silence is a golden thing sometimes…

seems that a lot of the time when i feel urged to blog it is because i have complaints on my mind. and then i go quiet and you don’t hear anything from me for awhile. well, usually during those quiet times i DON’T have anything to complain about and things are going pretty well. does that make you think i am a born complainer and only write or phone if there is a problem? maybe. maybe not. i don’t know.

i mean, i could complain now, about something, but that is not how i am feeling. or experiencing life right now. am i at peace? well, i actually think that i am pretty much at peace a lot of, or all the time. my own kind of peace and satisfaction with my lot. at least i am more at peace as more time passes, or so it seems. the things i complained about last time i blogged, i’m over, for now.

i do have a concern this week. the profundity of deaths of 50 year old men in the news. it’s foolish to think that big names in the news can set trends, unless you are superstitious. but the deaths of Michael Jackson and Billy Mays, both who were just 50 years old cast a perilous shadow across my mind this week. i’m just 50. and i’m not in good health. um, last blog entry anyone? i was going through some serious health crisis just a month ago. i feel a lot better now than i did then but i am certainly not out of the woods. and Billy Mays appeared to have died painlessly in his sleep. a local icon here in the Danville area died in his sleep just last week, and he was only 57.

someone commented to me recently that now that “we are 50, everyone seems young when they die”. kind of strange, but it’s really true.

anyway, i’m actually busy with activities right now. my kind of activities. the one thing that keeps my sanity in tact more than anything else is doing photo shoots. i still don’t seem to have any trouble finding people to model for me. it’s kind of a non-mental activity for me, in a way. yet it is what keeps me feeling like i’m in the game. if i can do photo shoots my mind is active enough, my body is not hurting too much, my social agility is in tact; i am still moving towards a goal. but there is still disintegration occurring along the way. i know less about what my end goal is. i am no closer to an end goal. i operate on a robotic, programmed level. i am not thinking or progressing. i am just treading water and aging.

i think there is a lot more i could say here, but who is really listening, other than me…