home, but not...

Got home from my travels in the midwest yesterday. In the few hours since I've been here I've been feeling a temptation to slip into a depression but I am determined to fight that off. I have things to do. Ok, before I get more into this blog entry I need to recount a dream I had this morning. I had a lot of dreams this morning, probably triggered by being back inside my own bed. The significant dream though was of seeing Monica, the girl that I had started to become involved with back in the earlier part of this year (remember her? from my photography class and the deathly depression i fell into after she rejected me?). Well in this dream she had decided to welcome me back into her life. I had seen her at a concert (Judy Collins). She knew I was there but she wouldn't look me in the eye. It was a very early morning dream so I can't remembe many details now except that after the concert she was willing to be in my presence and wanted to talk to me. I started several times to try to explain myself to her and she said, "No, don't talk. Just be here with me." I really have no idea what this dream means at all as I have no intention of calling or writing to her. But I felt some sense of healing or forgiveness inside my heart from being in and going through the dream. After how cruel she was to me it would take huge efforts on her behalf to get me to open up to her again.

So, I have a lot of things on my mind now about what is going on, what could be going on, what I want to do... I feel a need to get serioius about the writing of my novel. I feel like all the time I spent in cemeteries while in Ohio and Chicago has inspired me to descend deeper into the spirit of the story that I have to tell. I just don't know how to manage myself so that I can have energy and focus for the creative work of writing this novel. I feel like photography is so important to me but doing it AND not letting it drain all of my creative juices and life energy so that I could create a discipline to write the novel too, is a hard thing to figure out. I need a doppelganger to help me cover all my bases.

While in Ohio I really felt a strong appeal to live there. And the town of Yellow Springs seems like such a perfect fit for me. I would definitely need to get some financial things figured out to enable me to make a move there. I wish I could get myself to start blogging more again. I feel like when I do not blog I am keeping secrets. It's sort of like if I don't use this vehicle to talk out loud I am not talking to anyone. It's all different now. I do want to write this book though. I need to make my story known. And I think that there are people that need to be helped by reading my book. It is a process of self discovery, writing this. And it will be a process for self discovery for others to be able to read it.

Well, I see a job counselor on Friday and I am going to ask her for advice about going back to work. Now I feel like there is little reason keeping me out of work. I feel strong. I feel confident, need the money and can be of good use to an employer. I am only considering working at book stores right now. I'll keep you posted. Ok, nothing else to say now. Stay posted!