everything is in jeopardy now, and no, i don’t mean the gameshow.

the unexpected has happened. and maybe it’s all because i did i took yesterday off from writing. i am such a freaking creature of habit, to a fault really. i was ready to go out last night to McDonald’s of all places, to have a cup of coffee and work for an hour on the novel. but it being Thanksgiving, not even McDonald’s was open in my town. i am ahead in my word count so taking one day off from writing would not put me behind schedule. that was not the worry.

so today, here i am at the library. about 40 hours since i last wrote on Wednesday evening. i pretty much knew where i was going to go with the writing today, and i did. wrote 500 words in about 20 minutes, and was quite pleased with how it sounded.

up until i wrote the last paragraph. the last paragraph. oh god. something slipped. my tension that had been built up, the schedule i had been maintaining, the tunnel i was traveling through with pinpoint vision… i knew exactly where i was going. i knew all month long where i was going, and then this one little paragraph where i popped my head up a little bit and looked around at the scenery… it has brought me to a crossroads.

and i don’t want to face it. i want to go right back to where i was because i knew exactly where i was going to end up. and now, oh shit, everything has changed. and i can’t just go back and erase that paragraph because what “it” said to me is in my head now and i have to deal with it.

it’s moments like this that i wish i still drank alcohol or smoked cigarettes because any other legitimate writer would turn to their vice and have a good ol’fashioned talk with themselves about this.

fuck.