wearied, but i'm only going to go deeper...

despite my desires, i feel more and more like a pure artist each day that goes by. yesterday i did the closest thing i'll probably ever do to having a gallery display of my art; i released the publication of a book that contains some of my favorite art pieces from the past year's toils.  i have about 3 pages worth of things to say, emotions to express about what it all means to me, but i'm not going to say it. not here at least. except that i don't care what people think anymore. i can't stay out here in the open and ...

i just have to go deeper. i almost feel sorry for ever making any of my work public. i don't think this is the way of the old masters. to be open. to care about what anyone thinks. the affect that hearing what people think about my work, when they don't want to have it makes me weak. like a psychic drain of some sort happens...  it's weird, because so many artists in the history of the world never get to display their art. or even care to have their art displayed. i get to display my art in a huge museum... the world wide web. and i get little notes from the people that see the things i have created... no one has ever written me a "hate note"... so i should be glad for that. here's the thing though... when i go to a museum and see the work of a great artist i always go to the gift shop at the end of my viewing and buy whatever i can afford; art cards, a souvenir book of the tour, a poster or some other type of memoir item to bring home with me to put on my wall or desk so that i can have a representation of that artists efforts close to me. 

getting to go to a museum for a viewing of a famous artists work is always like christmas for me. it's a magical event because i am getting to see something so rare and divinely beautiful. if i lived in a large city, closer to museums i would go to them all the time. just to sit in a gallery surrounded by masterpieces of art is such a spiritual experience...  yes, if i lived in a large city i feel that i would be a much more devoted artist.

it's just confounding when you get so much acclaim for the energy you put into creating something but then when you make it available for people to own, the praise ends. lips are loose but wallets are tight. i'd rather not hear anything because if you don't want to own it, to me, that means its not good enough. if you genuinely cannot afford it, that's one thing... steal it then. if it's any good, buy it or steal it. but if you don't care to do either then i'm doing something wrong. and i need real critics that will give me instructions on what to do to make it better. not lip service servants.

this is what i mean by needing to go deeper. i need to hide from the shallow voices, from the fanfare that does not push me hard enough. the buzz of shallow acclaim just confuses me and keeps me from finding my center. i know 2 people will buy a copy of the new book, and i thank those guys. they are my true believers. they believe in me as a man on a quest and know how i put my heart and soul into this project. they would buy my book of pictures even if they were crap (which i think this work really is - the only thing beautiful about my efforts are the people i find). yeah, that no one will buy this book either (i think last year's book only sold 3 copies - i gave away 5) means that i still have not hit my stride. there is something that i am missing... 

i have promised myself to lighten up on my schedule now that this book is finished. i'm taking two weeks off until my next shoot, and then only have one other shoot in mind after that. once those two shoots are finished i may make a deeper survey of the whole meaning of this project. whether there is really any reason to do it any longer. i am weaker physically after this last year of work. which is logical because i'm older. but i'm weaker emotionally too. i walk on a razors edge financially too. any day economic ruin could storm into my life and i'll be out on the street. that's why all this "work" is such a gift. every day that i've been able to produce something new is a gift from heaven. and again, if i have not said it yet... the selling of the book is not about me making money. there is a markup on the price of my book. yes, i'll admit it. $4.05 per copy.

i'll keep writing. at least in this talking out loud format here... and i'll discuss topics on the nets. but it's going to take some work to break through to me on a personal level. i've got to hide.