why is love so hard to find, win, feel, keep, understand?

i don't even know how to start to venture into contemplating these questions right now without admitting to you that i am sitting here crying while listening to music. what is that all about? why do i cry? because love has hurt me. it is pain that is released when i hear beautiful music, not joy. or is it joy? a bittersweet joy? i have so much love inside of me yet i get to share it with no one. i get to dote on no one. i get to kiss no one. i get to hug no one, well, or so few... i want to hold someone, i want to ravish someone, i want someone to look forward to seeing me...

actually, these are not all truths. not right now. there is someone new in my life that hugs me. i haven't kissed her though. and she does look forward to seeing me. the thing though is that she cannot take me fully into her life right now. so again, i feel denied the fulfillment of these experiences. it hurts though being here in my room, my bed, still alone. is it the wanting that makes not having hurt? is that why i cry when i hear sounds and words that trigger deep seated emotions?

my life is feeling pretty good right now. i was talking to one of the body guards in the pit at the Coheed & Cambria concert Friday night. told him about my long journey to my current career status; concert photographer and reviewer. consolidated the story as this being what i wanted to do since i left high school but that i had to do other careers because i needed to have my own family. now, i said, i'm divorced and my son is grown so this is exactly what i gravited back to doing. my childhood dream. he smiled large and said, "Congratulations on having your wishes fulfilled man!" i said, "wow, you are right!"

now for this next dream to occur; to be in love with one other soul that also loves me.