THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

i'm not sure. realllly not sure. other than i've lived through experiences. time has passed in which i've done things. were the things i've done worth the energy expended. sure they were. i lived as much as i was capable of. have i progressed? tonight, sitting here in my room, still alone, it really doesn't feel like it because i have not gained or achieved what i've pursued. and if i give in to these feelings and thoughts for too long, i'm gonna start to do over what i always do. let myself get depressed. not sure how i'm gonna figure my way out of this one, because i do know that things have changed. i did better this time in this friend-making than i did last time(s). and there are other friends that i have, who had for some time been lost, who have come back. i just don't have the one amazing friend that will rely on me like they will on no other for their own peace and satisfaction. am i going to start looking for another? or reconsider othe...

silence no more. i'm sorry not telling you this story before now. i mean, i've alluded to it and given peeks into it over and again during the past 2 1/2 years... sometimes here in this blog, other times in private blogs which i may at some time make public. but now i need to come more clean about what's been going on inside my heart than ever before. i'll still dance around coming right out and saying things clearly, it's just my style of being fancy in revealing the truth. forgive me for that, but bear with me and persist with reading, i want you to know and understand better what my plight has been like. i am a lover. i do love life. my life is not the best life i could have lived but i see the balance of how what works and what does not work adds up to make a perfect experience. we need pain to be able to appreciate pleasure. there is light and darkness everywhere. it mingles and bleeds into each other's realms all the time. is light equivalent to love? is...

And I am less prepared than I've been, perhaps ever to start this month long dive into literary abandon, oh muses of mine. And I don't want to spend a lot of time thinking about not being prepared, or psyched, or inspired... i am inspired and i have a general sense of trust that i will be led into the chapters that need to become revealed about life here in Danville with our unhappy young lady. i touch base here with you, my angels, my beauties, my touchstones to the deeper places where the font of my imagination waits to be penetrated and dipped into... i know you are with me, i know you want me and need me to do this.... so let's get on with it, eh? thank you Francesca, thank you Clive and thank you most of all Eugene. yours, darko

i've been keeping secrets for too long. not writing here, perhaps it's what has caused me to lose connection to my inner flowing stream that keeps everything unified. i used to write here the most when i was most alone with myself. over the past two years i've been engaged with activities in the physical world and psychic world with another being that has given me more of an illusion of NOT being alone, and i think it's served me with less benefit for the course of where my soul is destined to end up than it's helped me. i'm glad it happened, don't get me wrong. even in the least fulfilling types of experiences, i'm able to find some sort of contentment. the encounters i've had with this other being were never full, or satisfying. they were always just a form of temptation and offered illusions of greater things that i dreamed of experiencing. whether my ability to conjure greater satisfaction out of the resources that were available to me was my o...

I used to dream about travelling. Mainly during my teenage years I became infatuated with visions in my mind of going to faraway places to see the marvels of architecture and history and natural beauty unlike what is found in the area where I live. Not saying that where I live does not have it's own features of architectural, historical or natural beauty to espy, it's just that there are so many other places that you learn of where incredible things have happened, where incredible structures have been built (or were built and now lay in beautiful ruins), or where there are marvels of nature so different to the area where you live, you develop a desire to see these places in person. To experience them first hand. To have a, "I've seen it, now I believe it's real", type of experience. I used to dream specifically of seeing Paris (truth be known, I still dream of seeing Paris), the ruins of Athens, the Scottish Highlands, the Fjords of Norway, and oddly enough,...

i've been working on writing this novel that i was first inspired about back in 2005 for 8 years now. and i'm getting closer and closer to the end of the story. this month of July is another opportunity for me to sit down for 30 straight days and knock out a big chunk of it during a period of #nanowrimo writing madness; the main way i've accomplished getting any of the writing of this novel done. sometimes the writing is very inspired and just flows out of me... other times, like tonight, i get stuck. and i'm not sure why. i have not been stuck like i am tonight in a very long time. i'm so stuck i can't even think of saying more about being stuck.