957 days, that's all...

 Its that many days since I last entered any thoughts here. Possibly one of the largest gaps in this blogs history. I just stumbled into her a few days ago, looking for any record of my having written about the experience I had when I worked at Peets Coffee, and/or Savers... found an entry, but then couldn't resist surfing through the months and years where I've written so very many explanations about my life experiences. Here's a strange experience I incurred doing this, I found things that I wrote in which I could not pull up pictures in my memory of exactly what it was I was talking about. That says a couple of things. One is that I've written things here that lack specific details that would help me remember what I was talking about a decade afterwards. Even in cases where there was enough detail, it's still hard to picture exactly what was being felt, or meant with an entry. This is not important, but it is a curiosity.

I finished writing over 53k words in November for the memory of Nanowrimo. I wrote alongside my best friend Scarlett who had huge literary ambitions that arose out of the blue, and this was her first successful effort to complete Nanowrimo. She attempted it a few times in the past. And she wrote close to 60k words in those 30 days. Her creative fire is always lit it seems. Either writing music and recording new songs, or now, writing. She sits down to pour out these ideas she's flooded with every single day, multiple times a day. I want some of what she's putting into her water. My topic for this Nano season was memoir-ish. I started out with the idea of wanting to explore and investigate the crimes I've committed during this lifetime. I danced around some stories that were not too hard to share, and plunged headfirst into others that were very difficult to open up, both for myself to look at again, and to share "publicly". I don't have any intention of publishing this, it's not what the inspiration was for. I just wanted to be writing but I also wanted it to be an exercise in self-healing. By opening up these crimes in my history, I can ponder them with an eye geared towards forgiving myself, well, of course and asking for forgiveness too. I was a little dismayed at how somethings I wrote about with explicit detail, and others I skirted over with only a paragraph or two to give depth. So I am going to continue writing. I'm going to go deeper into the stories I shared shallowly, and I'm going to expand philosophically as well as I can on many of the rest. 

Nothing much else to talk about other than how hard it is living so far away from my grand-kids I had bought round-trip tickets to visit them in September (so we could have a group birthday together - all three of us are born in Septembers), but an unexpected health crisis arose in MY body and I was not fit for flying. Had to cancel my flight, and now I have no idea when I'll be able to get to Fargo. Most likely not until May, after the cold season ends. My ticket is still eligible to use, so thank goodness I have that.

Money is still an imprisoning factor for me. I live month to month, and usually get thru each one without too much worry, which is a blessing the Gods have blessed me with. But as far as ever amounting enough money to make a change in my life, I lose more and more hope that anything will ever happen to make me capable of say, moving across country ... proof that I'm in a state of despair about this is that I stopped buying lotto tickets. That was always my candle of hope, that maybe a miracle could happen and I could pay off all my debts, or move to live somewhere that might make life more pleasant. Okay, I'm surprised that I have written this much tonight. I may come back here more frequently. We'll see...