THIS Rhett Butler Will Never Die

I’ve got an itch to do a Bipolar II magnitude event. Only thing is it is something that I would have to plan, and well, that kind of kills the required spontaneity of such a grandiose experiment. The urge? To get in my car next Thursday and drive 345 miles to Hollywood to see a death-metal band play a show in a club on Sunset Blvd. I asked 2 people to go with me and both declined; one because he has to work all that night, the other because – well, his life partner just had a baby 4 days ago. There is one more person I could ask but he has already started to enter the stodgy and stoogie stage of life, the mid-30’s and I shouldn’t waste my breath on him. I will ask though just so that one more person will be witness to how wild and crazy, and well in this case stupid and irresponsible I can be? Oh and I just had another brilliant breakthrough of an idea. I could put up a post on craigslist.com just to see what kind of reaction I could get. I’ll go do that right now...

Private journal entry: June 18, 2005 It is just so weird how time can seem to stretch itself out some times and at other times condense itself very tightly. It seemed like a flash-moments inspiration during a manic spending spree that pressured me, no actually insisted that I buy that Ouija board on eBay. There were flash visions of myself sitting alone in the cemetery next to favorite graves in the dark, Ouija on my lap – asking specific questions of the interred about their lives and their unfortunate demises. It still doesn’t sound like all that bizarre of an endeavor to explore the possibilities of; not really, does it? But I have not touched the Ouija board since it arrived, other than excitedly taking it out of its makeshift mailing package and slipping it out of its browned, aged box to verify that it was real, undamaged and well, whether I got any energy from it or not. Yes, yes, and pretty much no. That must have been two months ago. Since the night o...

Like the dreamscape you could not describe to me this morning, only because there are no words in our language that can contain or shape the complexity and delicacy of the meanings your heart’s subconscious breathed forth for you to peek at, I too can not find words that I can put together in any formation of sentence or even guttural utterance that could nearly start to describe the feelings of love that I am feeling for you right now. There is no image of anything in this world’s creation that within a millionth of a fraction of a fraction that nears the beauty that thoughts of you birth in my hearts and mind’s eyes. If there were a way I could describe how you are making me feel right this very moment to Rembrandt or Liszt or Shakespeare, they would all fail in attempting to transform these emotions into art or music or poetry because there is nothing beautiful enough in this world that my words could describe to compare to which would inspire them greatly enough pa...

It’s strange how a little wave of energy can influence the stasis of normalized organizations and systems. Well, maybe it’s not all that strange at all. I have actually experienced something very similar to what happened to me this morning before. I just can’t decide how many words to use to describe it, or in which way to… ah hell. I know how to enter trance states. There are many ways in which trances can be induced but most take initiative from the seeker. ___ In a trance this morning I descended into a very familiar, yet infrequently visited space inside my heart. It is a place of longing for God, a place of missing the Divine, a place where I can moan about my anguish and petition the heavens for the thing that will make me complete; my missing portion of love that resides inside the heart of my beloved. She is the only key that will fit the lock that secures the portal of my soul, the opening of which transmutes lifetimes of misery and l...

How do you know when you have found something? Does it take stating that something has been missing? Is admission of such lack a sign of weakness? Is it owning the condition of missing a thing that one becomes able to obtain it? What about the powers of need, want, desire and longing. Do these energies polarize, magnetize or neutralize the mind and souls abilities to create from seeming nothingness things which can make us content, even smile? Things which can soothe our souls? Things which can end our searching? There is something I have wanted for a very long time. It has recently manifested itself in my life. Was I looking for it? Was I expecting to find it any day now? Did I really believe that it actually existed? My answer is “no” to all of these questions. I gave up looking for it. I no longer thought that by “not looking” for it that it would just appear. I even stopped imagining that my dream object could even exist, even in my fantasies. Then I awoke to a diffe...