free write... the wind is blowing THIS direction today...

 Really do not have any pressing ideas or thought currents in my mind today... so let's just see where and what my fingers will unfold for us to think about here...

I'm getting into a bit of rhythm with pet sitting assignments lately... I've been making enough money from these gigs to not have to Door Dash at all, which is a plus-plus... less expenditure of funds on gas is a big win, and also just not having to endure the stresses of doing food delivery; slow merchants, stressful traffic and difficult to deliver addresses are a great relief to not be suffering. The one thing I loved about DD'ing, was the freedom of being on the road and the essence of a feeling of being a purveyor of Reiki energies to the inhabitants of the neighborhoods I'd roll thru. That was a side benefit I manifested in my own mind, to make the work feel a bit more purposeful. Now I know that I do not have to be present in neighborhoods to be able to deliver Reiki...  

But I'm still not making more than enough money, which could enable me to put aside some savings for a trip to Fargo this summer. Any urges about the idea of working in a grocery store have evaded the premises, thank goodness... I just trust my gut about this being the proper inspiration to believe, that one of those jobs would be detrimental to my health... 

24 hours later: still not very inspired to say anything here...

Woke up feeling waves of emotions this morning... missing those that I was closest to that are no longer here. It's interesting how there's a difference between how I miss my mom compared to how I miss Aine. Even in the early stretches of time after mom died, her sense of presence was strong and assuring. Whereas Aine's sense of presence tweaks my emotions differently... I guess it doesn't really matter trying to decipher these differences... Just noticing the differences feels nice knowing there's a personal signature, if you will, to each of their lingering spirit's energies. Overall, I'm just glad that I've known someone, anyone in this world that can make me feel the pain of missing them. Other than Scarlett and my son, I don't know if I'll ever know anyone else again that will stir such deep influences inside of me.

The former strongest sense of missing someone that I've experienced, well, there were two others... first was the loss of and missing of my dad. He's still a lingering ghostly presence... even though I have never sensed that he was a haunting type spirit... and the other was the Guru... there was an experience of "missing the guru", a social phenomenon that her community of followers described feeling. That was a significantly spiritual experience that stirred one's heart very deeply. It was a missing of the physical, human guru but that experience was a foreshadowing of the larger "missing" that a lost soul has for God. There was something deeply sweet and syrupy about that emotion of missing being in the Guru's presence... I miss those love pangs. I miss so many things about the ashram lifestyle... most importantly, the chanting... I listen to chanting music as often as I have the opportunity to, but it's different to listen to other people chanting compared to being an active chanter... even trying to chant along to recordings, it's not the same as sitting in the ashram surrounded by other lovers of God. A funny development is that the city I live in has a large section of the populace that are Indian immigrants. There are a plethora of Indian restaurants and groceries, and there's even an ashram (to a different guru) on the outskirts of town... Since I stopped attending the ashram in the late 90s I've felt no burning desire to go and join a "different ashram"... My guru was My Guru, my experiences following her were unique and I do not believe that I have to go through a process of ascending from one guru to a better guru... I had my "guru experiences" for this lifetime... I guess it's like having a wonderful lover in your life... it takes a long time to let go of the deep emotional experiences you had with that person... their memories linger in your bloodstream...

Okaay, did not know I'd wander into talking about this today...