the spirit of the artistic muse with my models prior to our actually working together. i do actually think it is more than just that, but for now i don’t want to over extrapolate and i just want to flow with the inspirational feelings of love and go forth and create…

blessed be~