THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

It is a very good thing that I do not live in the mid-west, because the food back there is VERY tasty. Here is one of the favorite things I feasted on there. A Portillo's Hot Dog combo Italian sausage, Italian beef sandwich.

I became fascinated by Wynd the first time I looked at her portfolio on Model Mayhem . Mind you, I don't really have an interest in shooting nudes and that is the way Wynd prefers to model. We never discussed it as I guess my portfolio speaks for itself. No, what intrigued me about Wynd was her eyes and her hair. Later, as we communicated more, I became fascinated about her lifestyle too. Anyway, Wynd is a professional model and no longer does shoots in which she trades her time for a cd or prints (TF-CD/P). I came upon her at a time when I was sort of able to talk her into a trade with me though. I gave her a condition, that if she were able to get a paying gig on the day of our shoot it would be ok to cancel on me. I also told her that I would give her a "gratuity" of $20 so that she could buy some dinner after our shoot (or do whatever she wanted to with the money). We started this conversation in March and she said that if she was going to do a shoot with me it wou...

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I met Maenad (Mae, for short) through the online modeling community ModelMayhem a little over a month ago. I wrote to her and described the photo project that I was working on; "Cemetery Girls" and she responded saying that she was interested. We communicated for several weeks, getting to know each other. Basically, I wanted to explain to her what the concept of my project was, that it was tied to the literary project that I was working on and that the girls I was photographing were attempts at helping me better find my novel's character. Mae is a student of psychology at UC Santa Cruz, but as we wrote more to each other I found out that she is many more things than just a psych student. My point in telling you these details is to be able to describe what my experience of working with her was like. I drove form San Ramon to Santa Cruz to pick her up on campus after her last class of the day, which was around 3pm on a Friday. We then drove to her home so that she could ...

had a slice of chocolate cake and a hot cup of ginger tea and feel a short burst of brightness to utter a few words. i had another appointment with my psychiatrist last week, and well, my arguments of defense to stay off meds failed. rather than my arguments not being strong enough in logic, i think it is that my powers to defend myself articulately have become weakened. psych appts are brief to begin with. i feel like my ability to argue broke down several appts ago when i began to complain about not being able to sleep for more than 4 hours straight. so guess what? she recognized that my main complaint from the meds she's had me on was that i was becoming depressed and incapable of participating in my normal activities; like photo shoots and covering concerts and working on my book... so she decided to allow me to take an antidepressant; Lexapro. But no antidepressant without also taking a mood stabilizer. you won't believe what i agreed to try again - i still can't beli...

really not doing well. have a ticket to see one of my favorite bands of all time that are playing in san francisco tonight, apocalyptica, and i have decided not to go. i am in physical pain and feel so locked up emotionally from a lack of anyone to talk to. do you know what it feels like when you go for months and months and months without having anyone to just shoot the breeze with? when you have no one to talk to about how you are feeling on a daily basis, no one to talk to about things that interest you, no one to do things with that interest you... you get used to silence, you get used to believing that this is the way things are going to be forever, you become less of a believer that things will ever change, and sure, you become bitter. you become less willing to be frank when someone asks you how things are. because you don't want everyone to think that you are as big of a loser as you seem to be, as big of a loser as you feel you are, believe you are... blah, blah, blah, i k...

i watched a movie last night that really had some disturbing affects on me. i'm getting too old and sedate in my stogy ways to be slapped on the upside of the head by meanings of truth (exposed in film and literature) and care enough anymore to take suggestions to change to heart. years ago i would have watched this film and would have found courage and inspiration to take the good messages from the film and use them to bolster up my opinion of myself. the message i received last night went the other direction and made me more aware of my separateness from the world of people. the movie was " into the wild ". really a bit of genius film making and an incredible biographical tale of one of the bravest lives i've ever heard of being lived in recent years. i don't follow current movies anymore so i had never heard much about this except that someone did recommend it to me a while ago. the title stuck in my head i guess. something i would have benefited from watching ...