a tremble of excitement (rattled ol' man Darko's bones...) hehe

 So hey! I've applied for 2 different jobs in the past 2 days!!

And I'm beginning to feel a tinge excited about the prospects. Although, I am also trembling a bit from fear that my resume shows too damaged of a persona for anyone to want to hire me... I have not heard anything from Whole Foods yet... Almost 2 full days have passed... I know that is not much time, but with all of the company's hoopla about how eager they are to hire new people, I anticipated being contacted immediately. One of my fears is that I have been blacklisted by the company because of how I quit my job (on the spot) when I worked for them back in 2015. That fear is part of what made me think and fear for all these years that they would never consider re-hiring me... during other phases when I felt curious urges about going back to work there again... Anyway, maybe I'll get a call from them tomorrow.

Then today I applied for another "security guard" position in San Ramon. It's listed as being for an opening at the San Ramon Regional Medical Center (hospital). There's a certain allure that I feel about working for a hospital. Similar to a feeling I have about working at or for an airport. The energy of such places is electric, with all the healing (and dying) going on... (in the case of hospitals)... to be an energy healer (and prayer warrior), and to be paid to spend many hours of their day in the crossroads where so many people traverse, well, it would be an exciting atmosphere to be in. Even if my position is greatly symbolic as a "guard", "guardian"... anyway, the idea of working in such a place has always felt like a fantasy... "Oh someday I'll get a chance to do that (volunteer?)...", or be asked to do that... but to get paid, that's an extra plus.

I think I'd prefer the security job over working at Whole Foods... the job at WF is a lot of menial running around; bagging groceries, returning shopping carts from the parking lot, returning items to the shelves, answering questions for customers... "busy work"... and I do remember that one day when I worked there before I clocked a massive 17k steps on my pedometer in just one 8 hour shift. I've seen the security guards at the hospital... they do a LOT of sitting around... ;)

Aside from my excitement about facing this life change, I still feel that there are chances that something even better than what I'm already doing will arise. (I'm still buying lotto tickets regularly.) Is there a chance that despite how late it is in my life, if I were to come upon a boon of funds, I could redesign what it is I do with my life? Could I finally become able to do exactly the things I've always dreamed of doing?

Be a professional photographer... become a legitimately qualified "healer"... be able to pay for an editor to help me complete my novel... to finish my bachelor's degree and then go on to study library science... and travel... 

It feels like the label of being mentally disabled has truly crippled my ability to become someone of worth in this world. By living under the shadow of this label, despite the fact that I am more well now than I've ever been before, I've given up so much power and self-worth... with all of this talk by the spiritualists about ascending to higher levels of consciousness, can I apply all of that energy to remedying my broken persona and become successful at doing the things that so many other people in this world succeed at doing?

Deep thoughts, whoa... I didn't know I was going to strike such nerves with myself tonight when I sat down here... I knew something wanted to come out, and I guess this is it...