re'ing the reassessments...
this has been a strange year. surviving my mom's survival of a second round of cancer is proof that the worse tht can be thrown at us is manageable. then i strode forth and made a new discovery of a place on earth that i feel could be a happy place to live the rest of my life, with a person that i thought could help me make it there, who could make the journey there quick, and the living with there, better. cancer didn't destroy my chances, but this person not being able to commit to me has broken me. i'm not giving up on my idea and desire to move to and live in Portland, but i need to find new forces to align with to get me there.
i've parted ways with this person before, never quite the way that we are this time. usually i upset her from being too demading of her time and personality. this time she abandoned me, and plans we made too many times, and i've felt my trust and hope in her evaporate... from the position of being someone that i can work with. even if the work we do is just being real people, and friends together. i've always stiirred up ambitious projects for us to work on together, which are part of what made us believe that we were good people for each other. now, her lack of need of me, or interest in me, well it's because she has finally become satisfied with one-other-person in her world that she's not been able to make her one-and-only before. i only hovered around her edges to fill in the empty spaces when she was not being consumed by the other one. now the other one has consumed her so much that she has nothing left over for me. no time, no no time...
i never had a chance with being a real part of her life, so this is good for me to be released this way now. i just must maintain silence and distance for as long as possible to make this disengaging as painless to myself as possible. what i'm praying for is something new, someone new to take her place. i feel almost guaranteed that there will be no one new. i can't do again what i did with her, to get as close to her as i did. i don't have the drive, or even the need anymore. i'm better off alone. staying alone though, i don't know if i'll ever make it to Portland.
at least if i'm alone i can spend all of my time and money working on things to make my existence better. the things i can concentrate on to make my existence better are my writing projects, and my health. it's weird because even though i considered her to be a sounding-board type of partner she never responded or committed with vivacious effort any support to make me feel that she was a team member. she was only, the only person i had to share my ideas with. she didn't care about me doing anything i said i wanted to do. she just said, "yes". her mind and soul were somewhere else. not with me.
--
this was the worst/best month to commit acts of abandoning me in, September, the month of my birth, and the month of my father's death. at a time when i did not really expect celebration and company/companionship it was a time when all celebration and companionship disappeared. it was this time that made me realize that i'm better just being strong alone, by myself. to not strive any longer to be connected to others. others only care about themselves, unless they are someones that have become enmeshed into your life/existence. i'm tired of going through these cycles of trying to get close to people like this. i'm not a person that anyone likes being close to.
i've parted ways with this person before, never quite the way that we are this time. usually i upset her from being too demading of her time and personality. this time she abandoned me, and plans we made too many times, and i've felt my trust and hope in her evaporate... from the position of being someone that i can work with. even if the work we do is just being real people, and friends together. i've always stiirred up ambitious projects for us to work on together, which are part of what made us believe that we were good people for each other. now, her lack of need of me, or interest in me, well it's because she has finally become satisfied with one-other-person in her world that she's not been able to make her one-and-only before. i only hovered around her edges to fill in the empty spaces when she was not being consumed by the other one. now the other one has consumed her so much that she has nothing left over for me. no time, no no time...
i never had a chance with being a real part of her life, so this is good for me to be released this way now. i just must maintain silence and distance for as long as possible to make this disengaging as painless to myself as possible. what i'm praying for is something new, someone new to take her place. i feel almost guaranteed that there will be no one new. i can't do again what i did with her, to get as close to her as i did. i don't have the drive, or even the need anymore. i'm better off alone. staying alone though, i don't know if i'll ever make it to Portland.
at least if i'm alone i can spend all of my time and money working on things to make my existence better. the things i can concentrate on to make my existence better are my writing projects, and my health. it's weird because even though i considered her to be a sounding-board type of partner she never responded or committed with vivacious effort any support to make me feel that she was a team member. she was only, the only person i had to share my ideas with. she didn't care about me doing anything i said i wanted to do. she just said, "yes". her mind and soul were somewhere else. not with me.
--
this was the worst/best month to commit acts of abandoning me in, September, the month of my birth, and the month of my father's death. at a time when i did not really expect celebration and company/companionship it was a time when all celebration and companionship disappeared. it was this time that made me realize that i'm better just being strong alone, by myself. to not strive any longer to be connected to others. others only care about themselves, unless they are someones that have become enmeshed into your life/existence. i'm tired of going through these cycles of trying to get close to people like this. i'm not a person that anyone likes being close to.
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