deep thoughts on why i mess up doing this every day...

 Thirteen days since I last found the time and space to sit here and talk to you.... whyyyyyy???

I'm so dependent on routine. This is my simplest excuse. I thrive on groove. By that I mean, that by repeating a practice, I create a groove that builds up and maintains energy. By going to the same cafe (every day) at the same time and having the same drink (not necessarily needing to sit at the same table, thank goodness) I build up an energy of presence that supports my ability to feel good, and motivated to continue doing what I do. For me, this is writing... for others with similar mind constructs it could be myriad other types of practices... so I am sure that I'm not alone suffering from this proclivity.

And it takes me so much time and effort to create this type of supportive groove for myself. It always has... even when I was younger so I don't think it's a factor of age. There is a lack of flexibility that I'm suffering from and an inability to adapt to changes in my scenery. This faultiness in my wiring is bad.

For instance, this past week I've been pet sitting a house that I've been to several times. I'm familiar and comfortable in this space, and there are literally hours in each day that I'm there when I could sit down and write, but I let many, many small and insignificant matters obstruct my willingness to create a new groove of behavior for myself. Is this simply being weak-willed? I think largely it is. The fire of my desire to force myself to sit down and write is not burning hot enough (at the moment) to compel myself to just sit down and do it.

There are other things that I have built up grooves for doing (when I'm home in my own environment) that I have not found the willpower to do at this house too. I don't meditate in this house, and I also stopped doing qi gong. I'll just come right out and say it, I blame not doing these practices because of the animals. I find them to be an annoyance. Not a huge one, but large enough that it has derailed me as much as they have. My behavior at this assignment is based on meeting their needs and serving them. I put them before myself. Which in a way, is as it should be. But I also think that there is some flexibility available. I just need to flex my will to bend time to work in my favor.

There, I said it. 

So let's see if this effort here to clarify this for myself is enough to get me to flex my willpower muscles and do something differently. Let's see how long it is before I come back here to talk with you again. 

(By the way, I'm sitting in the same cafe at the public library writing this, where I sat when I wrote the previous entry, 13 long days ago, haha ;)