state of the (personal) union...
gonna ramble a bit, get some thoughts out, get my thinker tinkering again... ideas, feelings, words to create puzzles that draw pictures to solve the questions that plague our lack of true understanding. that's what it all is anyway, right? miasmic boilings under the crust of our skulls where our imaginations forge futures and disassemble the confusions of our pasts.
well i can ramble like this for a very long time without making a very edible alphabet soup. so i will stop the bs and talk about what is really going on. i turned 50 almost 2 months ago, and boy has there been a change. all this past year leading up to my Big 5-0 i had been celebrating youth. not in the sense that my youth was ending but in a celebration of actually living 50 years long. that celebration culminated in fantastic celebrations with friends on 3 different days. the celebration of my birth this year was the most memorable and enjoyable i've had in decades. maybe even the best birthday ever.
since then though i've been feeling a shift in energies and emotions. i've been feeling spiritually tired, emotionally tired, and most definitely physically tired. after seeing my doctor a couple of weeks ago he insisted that i begin some type of exercise routing and urged me to lose 20-30 pounds. Stating that my cholesterol was out of whack and that with the already existing problem of high blood pressure i was knocking on the doors of both Mr. Heartattack and Mrs. Diabetes. "why don't you exercise?" Because when I exercise my already weakened muscles I tend to injure them and then become more fearful and reluctant to do anymore. and blah and blah and blah...
well, as much as i love the photography and especially love this Cemetery Girl project that i've been doing for over a year now, i'm getting tired of it and think i am going to draw it to a close at the end of the year. i've got about 8 more models lined up to work with. i'll finish with them but then no more new bookings. who knows though, if i meet someone special or travel somewhere special i might not be able to resist doing a shoot for posterity's sake. but my burning drive to photograph as many different women as possible is weakening. i'm not discouraged from a feeling of a lack of feelings of success. to the contrary, i think the project was extremely successful. it's just now that i need to move on to the next stage. and that is to create some books of the photos that i can make some money from selling.
ok, well that is the intermission. the real show of my life is going to begin in 5 days. i am going to start shifting energy from the visual workings of my brain back to the written workings of my brain. this is going to be a very intense period of work because i still have thousands of photos to finish editing and i need to start working on the writing of my novel on a daily basis. to fire me up for this i am going to participate in the Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) project that begins on November first.
i do not intend to use this project for creating actual text of my novel but to write an offshoot story that will actually just serve to get my mind and fingers and imagination loosened up for the larger work of getting back into the novel i have been creating over the past 4-5 years.
so yeah, the past two years have been rather epic in view of what i have accomplished. there was the whole rise to status of accomplished concert photographer and reviewer that started out with taking blurry cell phone photos of Adrian Belew and ended with being allowed to interview his entire band and getting a photo of him published in Guitar Player magazine. and now that whole career has subsided into just a memory. i had to make an abrupt break from the work because of a medication induced depression. recently when i approached the editors at Ground Control Magazine they expressed "gun shyness" about giving me another chance. said i could do cd reviews. i wrote two, they published one. i've lost the knack i had built up earlier. so i think for now, maybe, it is time to just let that focus fade out too.
here is one thing about myself i am learning better and better every year. i can't do every single one of the things that i am interested in doing. and if i want to do any one thing that i am interested in, well, i should just concentrate on that one thing. trying to do two things, like writing and photography at the same time doesn't work. i can do both, separately, well. but when i try to do the both at the same time confusion ensues and quality diminishes. then either mania or depression is spawned.
well i can ramble like this for a very long time without making a very edible alphabet soup. so i will stop the bs and talk about what is really going on. i turned 50 almost 2 months ago, and boy has there been a change. all this past year leading up to my Big 5-0 i had been celebrating youth. not in the sense that my youth was ending but in a celebration of actually living 50 years long. that celebration culminated in fantastic celebrations with friends on 3 different days. the celebration of my birth this year was the most memorable and enjoyable i've had in decades. maybe even the best birthday ever.
since then though i've been feeling a shift in energies and emotions. i've been feeling spiritually tired, emotionally tired, and most definitely physically tired. after seeing my doctor a couple of weeks ago he insisted that i begin some type of exercise routing and urged me to lose 20-30 pounds. Stating that my cholesterol was out of whack and that with the already existing problem of high blood pressure i was knocking on the doors of both Mr. Heartattack and Mrs. Diabetes. "why don't you exercise?" Because when I exercise my already weakened muscles I tend to injure them and then become more fearful and reluctant to do anymore. and blah and blah and blah...
well, as much as i love the photography and especially love this Cemetery Girl project that i've been doing for over a year now, i'm getting tired of it and think i am going to draw it to a close at the end of the year. i've got about 8 more models lined up to work with. i'll finish with them but then no more new bookings. who knows though, if i meet someone special or travel somewhere special i might not be able to resist doing a shoot for posterity's sake. but my burning drive to photograph as many different women as possible is weakening. i'm not discouraged from a feeling of a lack of feelings of success. to the contrary, i think the project was extremely successful. it's just now that i need to move on to the next stage. and that is to create some books of the photos that i can make some money from selling.
ok, well that is the intermission. the real show of my life is going to begin in 5 days. i am going to start shifting energy from the visual workings of my brain back to the written workings of my brain. this is going to be a very intense period of work because i still have thousands of photos to finish editing and i need to start working on the writing of my novel on a daily basis. to fire me up for this i am going to participate in the Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) project that begins on November first.
i do not intend to use this project for creating actual text of my novel but to write an offshoot story that will actually just serve to get my mind and fingers and imagination loosened up for the larger work of getting back into the novel i have been creating over the past 4-5 years.
so yeah, the past two years have been rather epic in view of what i have accomplished. there was the whole rise to status of accomplished concert photographer and reviewer that started out with taking blurry cell phone photos of Adrian Belew and ended with being allowed to interview his entire band and getting a photo of him published in Guitar Player magazine. and now that whole career has subsided into just a memory. i had to make an abrupt break from the work because of a medication induced depression. recently when i approached the editors at Ground Control Magazine they expressed "gun shyness" about giving me another chance. said i could do cd reviews. i wrote two, they published one. i've lost the knack i had built up earlier. so i think for now, maybe, it is time to just let that focus fade out too.
here is one thing about myself i am learning better and better every year. i can't do every single one of the things that i am interested in doing. and if i want to do any one thing that i am interested in, well, i should just concentrate on that one thing. trying to do two things, like writing and photography at the same time doesn't work. i can do both, separately, well. but when i try to do the both at the same time confusion ensues and quality diminishes. then either mania or depression is spawned.
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